Bob&Betty - Episode 9 - Bob Gets Fit


Brandi: Juliet, do you ever read the newspaper?
Juliet:
No, why?
Brandi:
It’s just, there was an article I read about you the other day.
Juliet:
What? Are you serious?
Brandi:
Yeah, take a look.

Juliet: Hmm, how about that.


Bob: Did it work?
Brandi: No she's still ignoring my advances.
Bob: You'll get her.


Betty: Evening, everyone.
Juliet: What the hell?
Bob: What's with the shades?
Betty: I told you guys; I went to see the ophthalmologist the other day.
Bob: A what?
Betty: The opticians.
Bob: Come again?
Betty: Eye doctor.
Bob: Oh aye.
Betty: And she said I needed glasses so I've got glasses.
Juliet: I think they look great.
Betty: Thanks, Juliet.


Bob: Well I think they look terrible, why would they say you need these?
Betty: Because I can't see properly.
Bob: And what makes her qualified to tell you to wear those things?
Juliet: Oh, I wonder...
Bob: Let me ask you something Betty, was this man -
Betty: Woman.
Bob: Woman, sheesh, they can be everything these days. Anyway, was this woman wearing glasses herself?
Betty: Yes.
Bob: Well there you go, she wants you to wear them so she doesen't feel so alone in this world.
Betty: Look, I know Sandra; she isn't like that, Bob! She's a lovely lady and is a professional at her job.
Bob: Sandra? Is that the woman who we bumped into at the shops the other day?
Betty: Yes.
Bob: She was ginger! Of course she's gonna make you wear glasses.
Juliet: Right, I'm off for a shower.


Bob: Them glasses have got to go.
Betty: No.
Bob: Excuse me?
Betty: No!
Bob: How dare you! did you just disobey me!?
Betty: Shut up, you idiot.
Bob: I'm putting my foot down! I refuse to sleep with you whilst you wear them. How do you like that? HAH!
Betty: Yeah, I'm gonna stick with the glasses.


Bob: Fine! Whatever! You're putting your eye-sight before your marriage!
Betty: You need glasses! You just don't wear them because you're stubborn and stupid!
Bob: I DO NOT NEED GLASSES! STOP TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR WHAT YOUR DOING!


Bob: You know, I've always loved this photo of Brandi?
Betty: Oh, really?
Bob: Yeah, she looks pretty.
Betty: That's Juliet, Bob.
Bob: Oh - oh my god.
Betty: Exactly, you're amazed now. Need glasses, don't you?
Bob: No, it just makes so much more sence that it's Juliet.


Gina: Hiya, Betty love. Woah, what's with the glasses? Is it difficult to find your way around Hogwarts without them?
Betty: I need them okay? Wait, the front door was locked, how did you get in here?
Gina: It was open.
Betty: No, that door was locked.
Gina: Oh, then I guess now would be a good time to tell you I stole Juliet's front door key.
Betty: It would.


Bob: Betty's got glasses... pfft. No wife of mine wears specs! Oh well, if Betty wants to focus on her flaws it doesn't mean the rest of us have to. So what if Brandi's got one foot bigger than the other and Juliet's ear looks like a rolled up piece of pork. There's nothing wrong with me though, heh. I'm practically perfect in every way! At least... at least, I think I am... oh my God... this cannot be...


Bob: I'M FAT!
Brandi: No -
(Kettle whistles)
Brandi: - Sherlock!


Bob: Betty, I took that picture in our bedroom down, the one of the family.
Betty: What? Why?
Bob: I look big in it. I'm sick of being so fat, Betty. Any picture which shows me being fat I'm getting rid of.
Betty: Oh right. In that case the photo album of our wedding, first holiday and last month's party are in the cupboard. Burn them.


Betty: You're really sick of being so big?
Bob: Yeah. I also don't think it's fair on my handsome face for the rest of me to be so flabby.
Brandi: To be fair, your face is flabby too.
Bob: Oh my god! Really? My face is gonna have to go on a diet too! That's it I've decided; no more chewing gum for me!
Betty: Bob, that's not really how it works.
Bob: Everything fattening is to be gone from this place! Chuck the chocolate, bin the doughnuts and put all vegetables to the front of the fridge.
Betty: Bob, we haven't had vegetables in the house since 1999, and that was when you were away on a trip.


