Bob&Betty - Episode 2 - Mummy and Daddy

(Alarm clock rings)
Juliet: My first day at college. At least I can have a few hours away from these crazy people. I'm looking- ARGH!
Brandi: I've been watching you.
Juliet: What? Why?
Brandi: It's something about the way the morning sunlight shines upon your eyelashes that really brings out the -
Juliet: - Lesbianism in you?

Betty: Morning love, how are you feeling? This is my friend Gina. Gina, this is Juliet.
Juliet: Delighted to meet you.
Gina: How you doing, love, alright?
Juliet: I'm doing... well, thanks. What's for breakfast? A full English? A Danish pastry? A French Croissant?
Betty: Nah, toast.
Juliet: Toast. Right. Okay then. Toast it is. Let's all sit down and have toast.

Gina: As I was saying, Betty, I dunno what to do, I just don't wanna work for the guy anymore!
Betty: You've been working there for five years. How are you gonna tell him that you want give it all up now?
Gina: I have no idea. What do you think I should tell him?
Betty: Well I've only ever broken something off with someone before, and that was a relationship. Couldn't you just tell him you're not looking for serious employment?
Gina: Yeah, that'll work after five years, love. So who did you break up with before, then? I thought Bob was the only man you'd been with? That's if you can call him a man - I personally have trouble seeing him as an actual human being.

Bob: (Farts)

Betty: It was during a time many years ago when I didn't wanna be with Bob anymore, so I said I wasn't looking for a serious relationship.
Gina: What did he say?
Betty: "Put the kettle on, make us a brew". We married the following month.
Gina: Such a romantic tale. I gotta run. See you later at the lanes. Did you manage to find our extra player?
Betty: I'll find someone. Kathy owes me a favour.
Gina: Alright. See you, love.

Juliet: That Gina seemed nice. What was the problem with her employment?
Betty: Oh, that. She's having problems telling her boss she wants out of the business. It's an awkward situation.
Juliet: Oh. Is she an entrepreneur?
Betty: No. Prostitute.
Juliet: Oh, that's lovely.

Bob: Mornin' everyone.
Juliet: Hi.
Betty: Morning, dear.
Bob: Honey... your face is weird.
Betty: I'm wearing makeup.
Bob: Bloody hell. That does make a difference.
Betty: Well, our bowling team are playing that damn posh team from Veronaville today. I have to look presentable.

Bob: Oh, not that damn Veronaville team, they're all a bunch of-
[Kettle whistles]
Betty: Bob! You can't say-
[Kettle whistles]
Betty: -in front of Juliet!
Bob: I'm the man in this house. I wear the trousers... most of the time. I'll decide what I want to say, and if I want to say-
[Kettle whistles]
Bob: -in front of Juliet, then I damn well will.
Juliet: Look. I'll be going to college. I'll see you all later.

(Phone rings)
Betty: I think your mobile's going off Bob.
Bob: And I suppose that means I have to get up, then?
Betty: It might be important... or it could be really bad news!
Bob: Yeah, your bloody mother might wanna visit again.
Betty: I doubt it after last time.
Bob: What? Brandi was using the toilet and we'd emptied that bottle of wine the previous night.
Betty: What would you do if you walked into the living room and saw my mother doing that!?
Bob: Oh, now that's just disgusting, Betty. Plus I doubt she could do that in a bottle, she's not a small lady.
Betty: My mother isn't fat!
Bob: Oh please Betty, Jeremy Clarkson could drive a Bugatti Veyron around her, whilst being followed by Richard Hammond and James May in a plane.
Betty: Just answer your damn phone!

