Bob&Betty - Episode 13 - Deep Space Bob


Betty: I can't believe Bob's going to be on a game show! This is so exciting!
Hannah: Meh, I've been on the TV before it's nothing exciting.
Gina: Being on the local news one time because you assaulted a postman does not count.
Hannah: I'm sure none of your Crime Watch appearances count either then!
Betty: You both really are just the nicest of people.
Stewart: Quiet guys it's starting!


Host: And we're back! Hello and welcome to Channel Five's quiz night. Let's get straight to it tonight and meet our team for this evening!


Bob: Hello I'm Bob Newbie. I'm 40 years old and I'm currently unemployed yet searching for work.
Gay Jay: I'm Jay, I'm 31 and I'm a club owner!
Vicrum: I'm Vicrum; I'm 43 and a window shopper.
Military Guy: And I'm - (silence).


Gina: Betty, what's happened?
Betty: Must be our ariel.
Hannah: Sort it out woman - we can't hear anything!
Military Guy: - I'm 57 and I'm a retired Army officer.
Betty: Never mind. It's back.


Host: Okay! So now we've met our team, it's time for our first round! Bob to get things rolling please describe what comes up on the screen to your teammate Jay! Okay - go!
(Name comes up: Barrack Obama)
Bob: Err - well he's a err... oh! He's an entrepreneur! Very famous!
Gay Jay: Oh! Bill Gates? Alan Sugar? Richard Branson?
Bob: Oh that's not it - he's a famous black American actor!
Gay Jay: Will Smith? Samuel L. Jackson? Billy Dee Williams?
Bob: Oh - err - err.
Host: Times up! It was Barrack Obama we were looking for Gay Jay, the President of the United States.
Bob: How the hell did you not get that!?
Gay Jay: Oh, I wonder...

Soon:


Host: Well this is without a doubt the worst score any team has ever got.
Bob: We're doing great!
Host: Mr. Newbie, none of you have got a question right?
Bob: Well maybe you shouldn't ask so difficult questions pal!
Host: We've already lowered the difficulty of the questions to pre-school standard! We asked you what sodding noise a cow made! You said 'Baa'.
Bob: I get confused between sheep and horses -
Gay Jay: Cows!
Bob: - cows! And I will not have you make fun of that fact!
Host: Well step it up for goodness sake!


Bob: You know what this is right here? This is completely unfair - that stuck up host is trying to make us look bad just because we're all working class guys from normal backgrounds. I feel as if we've given it our best shot here today and if that's not enough then I'm sorry but at least we can walk out of here with our heads held high and with our dignity intact! I think I've made my point to all of you at home.
Host: And we're back from commercial!
Bob: Dammit!


(Crash)
Betty: Oh my god!
Stewart: That light just fell on top of Bob's head!
Gina: Oh no - is he alright!?
Hannah: There's a hair in my coffee...


Host: Uh oh!
Vicrum: What have you done? Bob can you hear me. Bob?
Little did Vicrum know. I couldn't hear him. I was far away, busy controlling my space ship in a galaxy far far away.


Commander Bob: I was sleeping! Why the hell did you wake me up!?


Brandi: I'm sorry master but the new recruits have arrived.
Commander Bob: And why is it my responsibility to greet them?
Brandi: Because you're the Captain of the Ship?
Commander Bob: What are you trying to be smart?
Brandi: I only have 101 GB of memory! I can't even remember why I came in here now!
Commander Bob: Why on earth would you need any more than that?
Brandi: Maybe you shouldn't keep ITV Daytime programs in my folders after you watch them.
Commander Bob: Shut up okay!? I love them shows! I love the Loose Women!

Soon:


Commander Bob: (Sighs) I had best get this over with - Hannah what's our status?


Hannah: Everything’s smooth and dandy Commander Bob.
Brandi: Except there are half a dozen comets flying this way, our force fields are down and our engines are pretty much the crappest in the fleet.
Hannah: Well yeah - but we've got great food in the canteen today.
Bob: Meat lover’s pizza?
Hannah: Indeed.
Bob:
Ah! Great! Love this ship! Best there is!


