Bob&Betty - Episode 12 - The King Is Dead

Bob: Morning all.
Juliet: Morning Bob.
Brandi: Morning dad.
Betty: Mhm.
Bob: Is there any breakfast Betty?
Betty: No.
Juliet: Gee Betty, what's up with you?
Bob: She's mad at me, you see, after something I did last night.
Juliet: Do I really want to know this?
Bob: I might have called out somebody else’s name in bed.

Juliet: (Gasps).
Brandi: Dad!
Bob: It was a mistake!
Brandi: Who did you call out? Jennifer Aniston? Jessica Alba? Oh God, was it Penelope Cruz?
Juliet: Subtle, Brandi, subtle.
Brandi: Well, whose name did you call out?
Bob: Juliet's.

Juliet: You can't be fu-
[Kettle whistles]


Bob: Oh look, a Stephen King movie marathon is on.
Betty: Oh, very nice.
Bob: It's such a shame he died.
Betty: He's not dead, Bob.
Bob: Yes he is - he passed away in 2006. Few days before Christmas, remember?
Betty: No Bob, he didn't. He's still alive; he released a new book last year!
Bob: That's impossible, Betty, because the man is dead.
Betty: He is not dead!
Brandi: I always thought he died.
Juliet: Yeah, me too. Didn't they have a memorial service on TV for him where they all stood in a group and sang heal the world?
Brandi: Yeah, Brooke Shields and Usher were there.
Betty: That was Michael Jackson's memorial service!
Bob: No, no. I'm pretty sure it was Stephen King's.
Betty: HE - IS - ALIVE.
Bob: Betty, I know it's hard. We all loved him, but there's no use being in denial.

Betty: I'm going to get some air.

Bob: Must be hard for her, he's greatly missed.
Juliet: That he is. That he is.

Stewart: So you believe Stephen Hawking is alive, eh? Well you needn’t worry – I agree with you.
Betty: No - we were talking about Stephen King.
Stewart: Oh right, I see. Yeah, he's dead.

Bob: Juliet, I was just wondering what's it like being black?
Juliet: I dunno. What's it like being fat?
Bob: It's okay.
Juliet: Good.

Betty: Guys, there is a Stephen King convention; he's going to be a guest I think.
Bob: Most Haunted Live?
Betty: No, Bob. It's a convention where they'll talk about his work and life.
Bob: I'm not really in the mood to go to a memorial, Betty.
Betty: We're going; it's first thing tomorrow morning.

The following morning:

Betty: We ready to go, guys? Oh, come on!

Juliet: What?
Bob: We want to look right.
Betty: Let’s just go, shall we?

Betty: Easy driving now Bob, we don't want to hit anybody else again.
Bob: You mean like that kid on the scooter?
Betty: Yes, like the kid on the scooter.
Bob: And the dog?
Betty: And the dog.
Bob: And the little old man in the wheelchair?
Betty: And the little old man in the wheelchair.
Juliet: How has he not had his licence taken off him?
Bob: I tend to drive off.
Juliet: Oh, great.

Juliet: Oh, would you look at that? I completely forgot - I have classes today. Well, I guess you're just gonna have to drop me off.
Bob: You did this for a lift, didn't you?
Juliet: Yes.
Bob: Ahaha! You really have become part of the family, sweetheart.
Brandi: Well, if Juliet can get dropped off can you run me to school quickly?
Bob: Oh, you're a pain in the arse, Brandi.


Bob: Here we are. See? Everybody else is wearing black.
Betty: It's just a coincidence.
Bob: Can you get me out a packet of those tissues you carry around with you?
Betty: I haven't got them! You used them all the other day.
Bob: I haven't had a cold in months!
Betty: No, the other thing, Bob.
Bob: Betty! Now is not the time to talk about masturbation, we're at a memorial service!

Damon: Ladies and gentleman I'm Vicar Damon Evile.
Bob: Betty, seriously. First you’re talking about self-pleasuring, now this. Perhaps you should leave.
Betty: Shut up, Bob!

Damon: Anyway, as I was saying. We are all here today to look at the work and life of the fantastic author Mr. Stephen King.
(Crowd cheers)
Damon: We'll be reading extracts from his greatest work - including the Shining.
(Crowd cheers)
Damon: Carrie.
(Crowd cheers)
Damon: And the Dark Tower II: The Drawing of Three.
(Crowd gasps)
Damon: Kidding!
(Crowd laughs)

Betty: This is going to drive me crazy. I wonder what Juliet's up to...

