Bob&Betty - Episode 4 - Sex and Vegetables

Betty: So, what would everybody like for dinner later tonight? Because I'm not cooking.
Bob: As always.
Betty: Are you being serious? When was the last time I didn't cook you dinner, Bob? Name it!
Bob: That day last July, when you neglected me.
Betty: Bob, my sister nearly died!
Bob: Excuses.
Betty: Right, well, I'm just gonna nip out and get a kebab, come teatime.
Juliet: A what?

Brandi: Its basically a whole lot of dead greasy meat spinning on a stick, and most people only find it enjoyable when they are smashed out of their heads with alcohol.
Juliet: No words can describe the horror of that sentence.
Bob: But, I like kebab, all the time.
Brandi: I stand by my statement.
Juliet: Anyway, I'd best be off to college.
Brandi: Yeah, and I'm off to school.
Betty: See you later.

Bob: Did I ever tell you that your breasts look stunning this morning?
Betty: Yes. Thirteen times. Within eight and a half minutes.
Bob: Well, I meant it, Betty.
Betty: Look, don't start, Bob.
Bob: Come on. Lets do it right here, on the dining table.
Betty: Don't be so disgusting! This is where we eat!
Bob: We eat at McDonald's, but that didn't stop us from doing it there.
Betty: We were nineteen, and I was drunk! Don't remind me!
Bob: It was a great night. A big mac, two large fries, extra coke and a shag.

Betty: I'm going for a shower-
Bob: Ooh...!
Betty: -and, no, you are not joining me!
Bob: Oh, Christ. I don't get any in this house! It's a bleedin' sexless house! Even the curtains are frigid!

Documentary: This is Calvin the Cow! Say hello, Calvin!
Calvin: Moo!
Documentary: Ha ha, how cute. Now, would you like to find out how Calvin here becomes hamburgers? Lets start at the beginning...

Some time after:

Bob: Oh, buttercup...
Betty: (Sighs) Yes?
Bob: What are you doing, my sweet?
Betty: Making the bed.
Bob: Why make it... when we could lie in it?
Betty: I'm not lying in it.
Bob: Not even if I were to get... naked?
Betty: Especially not then. Now, get out.
(Bob leaves)

Bob: (Off-screen) Oh, sweetness...
Betty: Wha- Bob!

Betty: Put your clothes back on! You're revolting!
Bob: I'm not revolting! … I'm randy.
Betty: Get out!
Bob: Fine. I'll just see to myself. Don't come in the kitchen for ten minutes.
Betty: Can't you do it in the bathroom?
Bob: NO!

Juliet: Dammit, walk fast, Juliet.

Gina: Oh, Juliet! Hey kid!
Juliet: Crap.

Gina: So, what have you been up to?
Juliet: Nothing much. College and stuff. How about yourself -
Gina: Not a lot, sex and stuff.
Juliet: Lovely.
Gina: Don't you have a guy? Boyfriend?
Juliet: Nah. I'm concentrating on my studies and things. I can do without men.
Gina: That's very true - like my Auntie Nina always said. Men are just like a pack of cards - you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them and then a spade to bury them.
Juliet: She must've been a charming woman.
Gina: Oh, God, no. She was a bitch. How you finding it, living with Bob and Betty? Its like London Zoo, isn't it, with Bob in the house.
Juliet: (Laughs).
Gina: Oh, there's a smile! Damn, gotta run.
Juliet: Are you okay? You look scared.
Gina: I don't have time to explain - basically, last night I slept with this guy, well, four in total, but with this one guy - his wife caught us. Now, she and some others are starting a rebellion.
Juliet: Gosh.
Gina: Yeah. See you later, kid.
Juliet: Alright.

Harry: For the first time in my life, I want a salad.
Brandi: What are we gonna do? We get so done if we waste food.
Lucy: Come on Harry, take one for the team. Eat them.
Harry: I can't! Not after...
Lucy: Don't say it.
Harry: Calvin!

Brandi: Should we all just run? That way, they don't know who did it.
Harry: Some of us can't run, Brandi.
Brandi: Even better.

Harry: Not again.

Betty: Are you done yet?
Bob: Just... about... Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. Alright, I'm done.
Betty: Serviettes are on the counter.

Bob: So then, buttercup. How about you and I go to bed?
Betty: Bob! Surely you can't - not again!
Bob: Just you wait and see, sugarplum.
Betty: Ugh. You're disgusting. Put some clothes on - now!
Bob: If it's all the same to you, I'd rather stay like this.

Juliet: Hey guys. How are- BOB!
Bob: What?
Juliet: I don't want to see you naked!
Bob: Well, nobody made you stay.
Betty: Put some clothes on, now, you disgraceful man!
Bob: Fine.

Betty: I'm so sorry about that, Juliet. Would you like something to eat? Some lunch?
Juliet: That'd be lovely, thanks.
Betty: Alright, love. Let me have a look in the fridge.

Bob: Betty, my dear. Could I speak to you in the bedroom, for a moment?
Betty: Bob, I am not having sex with you!
Bob: Fine!

Juliet: Eventful day, huh?
Betty: Oh, don't ask.