Bob: Are these the recruits?
Brandi: Yes master.
Bob: Excellent. Excellent. Welcome one and all to my ship! I hope you have a great time whilst you help me sail the seven seas -
Brandi: Stars.
Bob: Stars! And we'll all get along greatly and most importantly learn along the way! What's your name dear girl?
Juliet: Juliet Henderson.
Bob: Excellent, excellent.
Juliet: Have we - have we met before?
Bob: Don't be so ridiculous, of course not.
Juliet: Ah, might of just have been a dream or something.
Bob: Perhaps. A lot of women do often dream of me.
Brandi: HAH!


Bob: SHUT UP YOU! Go and charge yourself up or something.
Brandi: But I have 65% of battery power left? Is it really needed?
Bob: Yes I desire to play Zoo Tycoon later so I need you fully charged!
Brandi: (Sighs).


Bob: WOW! And who are you!?
Betty: Betty Newbie Sir.
Bob: Hello there! Let me ask you something Betty - have you ever hooked up with a Commander of his own ship before?
Betty: Once or twice.
Bob: Oh. Well have you ever slept with a bald Commander before?
Betty: No.
Bob: Ah! You'll enjoy your time here.


Bob: And who might you be?
Gina: Gina Gerraround Sir and may I say what a pleasure it is to -
Bob: Yeah, okay, don't go on. Hannah why don't you show these guys to where they'll be staying?


Bob: (Whispers) And give that Betty girl a room next to mine!
Hannah: How? You've demanded your own floor.
Bob: Oh - well give her the floor above mine.
Hannah: That's the engine room!
Bob: That's alright - like my women dirty.
Hannah: You're sick.
Bob: Oh wait - those engines are hot.
Hannah: Yeah she could get burnt or -
Bob: She'll sweat, I like them dirty but fresh smelling.
Hannah: Can I go? Because I'm this close to resigning.
Bob: Heh, you could try. Check out your contract when you've got the time.


Bob: Didn't I tell you to charge yourself up?
Brandi: I've got bad news.
Bob: Oh my god, Zoo Tycoon isn't working?
Brandi: No - I've found rust in me! I'm breaking down!
Bob: Oh, well get Zoo Tycoon up and running I might be able to play for a few hours before you pack in. Actually - wait.
Brandi: Ah, good, you've noticed that you actually care about me and -
Bob: Start up Rollercoaster Tycoon; wanna carry on with my park.

Later that night:


Brandi: Hey Gay Jay.
Gay Jay: Hey Brandi, you look so down love. Want your usual?
Brandi: Please.
Gay Jay: Alright, McAfee Virus Scan coming right up.
Brandi: Go easy on it though please, don't wanna get too smashed.


Commander Bob: Hello there ladies.
Betty: Hiya.
Gina: Hello Comman-
Commander Bob: Hey Gina, why don't you give Betty and me some private time?
Gina: Commander if I don't get this force field fixed then -
Commander Bob: Ah, take some time off kid. You deserve it.
Gina: But if I -
Commander Bob: Seriously, go.


Betty: Commander Bob, Gina's the only person who can -
Commander Bob: Why talk Betty? Why engage with small talk? Why don't we just be open and honest about our feelings for one another?
Betty: I met you three hours ago.
Commander Bob: And in those three hours Betty I have only thought of two things. One - you. And two - why won't anybody ride my rocket coaster on Rollercoaster Tycoon? Took me an hour and a half to sodding make that thing and nobody will go on it!
Betty: Rollercoaster Tycoon?
Commander Bob: Oh it's complicated software, stuff you wouldn't be able to understand pebbles.
Betty: I'm a space ship computer expert, I graduated a year before anybody else and I was first choice to be controlling manager on this ship.
Commander Bob: Oh, then you would know what I'm talking about.