Jasmine: Have you ever watched Space Jam? You know the film with Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny?
Juliet: God, I had such a crush on him.
Jasmine: Me too.
Juliet: Seriously?
Jasmine: Yeah. Whenever I saw him with Lola Bunny I got so jealous.
Juliet: I was talking about Michael Jordan, Jasmine.
Jasmine: Oh - yeah, me too.

Juliet: Will you excuse me a minute?
Jasmine: We're still best friends right?
Juliet: To be honest you're on probation.

Juliet: Brandi, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school?
Brandi: (Sighs) Fine, you caught me.
Juliet: What the hell are you doing?
Brandi: I was just following you, really, seeing if you were alright. I know moving to a new college can be daunting.
Juliet: I've been here for almost a year, Brandi. Do you stalk me a lot?
Brandi: No, of course not. What kind of creep do you think I am?

Chuck: Brandi! Brandi! I've got bad news; the camera we've got set up in the courtyard is down. If Juliet's there we won't have a clue!
Brandi: Err - Chuck, I...
Chuck: Come on, we gotta go fix it. Precious stalking time is at stake!
Juliet: What the -?

Chuck: Oh my gosh - it's her.
Brandi: Chuck, this is Juliet, Juliet, this is Chuck.
Chuck: It's an honor to finally meet you. I mean, we've spoken before.
Juliet: We have?
Chuck: Yes, I was the guy in the ice cream van when you brought an ice pole last August, the man serving you in the corner shop when you brought that cheese and pickle sandwich a few weeks back.
Brandi: Strange you did that Juliet, you normally go for tuna.
Chuck: Aye, that was a change.
Juliet: Well there's only so much tuna you can have before you - wait... I... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Bob: Despite the fact the Vicar's a prat; he sure did say some lovely words.
Betty: Bob this is ridiculous! All of this is stupid! Stephen King is alive!
Bob: Betty now isn't the time - you'll upset people. His brother is over there for goodness sake!
Betty: His brother thinks he's dead?!
Bob: Well yeah, he carries around his glasses everywhere he goes.
Betty: Wait - how do you know that?
Bob: Well I erm... we're... (Mumbles).
Betty: What was that?
Bob: We're pen pals! OKAY?
Betty: Pen pals? You write to Stephen King's brother?
Bob: Well, at least he cares about my feelings!
(Bob storms off)

Blind man: Kids huh?
Betty: That was my husband.
Blind man: Oh, right - oh. Awkward.
Betty: Just a tad.

Damon: Now a message from Stephen King's beloved wife Tabitha. It says, thank you for very much for coming here today to celebrate the life of my fantastic, talented and kind late husband.
Betty: OH, COME ON!
Damon: Can somebody please get that fat man and his wife out of here!

Chuck: Welcome Juliet, to our headquarters.
Juliet: You mean -
Chuck: This is where we track your movement, yes. Say hello to Juliet, everybody!
All: Hi Juliet!

Juliet: This is crazy - this is insane!
Brandi: Relax Juliet - I managed to convince them to cut the feed of our bathroom.
Juliet: WHAT!? There's a camera in the bathroom?
Brandi: Was. I convinced them to take it offline.
Juliet: Oh, how thoughtful of you.
Brandi: Can't take all the credit, Dad showering seemed to make sure of it.
Chuck: Yeah, but I liked seeing that.
Juliet: What!?
Chuck: I mean - err. Ah, screw it - I think Bob Newbie's freaking hot.

Bob: I am so embarrassed – that was a disgraceful display there, Betty, at a dead man’s memorial!
Betty: Shut up.
Bob: He was looking down from Authors’ Heaven with Roald Dahl and J.K Rowling and he sees you screaming your mouth off.
Betty: J.K Rowling is not - you know what? Never mind, alright?
Bob: It hurts us all he's gone, but we just have to accept it.

Bob: Where are you going?
Bob: Fine. I'm gonna go Gay Jay's anyway!

Bob: Honestly if she had behaved like that when me and my friends got together to look back on the great late Trevor McDonald's life she would have got a smack.