Bob: Oh, it's Brandi. Yet another-
[Kettle whistles]
Bob: -annoyance in my day.
Betty: Bob! Your own daughter!
Bob: (On phone) Alright, what do you want?
Brandi: Dad. I completely forgot - it's Bring Your Parents To School Day. You've gotta come in and talk about your career.
Bob: Hold on a minute - I don't have a career.
Brandi: Did you think I hadn't noticed?!
Bob: Well, what do you want me to do?
Brandi: I don't know! Just come up with something and be here by two - in your work uniform.
Bob: Fine. But just so you know - you're the disappointing child.
Brandi: I'm the only child.
Bob: Shut up.
(He hangs up)

Juliet: Oh, finally. I'm somewhere where there are people like me!
Jasmine: Oh, hey! My name is Jasmine.
Juliet: What the hell? People randomly introduce themselves now?
Jasmine: I guess so! My name's Jasmine, by the way.
Juliet: Yeah, you said.
Jasmine: So, hey, do you want to be study partners?
Juliet: This has all been very random, but okay.

Jasmine: So, did you catch the latest episode of Crystal Town?
Juliet: I didn't. I hear it's a good episode this week.
Jasmine: A real good episode.
Juliet: I'll definitely catch up with that - which I can do at any time of the day or night, online!
Jasmine: Yes you can! Any time of the day or night!
Juliet: Wow. Doesn't it seem rather like we're subconsciously advertising it or something?

Jasmine: Don't be silly, of course we're not advertising it!

Betty: I'm sorry girls. I did try to find another bowler.
Gina: I thought you said Kathy owed you a favour.
Betty: She does. Just not this one, she says.
Gina: You know, I'm no expert on favours, but I swear the person who owes it isn't supposed to decide whether to return it, when they are asked.
Hannah: Yeah, alright love. Don't blind us with logic. Is there anyone else you can call, Betty?
Betty: I don't know... Wait, yes there is! I know the perfect person.

(Mobile rings)
Bob: No.
(Hangs up)

Betty: Right. If that's how it's gonna be, then I've got only one option left...
(Dials number)

(Phone rings)
Juliet: Hello?
Betty: (On phone) Hey, love, it's Betty. Look, we need an extra bowler and you're the first person I thought of.
Juliet: Really?
Betty: (On phone) Really. We need you, Juliet.
Juliet: Well... alright then. I'll see you down there.
(Hangs up)

Bob: Okay. I need a work uniform. Any kind of uniform. Does being a nudist count as a job? No, it counts as indecent exposure, which is the last thing I need on my record at a secondary school. Playgroup, maybe. They don't remember anything at that age. But, where can I find...? Oh! You might do... Yes, I think you'll do just fine...

Betty: You finally got here, thank God. What held you up?
Juliet: Nothing. I just didn't want to come.
Betty: Now, now, Juliet. You have to get into the team spirit.

Veronica: Oh, dear me. Look at that undesirable group of ladies over there.
Anne: Most distasteful, I agree.
Veronica: It's like they stepped out of EastEnders.

Betty: Don't talk about us like that! We're perfectly respectable people!
Hannah: Yeah, we're gonna crap all over you, today.

Veronica: Ugh. Commoners. Right, ladies. We must make it our business to beat them today - it's our God-given right as collectors of much higher salaries than theirs.
Anne: Very well said.
Sharon: I agree.
Veronica: So then - Veronaville Proper Ladies - let's bowl!

Betty: Alright, girls. Now, remember, it doesn't matter if we win or lose, what matters is that we have fun and maintain our dignity.
Gina: Hear hear.
Betty: Right - East Pleasantview Slags - let's do it!

Juliet: East... Pleasantview... slags?!

Announcer: Up first, the Veronaville Proper Ladies - with team captain Veronica taking position.

Announcer: And she's got a strike! Already, she's set a difficult precedent for the opposing team to follow. And here they are now, with team captain Betty in position - the East Pleasantview Slags, and it would appear that they have a new slag today.

Juliet: I beg your pardon?!
Hannah: Together, we're The East Pleasantview Slags - apart, each of us is a slag. Gina, more than some people.
Juliet: Right. Thanks for that.

Announcer: And Betty scores three. Better luck next time, Betty.
Betty: I'm sorry, girls.
Juliet: Don't worry Betty, nobody will hold it against-
Hannah: That was crap, Betty. What came over you?

