Bob&Betty - Episode 1 - Juliet Moves In

Henry: Where on earth is she Paige? The taxi has been here for ages!
Paige: It arrived thirty seconds ago Henry. Don't be silly.
Henry: I don't know how long they wait do I? I've never used one in my life!

Juliet: Bye bye Shakespeare, I'm going to miss you! Oh yes I will! Oh yes I will!

Henry: Quickly now dear. We don't want to have to keep the taxi peasant waiting.
Paige: Be quiet Henry! His window is open.
Henry: What? They speak English?!
Paige: Make sure you're polite to your housekeepers, Juliet, okay? They are very generous to let you stay with them whilst you're at college.
Henry: Yes, and make sure you remember to open the door to Jehova's Witnesses, because, for some reason, they actually do that. They're not familiar with what I like to refer to as the collapsible doorstep method. But never mind, they'll get there.
Paige: Make sure you write to us, my lovely.
Juliet: Yes! Yes! Yes! I get it. I'll see you all soon. Bye daddy.

Taxi driver: You've got really posh parents huh?
Juliet: (Laughs) You can say that again.
Taxi driver: You've got really posh parents huh?
Juliet: No, you didn't actually have to repeat it.
Taxi driver: Oh.
Juliet: Its okay, I'll make allowances because you earn minimum wage.

Soon:

Juliet: Wow, this is a really nice neighbourhood.
Taxi driver: Aye.

Taxi driver: Here where are love, your dad already paid me. Well... he cautiously approached me and threw the money at the window... but yeah.
Juliet: Oh. Well, thank you very much for the ride sir.
Taxi driver: Its alright love. Take care.
Juliet: Bye.

Juliet: Sir! Sir! Come back, Sir! I think you've taken me to your house!

Brandi: Mum. I need some money.
Betty: Why? What for?
Brandi: Because Sylvia's been asking me for weeks if I'd like to go the arcade with her, but I can't because I haven't been given any pocket money!
Betty: I told you dear, we're struggling more at the moment. Can't you ask her to pay for you?
Brandi: I can't do that, she pays for me enough as it is. Ice skating, cinema, bowling...
Betty: Alright, I get what you mean. Maybe you should get a job?

Brandi: You're seriously telling me to get a job? Your fourteen year old daughter?
Betty: Yes. Why is that a problem?
Brandi: Well for starters Dad doesn't even have a job.
(Doorbell)
Betty: I'll get it once I finish this dish.

Betty: Did you knock on my door?
Juliet: Erm, I rang the doorbell.
Betty: Oh you must be the student whose come to stay with us? Why are you over there?
Juliet: I erm... tripped... backward.
Betty: Aww, were you gonna be helpful and bring in the mail for us? That's helpful innit Bob?

Juliet: BOB!

Betty: Bob! Cover up! We've got a guest!

Bob: Who?
Betty: That girl whose coming to stay with us! For Christ's sake! Go get dressed!

Betty: Well don't be a stranger love. C'mon in.

Betty: Welcome to your new home!
Juliet: Its... nice.
Betty: Cheers. Here's my daughter Brandi. Say hello Brandi.
Brandi: He...hello. I really like your dress.
Juliet: Thanks.
Betty: She's shy.

Betty: Brandi would you like to show - I'm sorry love I don't even know your name.
Juliet: I'm Juliet.
Betty: Wow you got the same name of the girl on the telly!
Juliet: Oh, you've seen the Romeo and Juliet movies?
Betty: No the blonde one off Lost. Anyway Brandi, show her to her room I'm gonna make a start on dinner.

Brandi: Follow me this way Juliet.

Bob: Where is she love?
Betty: She'll be out in a minute.

Brandi: Oh my god! You again! Out! Get out! Get out!

Brandi: Sorry about him Juliet, he likes to come in sometimes and sniff the fittings.
Bob: Yeah. Betty said not to feed him, cause if you do he'll just keep coming back.