Brandi: I - I can't believe what you did in there. Juliet - you beat them all up and trashed the entire room!
Juliet: Being stalked by you I can handle - but by twenty other nerds? That's crossing the line...
Brandi: I guess my efforts to watch your every move must once again go solo.
Juliet: Once again go solo? You mean you've done this before?
Brandi: Yeah, I teamed up with a fat lesbian from school to help stalk you but she became so obsessed that she was going to ask you out.
Juliet: What did you did you do?
Brandi: Oh, I dunno if I want to get into it too much really.
Juliet: Oh?
Brandi: Well, let’s just say - we had words and I shot her.
Juliet: Seriously?
Brandi: Well with a water gun - oh don't look at me like that Juliet at least someone got that bitch wet.

Bob: Hey Gay Jay, one pint please.
Gay Jay: I told you, we don't do pints. We do bacardi and coke and cocktails.
Bob: Alright, give me a bacardi and coke then.
Gay Jay: Coming right up.

Military Guy: Hey Bob.
Bob: Hey Military Guy.
Military Guy: Just call me by my first name, it's -
(Gay Jay coughs)
Military Guy: You know what, never mind. Doesn’t matter.
Gay Jay: There's a bug going round, eh?
Bob: Oh aye.

Gay Jay: Did any of you see that Judy Garland special on Bio last night?
Vicrum: No.
Gay Jay: How comes?
Vicrum: We're not gay.
Gay Jay: Who's that guy over there?
Vicrum: I dunno. He was here before us.
Gay Jay: I didn't see him come in.
Military Guy: It's quite worrying that a customer walks into your bar and you don't notice.
Gay Jay: I was watching the Sex and the City movie on my laptop.
Vicrum: Is your laptop pink?
Gay Jay: Yeah, why?
Vicrum: Just wondering.

Bob: He looks down, should we go talk to him?
Gay Jay: Oh no I don't talk to depressed men, not since I became addicted to bedding depressed divorced guys.
Military Guy: You did that?
Gay Jay: Did? Still do honey, you and your wife still together?
Military Guy: Yes.
Gay Jay: Yeah, keep it that way.
Bob: I'm going over there.

Bob: Hey bud, what seems to be the matter?
Man: Oh nothing much, just a bit down.
Bob: What's your name?
Stephen King: Stephen.
Bob: I'm Bob.
Stephen King: Let me ask you something Bob - do you know what it's like to have your entire family, your friends - people who adore you - all treat you as if you are dead.
Bob: No, but my daughter can. Would you like me to call her?
Stephen King: No - it's just. I'm Stephen King, one of the world’s most well known and loved authors and -

Bob: Wait, what did you just say?
Stephen King: I'm Stephen King.
Bob: That's not funny, that man is dead. Why would you say you're him?
Stephen King: But this is what I'm talking about - I am Stephen King!
Bob: That's not funny!
Stephen King: But, you don't understand - I am!

Bob: Hey Gay Jay, chuck this guy out will you!
Gay Jay: Why?
Bob: Because he thinks he's Stephen King!
Stephen King: I am Stephen King!
Vicrum: What a sick thing to say - the man is dead.
Gay Jay: People like you are immoral! Get out of my bar! Go on! Sling your hook!

Bob: Can't believe that guy. Actually - that's quite a coincidence.
Gay Jay: What is?
Bob: I thought about The A-Team earlier and now it's on TV.
Gay Jay: Wow, freaky.
Vicrum: I don't understand how anybody could pretend there someone dead.
Gay Jay: It's sick!
Military Guy: Makes my stomach turn.

Elvis Impersonator: Hey, could I get a drink?
Bob: Oh my god! It's Elvis Presley!
Gay Jay: (Screams).

Later that night:

Bob: So, did everybody have a good day?
Juliet: Yeah, I beat up a few people and smashed up some computers.
Bob: That's a normal Wednesday for me! Well, for me, today was a good day. I got to pay my respects to a deceased man I admired.
Betty: Right - I can't handle this anymore. I'm going to bed.

Bob: Honey! Okay fine, we won't talk about Stephen King anymore, come sit back down.
Betty: Alright, fine. Thank you.
Bob: Fancy watching a film tonight?
Betty: Sure.
Bob: The Shining or Carrie?

Betty: Oh, up yours!