Bob&Betty - Episode 8 - Bob Meet Betty, Betty Meet Bob

Bob: Christmas. It's that time of year where the whole family gets together to enjoy some quality time. It's the time of year where we spoil those most dear to us with gifts. What do I think of Christmas? It's my favourite time of the year, because I get to spend it with all of you, those that I love.

Betty: Bob, it's October and it's Juliet's birthday.
Bob: Damn it!

 

December 24 (Actually close to Christmas)

Bob: Evening family! Evening Brandi!
Betty: Hiya love.
Juliet: Wow, Bob. You're in a cheerful mood.
Bob: Why shouldn't I be, Juliet? Christmas is in the air! The snow is falling! Gifts will soon be waiting under trees! And my dinner's ready.
Betty: - In an hour.
Bob: Damn it, I hate Christmas.

Betty: So, where have you been all night?
Bob: Out carolling with Stewart. Man, that guy can sing! He does a killer Nessun Dorma and he's not bad at Orinoco Flow either.
Juliet: Wow, he really has a thing for the mainstream, doesn't he?
Betty: The only time I ever had the pleasure of hearing him sing was when he sang 'I'm horny, so horny horny horny" whilst I was in the shower.
Bob: He was singing what I was thinking.
Juliet: This is gonna be an awkward Christmas.

Bob: Right. Time to see what's on the telly. Brandi, vacate the sofa.
Brandi: No.
Bob: In that case, Brandi, vacate the house.
Betty: Bob! She was sat there first.
Bob: This is my sofa, Betty. It was me that found it, me that dragged it back, me that wiped the last of the dirt off it and me that has sat on it, every day, for the last seventeen years.
Betty: What a noble tale. Shut up, will you?
Bob: Do not dishonour me, Betty.
Brandi: Oh, lord. It's like being in a medieval piss up.

Knight #1: Welcome all thee, the knights of King Bob's table.
Bob: It pleases me to see you all here tonight. Sit before me at this fine oaken table and feast like you've never feasted before.
Knights (all): Whey!
Bob: And there will be beer - plenty of it - to drunken thyself with.
Knights (all): Whey!

Maid: (Running in) King Bob! Thy daughter has been captured!
Knights (all): Whey!

Maid: But, King Bob, thy daughter's captors are holding her at a castle not far from here, demanding a ransom! You must rescue her!
Bob: No. I must eat!
Knights (all): Whey!
Bob: And drink!
Knights (all): Whey!
Bob: And probably sit on the toilet afterwards.
Knights (all): Whey!
Bob: Seriously - will you all stop doing that?

Betty: BOB! Snap out of it!
Bob: Wha-? Oh, damn. It wasn't real.
Betty: What wasn't real?
Bob: The knights... and the feast!
Betty: What the hell are you talking about? Have you been on the wine again?! I told you that was for Christmas day!
Bob: Why do you always accuse me of drinking the wine?!
Brandi: Because you always drink the wine.
Bob: Nobody invited you into this argument, Brandi.

Brandi: This is crazy. Just have the sofa.

Bob: Great! What's on the telly?
Brandi: The usual. Sitcom Christmas specials.
Bob: Argh, I hate those. Why do sitcoms feel the need to make an episode especially for Christmas?
Brandi: Why don't we just sit around and talk, instead?
Bob: Well, that's a waste of my Christmas.
Brandi: I'm sorry. I forgot you have a job to get back to in the new year.
Betty: Now, wait, you two. Maybe we could tell the story of how you and I met, Bob.

Juliet: That's not a bad idea.
Brandi: Oh no. Please don't.
Bob: You don't want us to?
Brandi: No.
Bob: Then we shall.
Brandi: Of course...

Bob: It was Christmas Eve, 1986...
Brandi: Let me guess... Mum went to McDonalds and you were working there.
Bob: Oh, you're giving me attitude back, are you? You've got socks for tomorrow morning, Happy Christmas bitch.

Bob: Well, back in my younger days I had it all - I was handsome, good-looking and blonde.
Brandi: HA!
Bob: I had just finished my nine-month relationship with Brooke Shields at the time, and then -

Betty: Oh, that's just ridiculous. None of that is true.
Juliet: He lost me at Brooke Shields.
Brandi: He lost me at handsome.
Bob: Alright, alright. I'll tell the story properly...

 

December 24, 1986

Bob: The story begins in this very house, which me and my two brothers, Bill and Ben-
Brandi: Bill and Ben?!
Bob: Yes, now be quiet. Anyway, Bill, Ben and I had been living here since college ended that summer...