Brandi: Hey, guys.
Betty: Hey Brandi, have a good day?
Brandi: We watched a video in science, about how animals become food - like in kebabs.
Bob: (Exiting bedroom) Oh, yummy!
Betty: What's wrong, love?
Brandi: It was awful! From this moment on, I am a vegetarian! I am never eating meat ever again!

Brandi: Dad! Let me in! Dad! It's my own choice!

Betty: Bob! Let her in this instant!
Bob: No Betty! I can be accepting toward her. Its like I said when she was born - if she doesn't want to, then she doesn't have to like football, she doesn't have to have friends, she can campaign for Greenpeace, she can be a lesbian-
Juliet: Ha!
Bob: - but, no daughter of mine refuses to eat meat.

Thirty-eight minutes and fifty-seven seconds later...

Betty: Are you okay?
Brandi: I'm freezing! Look, Dad, I'm a vegetarian and that's that!
Bob: You're seriously going to stick to it?
Brandi: Yes.
Bob: Fine. Then, you are no longer my daughter. I'm going to find a new daughter.
Betty: Don't be daft.
Bob: Juliet, would you like to be my daughter?
Juliet: No.
Bob: I'll find someone...

Brandi: Just leave me alone!

Betty: You heartless idiot! See what you did?
Bob: I certainly do. Now, I get to finish her dinner.

Later that night

Bob: It's late, Betty. You know what that means.
Betty: Sadly, yes.
Bob: I'm going to slide into that bed, and then I'm going to slide into-
Betty: Bob!

Bob: Okay, this clearly isn't working out. I'll be back later.
Betty: Where are you going? Its late!
Bob: There's something I have to do.

Bob: (Coughs).
Brandi: Wha - what are you doing!?
Bob: We need to talk.
Brandi: We do? Cause I need to sleep.
Bob: This cow -
Brandi: Don't say it!
Bob: Calvin.
(Brandi gasps)
Bob: What if he was an evil, juicy cow?
Brandi: Dad, this won't work.
Bob: Okay, fine.

Brandi: What the hell are you doing?
Bob: I'm eradicating your madness.
Brandi: Being a vegetarian isn't mad.
Bob: Yes it is. When God created this planet, he said - let there be animals, so that Alan and Eve may have something to eat three times a day, and to snack upon between meals.
Brandi: That is not what God said. And it's Adam, not Alan.
Bob: Did you go to church school? Did you?
Brandi: No, but neither did you!
Bob: That's beside the point, Brandi.

Bob: Oh, Brandi. This was your favourite - mm. Nice, juicy meat.
Brandi: Stop it. Its wrong! Killing animals for food is wrong!
Bob: My God, this is delicious. I'm gonna have another plate.

The following morning

Betty: Oh my God!
Brandi: I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself!

Betty: So many plates! What the hell have you been doing?! Look at this mess!
Bob: (Gasps) Brandi! You couldn't even resist the turkey for one night!
Betty: The turkey?! The turkey which I was cooking for my sisters wedding?!
(Silence)
Bob: Go on, Brandi. Explain yourself.

Betty: You best get to school, young lady.
Brandi: School? I haven't slept.
Bob: Well, you have only yourself to blame.
Betty: I've gotta go and get another turkey! I can't believe you, Brandi!

Bob: Have you learnt your lesson?
Brandi: Yeah, don't mess with you.
Bob: Oh, Brandi. I only have three words for you.
Brandi: And they are?
Bob: Never... neglect meat.

Brandi: Cheeseburgers, everybody?
Harry: Yes. Unfortunately.
Lucy: It's so unfair on the poor cow.
Brandi: It's delicious.
Lucy: What?!
Brandi: Like I want to be a vegetarian. Life's too short and meat's too tasty.
Harry: You murderer!
Brandi: Oh, shut up, Harry. You didn't get that fat by eating lettuce.
Lucy: She's got a point.

That evening

Brandi: Alright, Dad. You were right... for once.
Bob: About what?
Brandi: You managed to prove, using a grossly unorthodox method, that I love meat, and I can't take being a vegetarian.
Bob: So, I suppose you should be thanking me, then?
Brandi: Dad, you locked me out of the house, disowned me as a daughter and cooked Mum's turkey and blamed it on me.
Bob: Right. So, do I detect a 'thank you' coming out of this?
Brandi: You're a jerk.
Bob: I love you too.

(Bob and Betty are in bed)
Bob: Betty! Wake up, Betty!
Betty: What's the matter, darling? Can't you sleep?
Bob: No. I've had an erection all night.
Betty: What?
Bob: I'm just so randy.
Betty: Oh, for the love of God. Just do me. If it'll make you happy, just get on with it and do me.
Bob: Betty, if you want sex, then ask. There's no need to be rude about it.

Bob: Ohh, that hit the spot. Much better than the last two times.
Betty: What last two times?
Bob: Oh, don't worry. You were asleep.
Betty: What the f-
Bob: Yes, darling. Yes.

Bob: Yes... Oh, yes...
Juliet: Why does this have to be my room?
Brandi: (From afar) It's no different here, Juliet!