Bob&Betty - Episode 6 - Slobs and Snobs

Juliet: O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Romeo: Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
Juliet: What?
Romeo: Well... we should talk the proper way.
Juliet: I can't be bothered, we should make out.
Romeo: Totally.

Juliet: That was fantastic!
Romeo: I love you -
Juliet: Oh, Romeo, I love you -
Romeo: Oh, Juliet, Juliet...

Brandi: ...Juliet...
Juliet: What the hell!? Brandi?!
Brandi: Oh, hi Juliet.
Juliet: What are you doing in here... again?!
Brandi: I heard you dreaming.
Juliet: How can you hear me dreaming?!
Brandi: I can be your Romeo.
Juliet: OUT!

Juliet: Morning, Betty. Where's Bob?
Betty: He's outside.
Juliet: Why?
Betty: Last night he was watching a "Do It Yourself" channel, and now he's been doing building around the home.
Juliet: This is bound to be a disastrous day.
Betty: Yep.

(Loud thud)
Bob: (From afar) OUCH!

Betty: Bob what the hell are you doing!?
Bob: Building a balcony... and I just hit my thumb with the hammer!
Juliet: (Cringes) Stupid dream.
Betty: How did you get on the roof!?
Bob: The tree.
Betty: You climbed that gigantic thing? Sod off, did you!
Bob: Alright, I got Brandi to give me a boost, round the back, where the roof's a bit lower.
Betty: Brandi? She's at school.
Bob: No, she's not.

Betty: Brandi! Get up, this instance!
Brandi: I don't wanna risk moving, I think my spine has split in two.
Betty: Why would you let your father stand on you!?
Brandi: He said he wouldn't fart in my soup anymore.
Betty: Get up and go to school!

Bob: (Singing) I'm doing DIC! I'm doing DIC!
Brandi: Its DIY dad.
Bob: How would you know? You're not at school.
Brandi: Because you've cracked my skeleton.
Bob: It was either you, or the tramp that hangs around here.
Brandi: Why couldn't you stand on him!? He's a fully grown man!
Bob: I'm gonna be frank, Brandi - I actually like the tramp.

Juliet: Oh my God, Betty! I just got a call from my parents-
Betty: So they're still talking to you for trying the shower?
Juliet: They want to come for dinner, tonight!
Betty: You're telling me this now!?
Juliet: What are we gonna do?
Betty: Get rid of Bob, for one!
Juliet: Do you get what this means? Betty, you have to cook -
Betty: Don't say it!
Juliet: Healthy food!

Betty: I need a moment...
Juliet: I can help you.
Betty: You can cook?
Juliet: No, but I can make Brandi look half decent. Bob's the problem.
Betty: He's always a problem, Juliet, but in this situation, he's defcon 5!

Gina: Hiya Betty, is this a bad time?
Betty: Kinda.
Gina: Ah well, we walked all the way down here, we're not leaving. What's up?
Betty: Juliet's parents are coming to visit.
Hannah: Bleedin' heck! What are you gonna do?
Juliet: Panic.
Betty: How come you two are still friends? After, you know - Gina slept with your husband.
Hannah: Well, we came to an agreement.
Betty: Which was?
Hannah: He was crap.

Gina: She did try and beat me up, though.
Betty: Try?
Hannah: Yeah, I went for her with an umbrella, but she kicked me in the vagina.
Gina: It was self defence.
Betty: Guys we need your help, for tonight!
Juliet: (Shocked) These two?! Really?!

Betty: You guys can cook, right?
Gina: I do a mean cheese toastie.
Betty: That's not gonna help, Gina.
Hannah: I can cook.
Betty: Really!?
Hannah: Yeah, my husband was a chef, so he taught me a lot of stuff.
Gina: The one I slept with?
Hannah: No, the one that died three years ago.
Gina: (Silence).
Hannah: You get around, don't you?

Betty: What can you cook?
Hannah: Everything.
Gina: I'm sure they'd appreciate my toastie.
Betty: You can leave now, Gina.
Gina: I could, but I won't. If Hannah's helping out, I am too.
Betty: That's great of you, Gina, you can clean the bathroom.
Gina: Well, I've gotta run!
Hannah: No. You said you were gonna help, so you stay.
Gina: You know how you said we're friends again? Yeah? How about we just forget that?
Betty: (Sighs) The cleaning stuff is on the counter.