Bill: What should the final verse be again, Ben?
Ben: Dude, it's totally gotta be "I love your mum, and I'm sorry but that's just the way it goes...".
Bill: We're such talented songwriters.
Ben: It's some real deep stuff, man.

Bob: Hey, dudes!
Ben: Hey bro!
Bill: Dude, we finished the song.
Bob: Awesome! What's it called?
Ben: 'I Did Your Mum, Sorry.'
Bob: Sweet. The chicks are gonna dig this.

Ben: You guys ready for that totally awesome party we're throwing tonight?
Bill: Couldn't be more ready, man. Parties have been mental since we got our own house.
Bob: I bet that guy wishes he hadn't bet me the house over that snooker game.
Ben: Dude he was like eighty-seven?
Bob: Oh, no, man. I hope he found another place to live.
Ben: He could've died in the cold, dude.
Bill: Man, I feel awful, bro.
(Silence)
Bob: Beer anyone?
Ben: HELL, YEAH!

Betty: Meanwhile, whilst your father was being seriously lame, I was working in a local shop to make ends meet, since we had finished college that summer...

Betty: Hey Hannah.
Hannah: Oh, hi Betty.
Betty: You fancy going out partying tonight?
Hannah: Oh, er... I'm not too sure. Parties aren't really my thing.
Betty: Come on, it'll be fun!
Hannah: I'm... I'm not sure, Betty.
Betty: You're too shy, Han. You've gotta let yourself go! You're coming, whether you like it or not.
Hannah: Uh oh, please don't be bossy. It's not good for my panic attacks.
Betty: I know. When Professor Collins thought it was you who pee'd in his desk, you almost crapped yourself.
Hannah: I... I don't like conflict Betty. That's why I was called "Pooey Hanney" for a year and a half.
Betty: Aww, bless you.

Hannah: Who was it who did it anyway?
Betty: Some guy called Bob, or something.
Hannah: Oh, right... Bob what?
Betty: I don't know, love. We'd best get along and see Gina. We're running late.

Betty: Prepare yourselves - the next part of the story will come as a shock...

Gina: Vicar, my parents and I were delighted that you could to come over for dinner last night. It was such a pleasant evening.
Vicar: Thank you my love. You're parents have brought you up brilliantly. You should be proud to be such a devout Christian, not to mention how much voluntary work you do here at the church.
Gina: I am proud to serve my lord - he is the creator of everything.
Vicar: Have a lovely Christmas, Gina.
Gina: You too, Vicar.

Juliet: No way!
Betty: I did say you'd be shocked.
Juliet: Betty, I don't think Brandi's breathing.
Bob: Ah well, carry on.
Betty: It's your turn now.
Bob: Oh, alright. I was passing the church, on the way to the shops to buy some beer.
(Betty coughs)
Bob: ... Porn. And then I came across Gina.

Bob: Hey Gina!
Gina: Oh, my mother said I can't talk to you.
Bob: What? Why not?
Gina: Because you pee'd in Professor Collins' office.
Bob: Oh yeah... that.
Gina: So, hows that ridiculous band of yours?
Bob: Bill and Ben are cool.
Gina: Your brothers are called Bill and Ben?
Bob: Yeah... what of it?
Gina: So, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men?
Bob: No, we're called 'Fat, Single and Ready to Mingle'.
Gina: I'm going to go now.

Bob: I'm having a party later, if you want to come?
Gina: No. I'm going to watch a nativity play with my parents.
Bob: What's a nativity play?
Gina: A play about the birth of Jesus.
Bob: Why would you watch that on Christmas Eve?
Gina: Oh, I don't know. Just a whim...!
Bob: So, will you come to the party? It's at my place - number thirteen, Skankwood Close.
Gina: I told you, I'm not coming. Goodbye and Merry Christmas.

Bob: God, I will marry that girl...

Bob: And I did.
Juliet: No you didn't.
Bob: Oh wait - crap.
Betty: Let's continue with the story, and Bob - you just wait.
Bob: (Whimpers).

Betty: So, Hannah and I ran into Gina minutes later...