Gay Jay: So what seems to be bothering you?
Brandi: Well, let me tell you whilst I'm in a sober mind.
Gay Jay: I thought you were only having one scan?
Brandi: Oh don't judge me! I'm only robot!
Gay Jay: Sorry, go on.
Brandi: Commander Bob invented me, with his own hands! Yet he treated me as if I'm nothing but a piece of trash.
Gay Jay: Oh I'm so sorry, I know what it's like I remember one time my father -
Brandi: I mean what have I done that's so wrong? I'm a great robot servant, I do as I ask.
Gay Jay: Oh okay, you're story was more important, that's fine.
Brandi: I mean maybe if I was a human or something - maybe if I was his daughter he'd perhaps be nicer to me?
Gay Jay: Well I don't know for sure but I think things would be the same.


Brandi: And you know what makes this all so much worse?
Gay Jay: You have an Sexually Transmitted Virus!? I told you to stay away from that C3PO Brandi! He's nothing but a slut!
Brandi: I wish I had that! I've got this annoying thing that won't go away!
Gay Jay: Let me take a look.
Brandi: What!?
Gay Jay: Oh come on it's me and you and this bars a ghost town let me look.


Gay Jay:
(Gasps) Oh, I see what you mean.
Brandi: It just won't go away!


Commander Bob: Hey Hannah. Hannah? Hello? Hannah?


Hannah: Hey Commander, what's up?
Commander Bob: I was just wondering if - wait a second... something's different with you.
Hannah: Really? What like?
Commander Bob: Have you had a haircut?
Hannah: Yes! Thank you for noticing!
Commander Bob: Do you have any plans later?
Hannah: Yes - I'm going to watch The Only Way Is Essex and have a coffee.
Commander Bob: So that god-awful show exists even in the best of dreams.
Hannah: Huh?
Commander Bob: What?


Commander Bob: Well, are you doing anything?
Hannah: Why are you asking me on a date? Oh Commander Bob I'd be delighted.
Commander Bob: (Smiles) Oh Hannah...


Betty: It was awfully nice of Hannah to lend us her private jet for the night.
Commander Bob: Indeed.


Commander Bob: Would you like to come into the bedroom?
Betty: Why?
Commander Bob: There's erm, something I'd like you to see.
Betty: Ooh! Is the view of Pluto good from there or something?
Commander Bob: Oh - well I'm not sure about Pluto but I'm pretty sure they'll be a good view of Uranus.
Betty: Wait - are you hitting on me?


Commander Bob: Would it matter if I did?
Betty: But you’re my boss - it's wrong!
Commander Bob: Oh Betty, who cares about the rules?
Betty: I do.
Commander Bob: Come on Betty, enough playing around! Lets go to the bedroom!
Betty: Commander Bob - no! This is wrong!
Commander Bob: I'm not Commander Bob.
Betty: Then who are you?


Gina: It's me!
Betty: Gina - what the hell are you doing here!?
Gina: I'm a shape shifter Betty, didn't I mention?
Betty: No! Why are you trying to get me into bed?
Gina: Oh please I saw the way you were looking at me as we were flying to the main ship.
Betty: No - I was staring at Jon Bon Jovi, he was on the TV behind you!
Gina: Oh, you like Jon Bon Jovi?
Betty: Well... yeah.
Gina: (Sighs).
Betty: I'm sorry Gina.
Gina: I could turn into Jon Bon Jovi?
(Silence)
Betty: Still - no.


Hannah: Hey sailor, how'd your date go?
Commander Bob: What date?
Hannah: I saw you leave twenty minutes ago with that Betty girl in my ship.
Commander Bob: What!? No I didn't!
Hannah: How could you forget?
Bob: I was watching... (mumbles).
Hannah: What's that now?
Bob: I was watching (mumbles)- Jones...
Hannah: Sorry?
Bob: I was watching Bridget Jones Diary okay!?
Hannah: Right, well... I'm going to get my ship to come back to dock and then we're going to have a chat about your potential vagina.


