Bob&Betty - Episode 5 - Barking Mad

Bob: Get together, everyone! Family meeting!
Brandi: So, come on then, Dad. Why make this "family meeting"?
Bob: Oh Brandi, you're here. You can go.
Brandi: What? I'm your daughter!
Bob: God. You just don't stop moaning, do you?

Betty: Anyway, go on, Bob.
Bob: I've never thought about getting a house pet before, however -
Betty: Except the time you brought a skunk thinking it was a cat.
Brandi: Funnily enough, the smell around the house actually improved.
Bob: Anyway, as I was saying. I've never thought about getting a dog before, seeing as how we've had Brandi -
Brandi: Oi!
Bob: But, I think it's about time we all had a nice furry animal in the house.
Brandi: Other than you?
Bob: That's it, go to your room.
Brandi: I haven't got one! You gave it away to Juliet!
Bob: Then go sit on the lawn until you calm down.

Brandi: (Sighs) I hate my life.

Brandi: What?
Tramp: Get off my bed.

Bob: Do you ever think I'm harsh to Brandi?
Betty: Yes.
Bob: Ah well. I'm gonna go and buy the dog in an hour.
Betty: Bob, I'm not all for getting it, I have to tell you.
Juliet: No, me neither.
Bob: But I want it.
Betty: Doesn't mean the rest of us do.
Bob: But I'm more important.

Betty: Bob, stop being so childish.
Bob: God, I hate you all!
(Bob storms out)

Juliet: Wow. That was strange.
Betty: Consider yourself lucky he didn't knock things over, drop to the floor and kick his legs and scream until we agreed.

An hour later

Bob: Hello, my lovely family.
Betty: So, you've got over your little tantrum earlier?
Bob: Yes, I discovered that I can't always get my own way from creating a fuss.
Betty: Good.
Bob: It is, isn't it?
Betty: You got the dog, didn't you?
Bob: I did.

Bob: Ah, there he is, say hello to Claw!
Betty: Claw?! Why is it called claw?!
Bob: Dunno. The guy in the alley named him.
Betty: Bob, did you get this from a pet shop? Please tell me you did!
Bob: Don't be daft, this guy in the street had a two for one offer.
Betty: Where's the other one?!
Bob: Dunno, I lost it.

(Dog growls)
Juliet: I'm scared.
Bob: Don't be silly, he's perfectly harmless. He's just saying hello!
(Dog barks)
Bob: Now he's saying "thanks for having me, and thanks to Bob for buying me, Betty I think you should cook him a cheese toastie as a reward!"

(Dog barks aggressively)
Bob: I think he wants the cheese toastie!
Betty: Bob, that dog is dangerous!
Bob: How was I supposed to know that? All he did on the way other here was go for an old lady.
Juliet: That didn't give you a clue!?
Bob: Well, no. I hate the old, too.

(Dog goes for Bob)
Bob: RUN! RUN! DON'T BITE ME! EAT BRANDI! EAT BRANDI!
Brandi: SHUT UP!

Bob: There, we're safe out here. Is Brandi out okay?
Brandi: Yes! I'm fine!
Bob: Damn. Anyway, I'm sure the little fella will calm down. Just give him time.
Juliet: My door was open! What if it ruins my dresses!?
Bob: Then I will buy you new ones.
Juliet: With what money!?
Bob: You'll lend me it.

Betty: Well done, Bob! Just when I thought you couldn't be any more stupid!
Bob: I got him for three hundred.
Betty: YOU CAN GET CHEAPER THAN THAT IN THE PET SHOP!
Bob: Oh. Well, this one's street smart, nobody wants a dog that craps itself.
Betty: Where did you get the money?!
Bob: Relax. Brandi won't get into college.
Brandi: You used my college money!?
Bob: Maybe. Don't worry, I sold Juliet's purse too.
Juliet: You what?!
Bob: But, I had second thoughts and decided against it.
Juliet: Good!
Bob: But the guy wouldn't give it back.
Juliet: Gargh!

Betty: Bob, you have completely crossed the line today!
Bob: What? I didn't sell anything of yours!
Betty: That's beside the point! You have completely crossed the line! Don't speak to me!

Later that night

Gina: Hey guys, what are you doing up so late?
Betty: What are you doing up so late?
Gina: Working.
Betty: Of course.