Betty: Hey Gina!
Gina: Hey Betty, hey Hannah. Bob Newbie just invited me to a party, eurgh. He really gives me the creeps, that guy.
Betty: A party? Cool. Where is it?
Gina: His place in Skankwood Close. Number thirteen, I think he said. It's strange though, because I swear my friend's grandfather used to live there.
Betty: Well, if there's any chance of a party, I'm going! Coming, Han?
Hannah: N... No. I'd better get home.
Betty: Oh, come on, Hannah!
Hannah: Look I d-don't want to be p-pushed into anything. I'm just gonna go home.

Betty: OH MY GOD! HANNAH, LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR!
Hannah: That was too close!
Gina: I cannot believe you!
Betty: Yeah, you should be watching where you're going, Han!
Gina: No, you Betty - you used the Lord's name in vain!

Driver: I'm so sorry, kid, are you alright?
Hannah: I'm, erm...
Betty: Hannah? I'm sorry, sir, she looks a bit shaken up. She's very shy, you see, and -
Hannah: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PLAYING AT, DRIVING THAT FAST IN THE SNOW?! YOU LUNATIC!
Gina: Oh, my God.
Betty: Gina!
Hannah: I COULD'VE BEEN KILLED! YOU COULD'VE FINISHED ME OFF! DO YOU THINK MY PARENTS WOULD WANT THEIR DAUGHTER DELIVERED TO THEM DEAD, ON CHRISTMAS EVE!?
Driver: I'm terribly sorry -
Hannah: WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE IT IF A CAR DROVE AT YOU?!

Gina: (Gasps)
Betty: Hannah!
Driver: Hey! Don't! Get out of my car!

Hannah: (Screams) ROAD RAGE!

Betty: The Newbies' doesn't seem so bad now, does it? Daft surname though.

Betty: And from that moment on, Hannah was a changed woman.
Bob: Is it my turn now? Good. So, over at my place, Bill, Ben and I were getting ready for the big party...

Ben: Dude, who's coming to this party?
Bill: Should we play some of our awesome tunes as they come in?
Bob: We totally should!
Richard: I'm saying this as your friends, guys - if you want the guests to stay, please, please don't.
Bob: Listen, Richard. If you can't understand the majesty of true tunes like 'I Did Your Mum, Sorry', 'I'd Do Your Girlfriend Next' and 'I Set Your Dog On Fire, Get Some Water', then maybe you'd better go. We can't have you bringing our sound down.

Bob: And so the party got into full swing, and the people loved our tunes.
Betty: To be honest, Bob, they were too drunk to notice what they were listening to. You could play the bridal march and they'd punch their hands in the air and do the robot. Anyway, once the partying had really got started, I arrived...

Gina: Man, this place sucks.
Betty: Well, no-one asked you to come. I thought you were going to a nativity play, anyway?
Gina: What? And just let you go to a house party on your own? Loads of drugs and alcohol get passed around at these things! As a woman with a Christian conscience, I had to protect you.

Bob: Okay dudes - we're gonna play a little track now called 'Shagging in the Headmaster's Office (Let's Get Detention)', and it's gonna bring down the house!

Bill: # Oh shagging in the headmasters office.
Ben: # Shagging in the -
Bill: # Shagging in the -
Bob: # HEADMASTERS OFFICE! YEAH ROCK AND ROLL!

Gina: Oh, my... this song it.... it speaks to me!
Betty: What the hell?
Gina: The song just... makes me want to shag in the headmaster's office!
Betty: Oh my God.
Gina: Don't use the lord's name in vain, Betty.
Betty: Wha-?
Gina: This song just makes me feel so... horny! Betty, it's also making me - I want to shag my old headmaster!
Betty: Your old headmaster was a ninety-seven-year-old fat, bald, German guy who died last year.
Gina: Mmm, I know.

Betty: And so, with the evening nearly over and Gina in the bedroom shagging the guy who looked the most like a ninety-seven-year-old fat, bald German headmaster, Bob and I were among the last people left...

Bob: (At bar) Brandy please, dude.
Jake: Coming right up, man.
Betty: (Approaching bar) Hi, can I have a Brandy, please?
Jake: Sorry, babe. Bob's ordered the last one.
Betty: Oh... never mind, then.
Bob: Hey... You can have mine.
Betty: Really?
Bob: Yeah, go on. What's your name?
Jake: Bob, meet Betty. Betty, meet Bob.
Bob: Nice to meet you, Betty. Watch you don't drink too much of that.
Betty: I thought you said I could have it.
Bob: Yeah, but... not all of it.
Betty: (Laughs)
Bob: Do you wanna dance?
Betty: Yeah, I'd love to.