Bob: Well then lets hit the stores! Let's buy our vegetables!
Betty: Bob, it's eleven at night, what shops do you think are gonna be open?
Gina: The sex shop's open twenty four hours a day if that helps.
Betty: Yes thank you, Gina, we'll go shop for our vegetables in your sex shop.
Gina: Well it's where I get my meat and two veg...
Brandi: Ooh smooth!
Gina: Cheers.
Bob: if you're all done making jokes perhaps we could get back to my problem now!


Juliet: Look, Bob, all kidding aside, it's great that you wanna get fit and healthy. I'm trained as a fitness instructor, you know? I could help you out!
Bob: Oh thank you, Juliet, that would be great!
Juliet: My pleasure, we'll kick things off with a morning exercise tomorrow morning.
Betty: Juliet, you're qualified to be a fitness instructor?
Juliet: Yeah, I used to put my dad through intense daily training.
Betty: Intense? Doesn’t he have a pacemaker?
Gina: Jeez, Juliet, what on earth were you thinking?
Juliet: God guys, just lay of me yeah? My mums tried poisning him three times and he's had two strokes; the bastard will just not die!


Bob: Anyway I'm off to bed. Betty, why don't you join us in the morning eh? Get abit healthier and... slimmer?
Betty: Oh is that you're attempt of telling me I've gained a few pounds over the past few months?
Bob: Well no -
Betty: Don't you like having a chubby wife, Bob?
Bob: I'm not saying that it's just -
Betty: Do my love handles make you sick? Is that what you're saying!?
Bob: Yes, Betty! Do you want me to spit it out? You have gained weight, quite alot actually, in fact you're stomach has inflated so much I'm pretty sure boy scouts could camp in your belly button!


Betty: I'm sorry you had to see that.
Juliet: It's okay.
Gina: Don't apolgise, somehow it really turned me on...


Bob: Morning, sweetheart.
Betty: Yeah, whatever.
Bob: Are you still mad at me cause I said you've got abit curvier?
Betty: Oh no I just decided to ignore the comments you made at the table last night but what I didn't approve of was you screaming 'TIMBERS' when I tripped over and making whale noises when I showered.
Bob: Oh come on, Betty, it was a -
Betty: Wait. Stop. Do you hear that?
(Sound of a heart beating)
Bob: What the?
(The heart gets louder and quicker)
Betty: Where's that coming from?
(The heart begins to beat continously until it stops and explodes)


Juliet: THAT IS THE SOUND OF YOUR HEART WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE THE WAY YOU'RE LIVING, NEWBIE!
Betty: Blimey!
Bob: Oh my good god!
Juliet: OUT IN THE COURTYARD NOW! COME ON - NOW! UP YOU GET GRASSHOPPER! UP!
Bob: But Juliet I'm not even -
Juliet: GET YOUR FAT ASS OUTSIDE BEFORE I MAKE YOU DO TEN STAR JUMPS!
Betty: Juliet, this is madness!
Juliet: Do you wanna do star jumps too!?
Betty: You're not even my instructor!
Juliet: WAS THAT BACKCHAT!?
Betty: No, mam!
Juliet: THOUGHT SO! I WANT YOU OUT ON THE LAWN IN FIVE MINUTES, NEWBIE, YA HEAR!?


Bob: Oh my god...
Betty: She's scary, I never thought I'd see Juliet like that!
Bob: Gina would be SO aroused right now...
Betty: Bob!
Bob: I slightly am!

Soon:

Juliet: Good to see you out here grasshopper!
Bob: Juliet, how on earth-? What is this? How did you get this out here?
Juliet: Oh Bob, when you have a great sence of imagination and knowledge anything is possible.
Bob: Or you just paid somebody to come set this all up?
Juliet: Yeah, that too.
Bob: What did you do with the Tramp's sofa?
Juliet: Oh, I found better use of it.