Gina: How come you guys are out here?
Betty: Bob bought a dog and it chased us out of the house.
Bob: Actually, I bought two.
Gina: You guys are scared of a dog? Seriously?
Juliet: Alright Gina, why don't you go in and say hello?
Bob: Yeah, go on.
Gina: Fine, I will.

Betty: Why did you let her go in?! She could get hurt, or worse...
Bob: Worse as in... die?
Betty: She could!
Bob: Well, at least usage of condoms in the area will drop.
Betty: Go in and get her! She's my best friend!
Bob: I thought Hannah was your best friend?
Betty: They both are. I love her deeply, Bob. If anything happens to her -
Bob: You go and get her then!
Betty: I don't love her that much.

Gina: Jeez!
Betty: Gina are you okay? What happened?
Gina: It jumped me! And then tried it on so I kicked it.
Bob: You kicked it!?
Gina: Hey I decide who humps me not the other way around! I'm off anyway guys, got a busy night ahead.
Betty: More clients?
Gina: No, just the guy is really posh. He lives at Saint George's Street, but he's eighty-seven.
Betty: GINA!
Gina: I can't talk to anybody about my career!
(Gina leaves)

Juliet: Oh my God, my Grandfather is eighty-seven, and lives at Saint George's Street!
Bob: We have more pressing matters at hand, Juliet.

Bob: I will not stand and allow this dog to remain in there any longer! It's our house! I will not rest until that dog is out of there!

The following day

Betty: Everybody have a nice sleep?
Brandi: How come dad made me sleep on the pavement?
Betty: He said he didn't, and I quote, "want your fat arse denting the lawn".
Brandi: He loves me really.
Juliet: Questionable.
Brandi: Where is he, anyway?

Bob: Hello family, I brought some helpers to assist me in removing the dog.
Betty: RSPCA people?
Bob: No, ex-soldiers.
Betty: Bob! Where did you find them?
Bob: They were hanging around in a bar called "I fought for my country when I was nineteen, so I'm gonna bang on about it until the day I die at age ninety".
Soldier: Amen.

Bob: Betty, this is Frederick. He was a Nazi.
Betty: Bob, that's not a good thing!
Bob: It's not?
Betty: No, he worked for Hitler! Get him out of here!
Bob: (Shocked) Leave Frederick! GO!

Bob: I'm sorry, love. I forgot the Nazi's were bad. I can't believe the way they took over Europe, in such a power-hungry manner.
Juliet: Yeah, because that's what they were hated for.

Richard: (to Betty) Why, hello good-looking!
Betty: (Blushes) Hello.
Richard: I fought in the Cold War, but I sure would like to play in your battlefield.
Bob: Leave. Now.

Bob: Worse than the Nazi, that bloke.
Betty: Bob!

Betty: Why did you get these soldiers, anyway? What are they gonna do about a dog?
Bob: Well, erm... I dunno. I thought they could help.
Betty: By what?! Marching the dog outta there?!
Bob: Don't be stupid, Betty. Boys - throw in some grenades!
Betty: BOB! NO!

Betty: All of you go! Leave! Now!
Bob: No. Me and my brothers-in-arms here are united, Betty. Where they go, I go. So, if they must leave, so must I.
Betty: I'm okay with that.

Juliet: This is pathetic. I'm not staying out here any longer -
Betty: Juliet! No!
Bob: It will kill you!
Brandi: You're too sexy to die!
Bob: She's right.

Betty: Wait a minute... sexy?
Brandi: Young, I said. I think everybody heard me say young.
Bob: That's what I heard.

Juliet: Oh, do stop growling! Quiet down! You're being very impolite!

Juliet: Thank you. Now, if you don't mind, we want the house back. So, if you would leave, I would greatly appreciate it. Many thanks.

Juliet: Now, come with me, and I'll take you back to your previous owner, and get my damn wallet back.

Bob: How did she do that?
Betty: Bob, we can't ever let her go.
Brandi: I know I won't.
Betty: Sorry?
Brandi: We've got the house back!

Later that night

Bob: Well, the past two days were eventful, huh?
Betty: Weren't they just.
Bob: And I don't think we can really place blame on anybody about the dog thing...
Betty: Oh, believe me we can.
Bob: I agree, Betty. It is Brandi's fault.
Betty: Goodnight.

Bob: Betty, can we get a giraffe?
Betty: NO!
Bob: Damn it.