Betty: And as we danced together, I felt something between Bob and I.
Bob: I was feeling horny.
Betty: Besides that, Bob!

Betty: And that's the story of how Bob and I met.
Juliet: That was... actually really sweet.
Brandi: Yeah, it was... despite the fact that Hannah turned into a maniac, Gina turned into a slag, and the climax of the story took place in a drug and alcohol-infested house party, featuring the worst band known to man.
Bob: (Sniffs) Beautiful... beautiful...

Brandi: There's just one more thing I want to know.
Bob: Never quite satisfied, are you?
Brandi: How did I come into the picture?
Bob: I ask myself that every morning.
Betty: BOB!
Bob: Fine, fine, fine. It all started one night fifteen years ago...

 

21st October 1994:

Bob: OH YES! GOD, BETTY! OH YES!

Juliet: Can we skip this part? I'm begging you.
Brandi: Yeah Dad, we all know how sex works.
Bob: OH, BETTY! That one was amazing -
Betty: Oh. Would have been even nicer if I was awake.


Brandi: You weren't even concious when I was conceived!?
Bob: And you say I'M mean to you!

4th November 1994:

Betty: OH MY GOD! Bob! I'm pregnant!
Gina: Eurgh, slut.
Bob: When's dinner?

5th July 1995:

Betty: ARGH! God... Oh God... Bob, I'm in pain!
Bob: I'm watching the 'Boy Meets World' season finale right now. Don't worry I'm sure you're fine sweetums, but seriously, do stop talking.
Betty: Argh! Oh my God - my waters just broke!
Bob: Yes, and Cory doesn't know if he's gonna be friends with Shaun again, so please, quieten down? Have a brandy!
Betty: I can't have a brandy, you moron! I'm pregnant! And I'm going into labour!
Bob: Oh! Sure Betty, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to the hospital...
Betty: Thank you.
Bob: ...In twenty minutes.
Betty: BOB!

Bob: Hello? Ambulance! I need one straight away! My wife's going into labour!
Paramedic: Okay sir, your address?
Bob: 13 Skankwood Close.
Paramedic: Is this a prank?
Bob: NO!
Paramedic: Alright, sorry. We'll be there in five minutes.
Bob: Is there any way you can make it twenty minutes?
Paramedic: What?
Bob: Oh, nothing!

Bob: The ambulance is coming, don't worry.
Betty: Bob! I'm scared! What if something has gone wrong with the baby?! What if I don't give birth properly?! What if the baby can't breathe properly?!
(Bob turns volume up)
Betty: BOB! TURN THAT TV OFF AND COME AND HOLD MY HAND! GET ME OUTSIDE FOR THE AMBULANCE! I'M SCARED!
Bob: I AM NEVER GONNA FORGIVE THE BABY FOR THIS!

Brandi: Oh my God! That's why you don't like me isn't it?
Bob: Well, you didn't come out great looking, which didn't do you any favours. But, yes.
Brandi: I couldn't help the day I was born, Dad!
Bob: Oh, you would use that excuse, wouldn't you?
Brandi: And is that why I was called Brandi?! Because of the drink?!
Bob: No! You were named after my grandmother, I think that was her name.
Brandi: You think?!
Bob: Yeah, I dunno. Never really met her, she died when I was young.
Betty: Oh, how old were you?
Bob: Twenty-five.

Betty: Wait - your grandmother was called Diana. I met her.
Bob: (Laughs) I was way off!
Betty: I can't believe this!
Bob: (Sighs) Alright Brandi, you were named after the drink.
(Silence)
Betty: Well, this was almost an enjoyable evening.
Juliet: Tomorrow should be good, though, do we have crackers? I love crackers!
Betty: Yes, I have some in the cupboard.
Bob: No, you don't, me and Stewart kind of, erm - got carried away.
Betty: Great. Now we have no crackers for Christmas day!

Gina: (Runs in) HEY EVERYBODY! I HAVE GREAT NEWS!
Bob: You're emigrating?
Gina: NO! I FINALLY DID IT WITH AN ASIAN GUY IN THE 21-39 DEMOGRAPHIC! THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!
Bob: Let's celebrate! Brandi, turn on the radio!

 

The following morning:

Bob: Ah, what a great day we had yesterday. Happy Boxing Day, Betty!
Betty: It's Christmas Day, Bob.
Bob: DAMN IT!

Brandi: Ooh... Juliet. Passed out. Drunk. God bless us, everyone!