Bob&Betty - Episode 10 - Chitty Chitty Bob Bang


Bob: Morning all.
Brandi: Morning dad.
Bob: Brandi - a girl rang you for you yesterday. Said her name was Tess or something? I told her you weren't home from school yet.
Brandi: Oh, she's just my hairdresser - no wait, did I say hairdresser? I meant school friend. She's just a friend from school okay? That's all she is - A FRIEND FROM SCHOOL!
Bob: Calm down.
Betty: Yeah, for a second you almost over reacted.


(Doorbell)
Bob: I'll get it.
Betty: You do that – and if it’s the milkman, don't abuse him again please. He hasn’t gotten over last week’s incident yet.
Juliet: What happened?
Betty: He tripped him over and took his milk truck on a joy ride.
Juliet: Whoa! That explains all the broken glass bottles up the street the other day.
Betty: Nah that was Hannah. Her and her chav friends had a row.
Juliet: Oh. Makes sense.


Man: Hello Mr Newbie, my name is -
Bob: I told you - I'm not paying the electric bill 'cause we don't use it – Betty, stick the kettle on please.
Man: No, this is not why I am here.
Bob: Oh. Are you here to tell me the story of Jesus?
Man: No.
Bob: Can you tell me the story of Jesus?
Man: Sir, I am here because we have it on record that you once ate at our restaurant - Marty's – and somebody from your party took part in a colouring competition we had with some fun sheets, and I can tell you that your party won.
Bob: Oh my God!
Man: Who’s Robbie Newbie?
Bob: That's me! Betty I won!
Man: Sir, you are aware the competition was for kids under the age of 12? Never mind. Sorry for wasting your time, but do stop by soon for some dinner. We've got a new play area for kids.
Bob: Ooh!
Man: And lots of new steaks.
Bob: Ahh!
Man: And a new salad cart.
Bob: Get off my property.


Betty: Who was that?
Bob: Ah, nobody. We're not going to Marty's next weekend, by the way.
Betty: Oh, man.


Bob: I was thinking, perhaps we should buy a car. You have a licence, right?
Betty: What? Why do we need a car?
Bob: We're busy people Betty – we always have places to go.
Betty: But Bob, you don't move and you can't drive.
Bob: But I can learn.
Betty: Do you not understand how much that costs?
Bob: Juliet can lend us some money.
Juliet: Erm, no I can't.
Bob: Why not?
Juliet: My parents are rich, not me.
Bob: Gee, they're not dead yet?
Juliet: No.
Bob: You know if we were to get a car we could ram them down and then you'll have a couple of million to your name!
Betty: Bob!
Juliet: Let the man talk, Betty -


Betty: This is ridiculous. We are not getting a car, and you are most definitely not gonna pay some overpaid snob to teach you how to drive, Bob!

Three hours later:


(Beeping heard from outside)
Betty: What the hell?
Bob: That will be my driving instructor waiting for me in my new car. Wish me luck.
Betty: Why couldn't I have stayed single and committed to my cats, like my sister?
Bob: Because you find me completely irresistible and I am the thing which makes your heart keep beating, Betty Newbie. You just can't resist my charm or my fantastic sense of humour.
Betty: I'll be waiting for you when you get back. So will the divorce papers.
Bob: Rightio, you can keep the kid.


Juliet: Why DO you stay with him?
Betty: (Sighs) Because I find him completely irresistible and he is the thing which makes my heart keep beating, and I cannot resist his fantastic sense of humour.


Bob: You must be my instructor.
Instructor: Indeed. It's lovely to meet you. Would you like to get started straight away?
Bob: Sure.


Bob: So how long is this test gonna take? An hour?
Instructor: Well, a few months -
Bob: What!?
Instructor: You can't just learn to drive in one day, Mr. Newbie.
Bob: No, it's okay, I watch Top Gear all the time.
Instructor: (Sighs) This is gonna be fun.


Instructor: Alright, if you'd like to turn the key and start the engine and then we'll get started.
Bob: Right...
Instructor: Mr. Newbie do you not know where to put the keys?
Bob: In the steering wheel somewhere, right?
Instructor: No, Mr. Newbie.
Bob: Well, this isn't right... what's wrong with this car?


(One hour, twenty five minutes and eighteen seconds later)
Instructor: Alright Mr. Newbie we're finally off. Be careful now there's school children.
Bob: Gee, I know how to steer a car.


Betty: Well, obviously Mr. Jones, we will pay for the surgery on Timmy's arm.
Bob: Again, sorry I knocked him over.
Mr. Jones: Twice.
Bob: Yeah, twice.


Betty: I cannot believe you! Do you not have any idea how much that's gonna cost?
Bob: The kid wasn't watching where he was going.
Betty: Bob you stopped paying attention to turn Westlife off the radio.
Bob: To be honest with you Betty when it comes to the choice of hitting a child or listening to Westlife I'm not sure which I'd feel worse about!
Brandi: The child!
Juliet: Westlife.
(Silence)
Juliet: Well they are pretty bad.