Announcer: And, from Veronaville Proper Ladies, Anne takes position.
Betty: Well, I'm sorry I only got three - I did try!
Hannah: Well, try harder, because if you're not a good enough Slag, we can't have you holding the rest of us back.
Gina: How can you talk, Hannah? You managed to bowl none, three times in a row last time!
Hannah: I was having an off day.
Gina: Yeah. A long way off.
Betty: The next alley at one point, if I recall.
Hannah: Alright, shut up, the lot of you.

Announcer: And next up, from the East Pleasantview Slags - it's Hannah.
Gina: Now we'll see.
Hannah: Shut up. I've gotta get into my zone.
Gina: Well, get on with it.

Hannah: Come on... come on... come on... Yes! Strike!

Hannah: Did you see that, girls? I got a strike.
Betty: Yes, I saw.
Gina: Would've been great if it wasn't in the Veronaville team's alley. You stupid cow.

Announcer: Next up, from the Veronaville Proper Ladies...
Betty: So much for getting into your zone. Keep an eye on which alley you're bowling down next time.
Hannah: Oh please. This is coming from the woman who once managed to score seven for the entire evening, and the woman who had sex in the next lane while this was going on.
Gina: Hey, Matthew was very nice.
Hannah: And very naked.
Gina: Well, have you tried having sex with your clothes on?
Hannah: It was the middle of a bowling alley!
Gina: Nevertheless!

Teacher: I'm sure everyone will agree, it's been a fantastic Bring Your Dad to School day. Such a range of careers we've seen today.

Teacher: We've had Joe's dad.

Teacher: Jennifer's dad.

Teacher: Ken's dad.

Teacher: Now it's time for Brandi's dad, Bob Newbie.
Bob: Afternoon, kids.

Brandi: Oh, God.

Bob: I'm a deep sea diver, and I'm one of the people that discovered the wreck of the Titanic back in 1975.
Child #1: 1985.
Child #2: And furthermore, you would've been about nine.
Bob: Yes, thank you children. It was I that first cast eyes upon the wreck's stern.
Child #1: The bow end was discovered first.
Bob: How about shut up, kid. Yeah?

Bob: Anyway. So I commanded the submarine to move along and inspect the entire ship, which was snapped into three pieces.
Child #1: Two pieces.
Bob: What are you, some kind of Titanic freak?

Brandi: Oh, for crying out loud...
Bob: Oh, Brandi, come back!

Brandi: Thanks for coming up with a realistic and believable career. You idiot.
Bob: What? I could've discovered Titanic. Those kids don't know what they're talking about.
Brandi: Where the hell did you get that deep sea suit anyway!?
Bob: Your mother makes me wear it for sex sometimes. It arouses her.

Gina: You don't know what you're talking about!
Hannah: I know exactly what I'm talking about, you cheap cow!
Betty: Calm down, both of you!

Announcer: Next up, from the East Pleasantview Slags, it's the newest slag - Juliet!
Juliet: I swear to God, if you call me a slag one more time, I will use you as a skittle!
Announcer: Juliet, everybody. She's a feisty one, for sure. Let's see how she does.

(Juliet gets into position and bowls)
Announcer: And she's got a strike!

(Juliet bowls again)
Announcer: Another strike for Juliet!

(Juliet bowls again)
Announcer: Yet another strike! She's on a roll!

(Juliet bowls again)
Announcer: Strike! This girl's looking to be the best Slag that ever walked through these doors.

Juliet: That is it!
Announcer: No! I didn't mean it like that!

Later that evening

Betty: You did wonderfully today, Juliet. I can't believe we won!
Juliet: I had no idea I was so good at bowling.
Betty: You really came through for us - I'd like to make you a permanent member of our team, if you want to.
Juliet: Well, thanks Betty. That's really nice of you. I'd like to.
Betty: Great.
Juliet: I had a nice time today. Better than I thought I'd have, if I'm honest.
Betty: We had fun together, we beat that Veronaville team, Hannah fell into a skip - nothing can spoil what a great evening this has turned out to be.

Bob: (Emerges from toilet) Bloody hell, that's a nice load off. I needed that. Stick the kettle on, would you love? I need a hot drink to relieve the soreness.