Bob&Betty - Episode 3 - Betty's Dress

Juliet: Oh, morning Bob.
Bob: Alright?

Bob: So, college huh?
Juliet: Erm. Yeah.
Bob: How long you been going there?
Juliet: Since I moved in here.
Bob: Oh yes.

Bob: Are you liking it here?
Juliet: Yeah, its nice.
Bob: Just not like the other places you've stayed?
Juliet: Yeah.
Bob: Weather's nice.
Juliet: It is, isn't it?
Bob: Beautiful... beautiful.
(Silence)
Bob: Did you like Betty's chicken last night?
Juliet: Was lovely, yeah.
Bob: Yeah.
Juliet: Sleep well?

Bob: I can't do this anymore, I'm gonna take a dump.

Betty: Morning.
Juliet: Oh hey Betty, why are you so dressed up?
Betty: Oh this. (Laughs) Its my costume for that play I'm in, ain't it?
Juliet: Erm, I don't think you're meant to take your costume home with you.
Betty: What? I'm staying in character!
Juliet: Right. I'm looking after this guys dog tonight whilst he's out. I'm getting paid a bit for it, so...
Betty: Oh, that's good.
Juliet: Yeah he's really, really rich too.
Betty: More than you?
Juliet: Oh Betty, nobody's richer than me.

Bob: Oh my God, hubba hubba!
Betty: (Laughs) Thanks.
Juliet: I thought you were going for... well... a poo.
Bob: I did.
Juliet: What!? Did you even wash your hands?
Bob: Why do I have to? It's not as if my hands actually touched the - oh look at that, it must have.

Juliet: (Runs) I'm off.

Betty: You know, you remind me of the sea.
Bob: Why, 'cause I'm unpredictable and romantic?
Betty: No, 'cause you make me sick.

Betty: I'm popping to the store for a bit.

(Phone rings)
Bob: For gods sake!

Bob: Hello?
Brandi: Dad its me.
Bob: Who?
Brandi: Brandi!
Bob: Oh, hello, Lardy Lou.
Brandi: Dad, can you send a taxi to pick me up from my school, please. The bus broke down.
Bob: Can't you walk?
Brandi: No, its like five miles away!
Bob: Lazy bitch.
Brandi: Dad, please.
Bob: Alright. Fine. If you wanna go and crap all our money away on stupid things, then fine! We're not made of money, you know!
(Hangs up)

TV Commercial: The remote control holder can be attached to the arm of your sofa, or it can be attached to you! Now, say bye bye to holding your remote, and losing your remote, because - don't you just hate it when the remote goes missing?
Bob: Yeah! Especially when it gets stuck between my bum cheeks.
TV Commercial: Then buy the remote control holder today, for only twenty pounds!
Bob: Oh my God! I'm so getting it!

Later that day:

Veronica: (Gasps) Anne, quickly dear! Look over there, isn't that Betty Newbie?
Anne: Oh, I don't want to look dear, not after just eating my salad. I don't want to throw up until I take my Grandfather to use the bathroom.
Veronica: No quickly! She's looking... acceptable.
Anne: Surely not!

Anne: Oh, my goodness gracious goody gilly, she does indeed!

Veronica: Betty!
Betty: Oh, hi.
Anne: What on earth happened to you, overnight?!
Veronica: You look somewhat fabulous.
Anne: Yes, why are you dressed so?
Betty: Erm, well I...
Veronica: (Gasps with excitement) Don't tell me you left that gigantic pop-off machine of a husband for a richer man?
Betty: Yes. Yes I did.

Anne: Splendid!
Veronica: We must dine together!
Betty: Yeah, that would be good.
Anne: Oh, tonight! We're all free tonight!
Veronica: Oh, so we are! At your place!
Betty: Oh - well, but I -
Anne: Its going to be great fun, my dear!
Veronica: Anyway, email me, my dear, so we know the address of your new place! You have my email, my son sent your daughter that virus that one time. Cheerio!

Betty: Anyway... back to shopping - damn, I could really use that chicken a bit bigger. Excuse me, sir?
Shop worker: Yes?
Betty: Do these chickens here get any bigger?
Shop worker: No miss, they're dead.

[Phone beeps]

Juliet: Ooh, a text, I hope it's from mother!

New Message From: Brandi Mob
Sent: 14/7/09
Message: Do you ever think about me?

Bob: Oh my god. I love you, Lily Allen. Sing to me. Seriously - I'm not even joking, Lily I honestly love you. If we had met, that song "Not Fair" wouldn't have been based on my little lady, I can tell you. (Begins to sing) When do you think it will all become clear? 'Cause I'm being taken over by the...

Bob: ...FEAAARRRRRRR!
Betty: What on Earth are you doing?!
Bob: Oh, alright love?

Betty: Babe, I need to ask you for a favour tonight.
Bob: Oh, for Gods sake, don't I already do enough for you?
Betty: Name one thing you do for me.
Bob: I clean out your belly button fluff!
Betty: No Bob, that's what I do for you!
Bob: (Giggles)

Betty: I need you to keep Juliet here at all costs!
Bob: What? Why?
Betty: I'm gonna use that posh house she's looking after.
Bob: What? Why? What's wrong with our house?
Betty: You're in it.

Bob: So why do you need this place?
Betty: I'm running a dinner party.
Bob: Since when do you run dinner parties, Bet?
Betty: Since I got asked by the Veronaville Ladies, earlier today.
Bob: What the hell? Why would they want you, of all people, to host a party for them?!
Betty: Oh, I see? I'm not fancy enough.
Bob: Its that dress, isn't it? The one you refuse to take off.
Betty: I don't refuse to take it off, I'm staying in character.
Bob: Betty, you haven't got to try and prove to these girls that you're better than them.
Betty: Aww, really?
Bob: Yes, you're fine being the run down, occasionally smelly wife of the great and terrific Bob Newbie!