The following day:


Bob: Thanks for becoming my teacher, Betty.
Betty: Well, since your teacher fled the country after yesterday, I didn't really have a choice.
Bob: I think it’s sensible you decided to do the test during the school day.
Betty: I also used the internet café to send out an email to everybody in the area warning them not to leave the house for the next few hours.
Bob: Was that really necessary?
(Silence)
Bob: Alright, good move.
Betty: Let’s just get on with it.


Betty: Bob you're going backwards -


Betty: Bob you're backing up towards the house - put your foot down.


Betty: Bob!


Betty: BOB!


Bob: You're mad at me, aren't you?
Brandi: What on earth was that?

The next day:


Bob: Thanks for being my teacher, Juliet.
Juliet: (Sighs) Just try not to hit anybody or drive through a house today.
Bob: Well, I could always drive us into an electric fence or off a hill (laughs).
Juliet: Pull over.


Bob: Oh Juliet, I was joking!


Bob: Fine, I'll go by myself...


Bob: DAMMIT!

The next day:




Bob: Thanks for being my teacher Tramp-who-lives-on-our-outdoor-sofa. I appreciate it.
Tramp: It's alright. Now, come on, go.
Bob: Alright.


Tramp: Accelerate.
Bob: Okay.
Tramp: Accelerate!
Bob: Alright!
Tramp: ACCELERATE!




Bob: Oops. Better than a kid right?
Tramp: YOU'VE HIT MY KITCHEN!
Bob: Well, don't you have insurance on it?
Tramp: I tried, but the insurance company wouldn't accept that it was "legitimate property".
Bob: Funny that.

The next day:


Betty: I found you a new instructor.
Bob: Oh look, there's Gina.
Betty: Don't even think about it.
Bob: I bet she's used to having people drive up beside her, eh?
Betty: Actually, she's your new instructor.
Bob: What!?
(Car swerves)


Betty: You just hit that lamp post.
Bob: I'm aware.
Betty: Almost hit that old woman.
Bob: Just get Gina in the car.


Gina: Well, let’s get one thing straight, I'm doing this for Betty as a favour. I have five rules you must follow.
Bob: Sheesh.
Gina: Rule number one, I am better than you and you must remember that. Number two, if you wish for me to stay afterwards then you'll have to pay me. Rule number three, you smell. Bad. Rule number four, you do exactly what I tell you to do, and finally rule number five, no farting.
Bob: What!?
Gina: Alright, you can fart, but just don't do that thing where you cup it in your hand and put it in my face.
Bob: Cupcaking?
Gina: Yeah, that. Don't do that.
Bob: But, Betty lets me-
Gina: And that’s why your marriage is wholly wrong. Now, drive.


Bob: Is it wrong that I dunno where I am?
Gina: Oh, I can tell you. Over there is the gas station, over there is the remains of the old ancient castle and on the ground there is a brick I'm gonna smash you with if you don't keep your eyes on the road.
Bob: Is that some sort of sex suggestion?
Gina: No Bob, I'm not attracted to you!
Bob: Really?
Gina: Well, I err... JUST DRIVE!


Bob: Okay, you don't have to yell! When you yell I get gas.
Gina: Oh, shut up.
Bob: I don't think this is gonna work out...
Gina: YOU'RE NOT GIVING IN! DRIVE!
Bob: But it’s a red light.
Gina: Gargh! This is going to be the longest hour of my life!
(Silence, the car waits patiently)
[Farts]
Gina: Oh, for the love of god.


Juliet: I wonder how Gina is getting on with Bob.
Brandi: Yeah, you were brave to leave Gina with him...
Betty: Why?
Juliet: Because she's just about done every man in town... except for Bob...
Betty: Oh please, Gina wouldn't do that to me.
Juliet: She slept with Hannah's husband, didn't she?
Betty: Ah, crap.
Brandi: This is your own doing. Your own mistake.
Betty: If your father was here, he'd say you’re another one of my mistakes, but no, he's too busy asking for Gina to clean out his bully button fluff. Oh, what have I done?


Bob: Oh yeah, oh God. Oh yeah.
Gina: Ah, it's so good.






Betty: Bob - are you there? I've been trying to ring you.
Bob: Oh God, yeah.
Betty: Bob?
Gina: Oh man, this is amazing.
Bob: Oh god.
Betty: Son of a -

A few days later:


Bob: Betty, I passed!
Betty: Great, yeah. Awesome.
Bob: Aren't you gonna hug me?
Betty: After what you two have been up to?! No! The other day you must have lent on your mobile and you called me! And all I could hear was you two groaning and moaning with pleasure.
Gina: Uh oh.
Betty: Yeah, uh oh! You've been caught. How could you do this to me?! Gina, I expected it from you because, let’s face it, you’re a get around. But Bob - how could you!?
Gina: We've been found out, Bob. We'll just have to show her.
Betty: Show me what!?


Betty: Alright, I forgive you.