Juliet: Oh my God! (Yells) Are you all being serious!?
Bob: Sorry?
Juliet: Haha! Where's the cameras? Funny prank, everybody! Real nice!
Bob: Betty, I think she needs to go the special place Mad Mary down the street goes...
Juliet: I'm not staying here with you freaks! You disgusting people!
(Bob gasps)
Juliet: I'm out of here!

Brandi: Wow. I hope she's never around on those days when Dad forgets to get dressed.

Juliet: Dammit! Why doesn't my dad ever answer his phone!?

Paige: Oh calm down dear.
Henry: I simply don't understand what he wants me to ask him! Paige I just don't!
Paige: Dear, I think you can ask him anything.
Henry: I told you it was a mistake getting this computer - I told you!

Paige: You're overreacting.

Brandi: She won't talk to me mum, she's just standing on the lawn. Most likely waiting for her big fancy jet to show up and take her home! I don't like her, she's too up herself.
Betty: Be fair, we all got a little freaked out the day we came home and found that guy licking our photos Brandi, its understandable.
Bob: Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to watch the TV!
Betty: Bob! Don't you even care about the situation at hand?
Bob: Yes! I also care about who Sasha is gonna pick out of Toby and Marcus - this storyline's been going on for months!
Betty: I read the magazine - its Marcus.
Bob: (Upset) Why would you do that to me?
Betty: Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we've got a situation here!

Later that evening:

Betty: Oh, please come back inside love.
Juliet: No! My father must have made a mistake, no way in hell would he have let me stay in this disgraceful hovel!
Betty: Now come on, we're not that bad sweetheart. Come inside, I've made dinner. Beans, burgers and little smiley faces.
Juliet: You eat children!?

Betty: I tried.
Juliet: [From outside] Well, stop trying! There's no way I'm coming back in there!

Juliet: On second thoughts, maybe inside isn't so bad. Can I use your bath please?
Betty: We don't have a bath. We have a shower.
Juliet: Good God.
Bob: We do?

Juliet: Okay... it can't be that bad. I've seen it in the movies all the time - just get in... twist the metal bit and -

Juliet: ARGH!

Juliet: It hurts! It hurts! Ouch!

Bob: Sounds like she has somebody in there with her!
Betty: Bob that's disgusting!

Betty: Why are you sitting there, so miserable?
Brandi: Its just that all my friends are having fun at the arcade right now and I'm missing it, stuck in doors with you lot!
Betty: I'm sorry honey, we just don't have enough money.
Brandi: No that's right we never do! I'm sick of this place! I'm sick of you constantly ignoring me, I'm sick of that snobbish snob of a snob already and I'm sick to death of dad's constant remarks about me putting on weight!

Betty: Oh Brandi - come on.

(Brandi walks away from Betty past the TV and next to her father)
Bob: Brandi, I'd like to thank you.
Brandi: Why?
Bob: When you and your fat arse walked past the TV I missed three adverts.
Betty: Bob that's rotten!
Bob: (Laughs).

Betty: Oh no Juliet's left all her bath products and shampoo out here, what did she wash her hair with?
Bob: My brother left some wax here when he last came to visit, maybe - oh no.

Juliet: Well I'm finally clean, goodnight.

Betty: Aww, the poor girl. I'm gonna 'elp her wash it out.
Bob: No, you can't tell her it's like that! She'll go mental!
Betty: What? So you suggest I just let her walk around like that?
Bob: It's a consideration!

Later:

Henry: Honey, I finally managed to make Jeeves go away and when I looked at the estate website I noticed that - well, I may have sent Juliet to the wrong house.
Paige: Never mind my love, I'm sure she's having the time of her life there.

Juliet: Well, day one over. I might as well at least try to sleep, but I miss my parents... and my bed...
(From other room)
Betty: (Giggling) Oh Bob, not tonight (laughs) I'm tired! No stop it! (Giggles)
Bob: Come on baby.
Betty: (Laughs) Oh Bob!
Juliet: ...and soundproof walls.
Bob: Soundproof what, love?
Juliet: Nothing... just go back to having sex, whilst I lie here and cry quietly.
Bob: Right you are, love.