Betty: I'm so proud.
Bob: Stick the kettle on.
Betty: I'm doing it Bob.
Bob: Alright.
Betty: No, I mean I'm running that dinner party.
Bob: Oh, Betty, for God's sake.
Betty: Now, you promise that you make sure Juliet goes nowhere near that place. No matter what, okay?
Bob: (Sighs) Fine. But if she refuses, I may have to lock her in the cupboard.
Betty: No! Not after you did that to Brandi, whilst I visited my sister! You accidentally left her in there for two days.
Bob: There was no accident about it...

Betty: Anyway, Juliet left the address of the place up on the counter, here, so I'll see you later. Love you!

Bob: Heh, everyone loves me.

Juliet: Oh, hi.
Bob: Hey Julie.
Juliet: -et!

Juliet: I just had to nip back to check that address -
Bob: Okay.
Juliet: You know, that posh house I'm watching, well, and the dog?
Bob: Yeah, Betty mentioned it.
Juliet: Really nice place, it is.
Bob: Right.
Juliet: See you later, then.
Bob: Bye.
(Juliet leaves)

Bob: Wait... oh crap...

Bob: Damn you, Lily Allen! Bloody distracting me!

Bob: Juliet! Juliet! Wait!

Juliet: Oh, Bob. What's wrong?
Bob: You need to come inside! What is it you study at college!?
Juliet: Erm, fashion.
Bob: Well, there's a huge fashion disaster in the house!
Juliet: Really? 'Cause I'm just seeing it on the lawn.
Bob: Juliet! Quickly!
Juliet: Alright. I'm coming.

Juliet: Right, what's the emergency?
Bob: It's Brandi. She's getting picked on, for her clothes.
Juliet: Oh... oh, that's not good.
Bob: No, its not. She's in my room, crying her eyes out, would you be able to pick some nice things out for her?
Juliet: I would, but I've really gotta feed that dog -
Bob: Please, Juliet, help Brandi.
Juliet: Alright. Yeah, course I will.
Bob: Thanks, just wait here one second! Don't move!

Bob: Brandi, its me. Come home.
Brandi: (On phone) Dad, I can't, I'm about to go in for a mock! And what happened to you sending me a taxi earlier, when I needed it!?
Bob: Forget that. You need to come home.
Brandi: (On phone) Why? What's happened?
Bob: I need to keep Juliet in the house, don't ask why, but I've said you're having a clothes disaster and that you're getting picked on for what you wear. So, she said she'll help you try some clothes.
Brandi: (On phone) So, basically, Juliet's going to dress me?
Bob: Well... yeah.
Brandi: (On phone) I'll be ten minutes. Should I change?
(Silence)
Bob: Nah.

Juliet: Look, Bob, I need to go and feed it okay? I got trusted with this. I'll be back in twenty minutes, at the most.
Bob: Wait, Juliet. There's something I want to show you. Something which I've been shy about showing people. A talent.
Juliet: What do you mean?
Bob: Basically, its something which I wish to take up - professionally.
Juliet: Oh? Okay, well, show me it when I get back.
Bob: No, Juliet. It has to be now.

Veronica: I have to say, Betty, the place is lovely!
Nancy: Quite so. When Veronica had told me via mobile that you had changed so drastically, I stopped beating the hobo I was with and called Anne to see if such rumours were true.
Betty: Oh, I see. Well, I hope everybody's enjoying their chicken.
Tina: Its delightful.
Sharon: Oh, Betty, this is a great dinner, nothing could possibly ruin this moment!

(Growling noise)
Veronica: Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. When the doctors gave me those tablets, they said it should stop...

(Growling)
Tina: Veronica darling, I don't think that was you...

Anne: FLEE, LADIES! FLEE!
Betty: I just think it wants to play!
Veronica: Quickly! Find the exits, ladies!
Sharon: Why did they have to ban the right to use a firearm!?
Betty: No wait, please stay!

Juliet: You wanna do this professionally, you say?

Bob: Yeah, I'm good at it!

Later that night

Betty: She's out there on the phone to that guy, right now, trying to explain the mess. Remember guys, we keep it quiet okay?
Bob: I'll try Betty, but I'm not comfortable, being involved with your lie.
Betty: Oh, get real, Bob. Stop trying to blackmail me.
Bob: (Sighs) I want that remote holder.
Brandi: Quiet, She's coming in.

Juliet: Well, that just put a cramp on my day!
Brandi: Well, yours wasn't the only one that got ruined! You didn't change me, after all! Now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight!

Juliet: Erm, I really don't mean to be rude, but do you guys think that Brandi may like... well, girls?
Bob: What makes you say that?
Juliet: I mean...
Betty: Don't be daft, Juliet. I think she just wanted you to give her new clothes, is all.
Juliet: I guess.
Bob: We're off to bed. Night.
Juliet: Goodnight.

Bob: Poor Juliet, she must be insecure about herself, or something?

Betty: Today was a good day, Bob.
Bob: Really? Despite the fact you caused complete havoc?
Betty: It was just nice being one of the fancy birds, every now and again.
Bob: Oh. Well to me, you'll always be a fancy bird.
Betty: Thanks, baby.
Bob: Can you clean out my belly button fluff, now?
(Betty tuts)

Bob: Betty, we spoke about this, anti-clockwise, otherwise, it has an after tickling!
Betty: Sorry.