Hannah: (Sings) What a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day! It's a perfect day for a lovely walk in the park!




Hannah: What the fu-


Juliet: Go! Get moving!
Bob: What you just expect me to -
Juliet: GET GOING!
Bob: I have to do my stretches first don't I?
Juliet: Sheesh, Newbie, you're such a girl!
Bob: You're a girl.
Juliet: IS THAT SEXISM, NEWBIE!?
Bob: Juliet, what the hell is wrong with -
Juliet: GO! GO! GO!



Stewart: Bob, are you okay?
Bob: (Huffing) Stewart, you've gotta get me out of here!
Stewart: Why what's wrong?
Bob: It's Juliet - she's - driving - me crazy!
Stewart: I - I don't really know what to do Bob...
Bob: We're friends aren't we?
Stewart: Bob, last week you got so mad Manchester United lost, you ran out here and hit me over the head with a big toblerone!
Bob: That's how I show my love! Ask Betty, she gets a walloping with the toblerone everytime the chicken's undercooked!
Stewart: Well I -
Bob: Stewart please - get me away from here! Take me anywhere!
Stewart: Alright, I know a place we can go...


Stewart: Welcome Bob, to Gay Jay's!
Bob: Wow, it's a bar! I haven't been in one since I got kicked out that one time.
Stewart: Too drunk?
Bob: No too predigest apperantly.
Stewart: What?
Bob: Oh don't be alarmed, I'm more open minded than the next guy but if your small and Irish and don't like being called a Leprechaun then don't go out in public...
Stewart: C'mon in. There's some people I'd like you to meet -


Stewart: Guys, I brought a friend with me today! Everyone, say hello to Bob!
All: Hello!
Stewart: This is Vicrum.
Vicrum: Yes that's actually my name... my parents didn't like me.
Bob: Where did they get that from?
Vicrum: Well my grandfather's name was Victor and I guess they merged the last bit with my dads favourite drink: rum.
Bob: What awful parents!
Stewart: Bob, isn't Brandi named after -
Bob: Shut up you.
Stewart: This is Gay Jay, he runs the bar!
Gay Jay: Hey!
Stewart: And this is... I'm sorry I have completely forgotten your name, I just call you Military Guy...
Military Guy: Everyone forgets for some reason. Nice to meet you Bob my name is...
Stewart: Ooh, is that a new pool table!?
Gay Jay: Yes it is!
Military Guy: Nevermind.


Stewart: Since when did you get a pool table, Gay Jay!?
Gay Jay: Well things have really picked up in here lately so I thought why not add one in!
Bob: Well it's fantastic, we could have tournaments.
Military Guy: I love this guy already!
Bob: Thanks, err-
Military Guy: My names -
(Bob farts)
Bob: Sorry, had a curry last night.
Vicrum: Understandstable.
Military Guy: Lets just play, shall we?


Brandi: (On phone) Oh god, yes! Did you see Cheryl last night? SHE LOOKED AMAZING! I seriously would, you know! Yeah I never used to think much of Dannii either but she's got a great pair on her. YES! I did see the Girls Aloud tour last weekend. I'm telling you they looked pretty darn fine! Anyway, had any luck finding a boyfriend? Me neither, I just don't know what I'm getting wrong...


Juliet: YOU!
Brandi: Juliet, what's wrong?
Juliet: WHERE'S BOB!?
Brandi: Wha-what?
Juliet: WHERE'S YOUR FAT ASS FATHER!?
Brandi: I don't - don't know - he ran off - somewhere. I - I haven't - seen him!
Juliet: LIES!
Brandi: LUCY, GET HELP!
Juliet: YOUR FRIEND CANNOT HELP YOU NOW NEWBIE!


Brandi: NO! JULIET, PUT THAT DOWN! NOT DAD'S COW COSTUME! NO! HE FARTS IN THAT AND DOES NAKED DANCES WITH IT - NO! JULIET - NOOOO!