Betty: Bob! Can you please get rid of that damn balcony?
Bob: No way, Betty! I've spent ages on this.
Betty: You spend ages on the toilet, but you flush that down!
Bob: Well, you used to tell me off when I didn't. I mean, what do you want Betty?
Betty: I want you to get some class!
Bob: You're the one who needs a shave down below!
Betty: Oh my God, Bob! You did not just yell that out in public?!
Bob: No, I yelled it from the roof...
Betty: That's even worse! What if somebody heard you!?

Juliet: (From afar) I did.
Gina: (From afar) I did.
Hannah: (From afar) So did I.
Gina: (From afar) Betty, I've got some clippers you could borrow...
Betty: We need new walls!

Later that evening

Bob: Heeey, guys!
Betty: Hey, Bob. Go in the bedroom.
Bob: Ooh, you want me, eh?
Betty: No. I want you out of the way, whilst Juliet's parents visit.
Bob: Oh, Betty you've upset me.... aww...
Betty: Are you drunk!?
Juliet: Please say no!
Bob: Yeesss! I am completely smashed out of my face.
Juliet: You just would be, wouldn't you?

Juliet: What are we gonna do?
Betty: Its alright. When he's drunk, he normally-
(Bob falls to floor, asleep)

Betty: -does that.
Juliet: Quickly! Everybody, help me carry him!
Brandi: No, no! His weight has damaged my body enough, already.
Betty: And mine and Juliet's skinny hands will snap off, if we lift him up, now, help!
Brandi: Oh, so you're saying I'm fat?
Betty: No, I'm saying you have sausage fingers, now, help!

Paige: I'm sure there's a perfect explanation for this, Henry.
Henry: A God-awful balcony and a sofa on the lawn? I bet this is nicer than the inside.
Paige: What could the sofa possibly be on the lawn for?

Juliet: Mum! Dad! You're here! How long have you been standing there?
Henry: About ten minutes. We're horrified.

Juliet: Mum, dad - this is Betty.
Betty: Hello, its lovely to meet you.
Paige: Hello.
Henry: Hello. It - is - lovely - to - meet - you.
Paige: They can understand us, Henry.
Henry: When I see it. I'll believe it.
Betty: This is my daughter, Brandi.
Paige: Hello, my dear.
Brandi: Oh, Mrs. Henderson, I can see where Juliet gets her good looks from!
Paige: Thank you, dear.
Juliet: Shut up, Brandi!
Paige: Juliet! She was only making a compliment.
Juliet: Right, sorry.

Juliet: (Silently) Hannah's gonna pretend to be our cook, right?
Betty: Yeah, I spoke to her.
Juliet: And you made sure she's not gonna speak!?
Betty: Juliet, nobody could promise that.
Paige: You know, I could really use the bathroom.
Juliet: Oh my God!
Betty: Gina!

Betty: (Runs ahead of Paige) Wait, one second!

Betty: Oh my God! Gina! She's smashed down our wall!

Paige: You know I really need to use the toilet... Oh, my goodness! Do you people always use the loo outside, in front of your neighbours?
(Neighbour on deckchair)
Stewart: Well, Bob does.
Betty: Our cleaner must have erm - caused the damage.
Paige: Oh, you have a cleaner?
Stewart: That wasn't a cleaner! It was Gina! She's a prostitute!
Paige: You know what, I don't need the bathroom anymore.

Betty: That's enough from you, Stew! And you would know she's a prostitute, wouldn't you!
(He laughs)
Betty: Yeah, Stewart, she said you were small!
Stewart: (Horrified) She said she didn't mind!

Betty: How are you liking the chicken?
Paige: Its lovely.
Henry: No, its not.
Paige: Yes, it is.
Henry: It is?
Paige: It is!
Henry: It is.

Betty: You know, you don't have to pretend to enjoy the food.
Henry: There's no pretending, its just not very nice.
Juliet: Father!
Paige: Henry, stop! These people have obviously tried to make an effort. Now, we should show them some respect!
Henry: Right, I may have crossed some line. I don't like offending, its just in my nature. I will do my best to contain myself.
Juliet: Excellent.
Henry: So, if I offend you peasants anymore, then I deeply apologise.
Juliet: Oh, for crying out loud.