Brandi: MASTER BOB! MASTER BOB!
Commander Bob: Oh, it's you, haven't you broke down yet?
Brandi: No! It turns out I just had a minor MSN virus! McAfee completely wiped it!
Commander Bob: Does this mean I have to pay for the McAfee subscription?
Brandi: Yeah - but it's only £3.99 a month.
Commander Bob: Oh, well that's quite a hassle.
Brandi: You run this ship! You're made of money!
Commander Bob: But I'm saving up for a giant turtle...
Brandi: Oh you are such an arse.


Hannah: Oh crap!
Commander Bob: What's wrong Spock?
Hannah: For the twelfth time I'm not pretending to be Star Trek characters every time something exciting happens.
Commander Bob: (Sighs) My crew sucks.
Hannah: OH GOD! Our force field is down and a huge storm of comets is coming this way!
Brandi: Where's that Gina girl? She was meant to be fixing it earlier.
Commander Bob: Oh - oh crap.
Hannah: You stopped her so you could chat to Betty alone didn't you?
Commander Bob: Oh, Spock how you always accuse.


Hannah: Well you did didn't you?
Commander Bob: On a scale of one to ten how annoyed would you be if I did?
Hannah: YOU IDIOT!
Commander Bob: I'm not sure I like that tone.
Brandi: You've killed us all!
Commander Bob: You were dying anyway!
Brandi: No I wasn't!
Commander Bob: Oh this is the worst bloody day ever! I don't get to date the girl, my computer won't hurry up and die and I'm not allowed to play Star Trek!


Brandi: I don't know why - but - there's something I have to do - I need to do it - before I die!


Brandi: Hey!
Juliet: Who are you?




Juliet: Get the hell off me!
Brandi: Eurgh, what the hell was that?
Juliet: Sorry?
Brandi: RTD2 gave me a better kiss than that and he don't have lips! I'll tell you one thing its lucky I didn’t fancy you cause that would of put me right off you forever!
Juliet: Okay...
Brandi: I mean forever! Never would I find you attractive again!


Gina: Hey everyone we're back!
Commander Bob: You stole my date you idiot!
Gina: Oh shut up you fat loser; you didn't care enough to remember it.
Commander Bob: Yeah, whatever Odo.


Commander Bob: Betty, we're going to die and there's something I have to do from the minute I saw you I knew that you were the only women I'd ever be intrested in, you're stunning and beautiful and your eyes don't just show me what I could have, it shows me the world I could have. Oh Betty, I don't want to stay on this ship if you won't give us a go. You're so beautiful and pure and I couldn't think of the perfect person to last see as I die. Do you feel the same?
Hannah: Fixed the force field.
Commander Bob: OH COME ON!


Betty: Bob, that Gina girl tried to bed me!
Gina: What!?
Betty: She's dangerous!
Commander Bob: Say no more! It's one of the biggest laws to break on this ship, pretending to be the captain, she's being exiled.
Gina: What!?
Bob: Hannah - get the transporter online.
Hannah: Sure thing boss.


Gina: What!? Where am I?


Gina: Hello boys, you up for some alien fun?


Commander Bob: Well we're all alive and we're set for a four-day journey to the next black hole. I have to say today’s turned out quite well after all.
Hannah: Yeah apart from the fact Betty basically got sexually assaulted and the fact a storm of rocks almost killed us!
Commander Bob: Meh, that's just an average Tuesday.


Bob: Juliet, as High Commander I order you to tell me what noise a cow makes!
Juliet: Moo.
Bob: Moo it is!


Bob: Cows go Moo!
Host: Alright, we'll give you a point - if you agree not to sue us...

A few days later:


Betty: We could of claimed so much for what happened to you Bob.
Bob: Yes but our team earning that point was more important.
Juliet: You're the lowest scoring team to date!
Bob: It matters not young Juliet, it matters not. You know I had a strange dream whilst I was out, I can't remember much except for Brandi planted a kiss on Juliet.
Brandi: Really!?
Juliet: Doesn't count.
Brandi: Dammit!
Bob: What's for dinner?
Betty: I'll have to make soup again, we're running low on cash - although we wouldn't be if somebody sued that bloody game show!
Bob: Then why don't you try and make an input into family income by getting a job?
Betty: I hate you so much right now.