Sometime later:

Betty: Hey guys, is anybody home? Brandi? Juliet? I wanna show you guys my new contacts!


Betty: OH MY GOD, BRANDI!


Brandi: HELP! IT STINKS OF LAST NIGHTS CURRY IN HERE!


Juliet: I've searched everywhere where Bob could possibly be; he's not anywhere in the living room!  I'll find him. Hmm, I've got an idea.


Bob: Thanks for letting me stay here, guys, I'm hiding from my fitness instructor - she's loopy!
Gay Jay: You run away from your fitness instructor!?
Bob: Yeah, why?
Gay Jay: I seduce mine.
Military Guy: Bet he likes that.
Gay Jay: What makes you say it's a man?
Military Guy: Oh, just a whim!


Bob: Anyway, guys this girl is completely insane! If you guys see her then claim to never have met me! Stewart, you've got pictures of her on your phone haven't you?
Stewart: Yes.
Bob: Show the guys the picture.
Stewart: With or without Brandi and Betty in it?
Bob: Just her alone, we're not pervs, Stewart, for crying out loud.
(Phone rings)


Bob: Anyway, as I was saying guys if you ever see her then not a word okay? (Awnsers) Hello, oh, hey Juliet, how's it going? Nothing much just at a new club...
Stewart: Err, Bob...
Bob: Stewart, please, I'm talking. Yeah sure you can come for a drink - it's called Gay Jays. Alright, see you soon, love. Bye bye.


Bob: Hmm, I could do with another drink.
Gay Jay: He seriously hasn't noticed?
Stewart: Give him a sec.


Bob: AH, CRAP!

Later that night:

Juliet: You can do it, Bob, climb that wall!
Bob: I can - I can! I can do this... like Spider-Man.
Juliet: More like Flubber Man.


Bob: I - I can't do this anymore! I quit!
Juliet: You don't get to quit! Man up, Newbie!
Bob: You know what, Juliet? No! I've had enough! I've given you a place to stay this past year and I've treated you like nothing but a daughter.
Juliet: Not much of a compliment, Bob.
Bob: And I have never done anything to annoy or hurt you so I have to ask you Juliet. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
Juliet: Bob, you sold my purse for a dog, that dog then ruined my fanciest dresses; you made me watch you dance half naked so Betty could use a house I was meant to be looking after to impress the Veronaville Ladies and last night you whacked me with a massive tolblerone because I said I enjoy Ghostbusters 2, would you like me to go on?
Bob: Should I get started on the star jumps?
Juliet: Please.

A few days later:

Juliet: Well, all the exercising you've done Bob was a waste of time, I know I got a bit carried away.
Bob:
Juliet, Kerry Katona's uterus has got carried away, you were on a whole new level! But I should say I'm happy with my body, Juliet.
Juliet: You sure?
Bob: Positive.
Juliet: Fine, lets have it your way. But I am sorry.
Bob: Plus I can't get it any worse than Brandi -


Brandi: Shut up!
Betty: Leave her alone, Bob. The doctor said the cows costume will wedge off eventually.
Bob: You're right, Betty, that was insensitive of me. I'm sorry Brandi.
Brandi: Thank you!
Bob: I shouldn't make a joke about her when she's not in the MOOOOOO'ED.
Brandi: Oh, screw you! I'm going out!
Bob: Okay, don't eat the lawn.
Brandi: SHUT UP! IT'S YOU THAT DOES THAT!


Bob: It was one time and there was nothing left in the fridge...


Gina: (Gasps)  Rick, what are you doing here!? I told you to stop following me!
Brandi: Wha-?
Gina: We had sex and it was great, but you've gotta stop stalking me! And stop trying to get me into you again, the cows head might of done it once but it doesn't anymore okay!?
Brandi: I -
Gina: And secondly, I did not appreciate you telling John that I like it when you put your -
Brandi: GINA, IT'S ME BRANDI!


Gina: Oh, Brandi, hi.
Brandi: Hi.
Gina: I - I - I was - just - I was joking - I knew it - knew it was -




Brandi: Guess we won't be seeing her for a few weeks.