Betty: How about we skip to afters?
Henry: What?
Paige: She means dessert.
Henry: Ah, right. Yes, splendid idea. What have we got?
Betty: Jelly and ice cream.
Henry: In that case, let's go back to the starters, at least the bread was somewhat edible.
Hannah: What an arse!
Betty: Hannah!
Hannah: You know what? I've had enough! I can't be bothered to pretend to be your cook, any longer!
Paige: She was pretending?
Henry: She was a cook?!

Betty: Well, tonight has turned out to be a complete nightmare.
Juliet: Not completely. Dad thought the bread was alright.
Paige: Well, I suppose we should make a move.
Henry: Yes, we should.
Paige: It was an... enjoyable evening.
Henry: Don't lie. Would you like to see us out, Juliet?
Juliet: Yeah, sure. Come on -

Bob: Damn it! I left my beer on the balcony! But I can't go into the house - Betty will get mad! So mad! One day, she might actually leave me! I'll have to climb out through the window...

Bob: Hey, you! I need a lift!

Henry: Juliet, I'd like to offer you a new place to stay, whilst you are studying at college.
Juliet: Oh my gosh, seriously?
Henry: Yes, a cockroach wouldn't even stop off here, to use the toilet! I cannot let my daughter stay here!
Juliet: Dad, I don't know what to say...
Henry: I'll call you about it tomorrow, sweet pea. In the meantime, stay strong and don't look them straight in the eyes.
Paige: I thought they were kind, gentle people, with a good self respect.

Bob: Argggh!

Paige: Oh, my goodness!

Henry: Let's get away from here!

Bob: Man, that hurt! Juliet, are you gonna help me up?
Juliet: God, no.

Betty: What happened? Oh my God.
Juliet: Bob fell from the balcony - like that.
Betty: Well he normally falls from the roof naked. We expect that every spring. Bob, that balcony's going first thing tomorrow!
Bob: Right, okay.
Betty: Now, get inside and get dressed!
Bob: Fine.

Stewart: Ha! He has a small penis, too!

Later that night

Betty: An awful evening. Your parents hate us, and Bob fell from the sky, nude. It couldn't get any worse than this.
Brandi: Mum -
Betty: Yes, sweetheart?
Brandi: I dunno how she did it, but not only did she break down the wall, but Gina's broke the sink too.
Betty: Gina normally causes destruction in ways never seen, Brandi, but its normally during sex.
Brandi: Seriously?
Betty: That phone box down near the river was never the same again.
Brandi: You alright, Juliet? You're a little quiet?
Juliet: Yeah, I'm fine.
Betty: Alright then, love. I'm gonna go to bed. Night, both of you.
Juliet: Night.

Brandi: Were you thinking about "us"?
Juliet: Who?
Brandi: Me... erm - my mum - my dad. Us lot.
Juliet: You really scare me sometimes, you know that?
Brandi: Do you wanna talk?
Juliet: Nah, I've just gotta think stuff through.
Brandi: I can sleep with you if you need a friend?
Juliet: Okay, sure.
Brandi: Really!?
Juliet: Hell no.

Brandi: Where are you going?
Juliet: Just outside, for a breather.

Juliet: God, what do I do? I'm so confused. When I first got here, I said to myself that I'd get out of here at the first chance, but now I'm not sure.
Stewart: Just go with your heart.
Juliet: Right, you really have gotta stop watching us every second of the day! Its freaky!
Tramp: Yeah!
Juliet: I can't get any privacy!

Juliet: What do I do? Should I stay or should I go...
Bob: Man, that's a great song!
Betty: Shut up, Bob. I'm trying to sleep!
Bob: Juliet started it.
Betty: I don't care, Bob!
Bob: Why am I getting the blame?!
Juliet: I'm sorry I spoke.
Brandi: Seriously guys, hush down.
Betty: This is ridiculous.
Juliet: I hate these walls.
Brandi: And I hate you.
Betty: Brandi!
Juliet: Did you mean that?
Brandi: No. I was just hoping you wouldn't know it was me.
Bob: Seriously guys, can we sleep now?
Betty: You're the one who started it!
Stewart: This is ridiculous, even I'm getting annoyed.
Juliet: Oh, for Christ's sake!