Bob&Betty - Episode 14 - The Ghost of No. 13 Skankwood Close

Juliet: Finally, a night where everybody’s out of the house. Thank God Brandi got invited to that party and Bob and Betty have that funeral to go to. Wait, that was a little bit insensitive of me. Ah screw it; it got them out the house. I can finally get some alone time! Ah, this really is just heaven.

Brandi: Hey Juliet, my friend’s party got cancelled!
Juliet: Son of a bitch!

Brandi: Aren't you happy to see me?
Juliet: Of course, hey Brand.
Brandi: I was thinking why don't we have a movie night or something?
Juliet: Sure, we can paint each other’s toenails and practice kissing.
Brandi: You're sick.
Juliet: I was being sarcastic.
Brandi: What is wrong with you?
Juliet: What the hell? You've been stalking me sexually for over a year including watching me sleep and creating a fan club where you and your creepy friends watch my every move, yet when I make a joke I'm somewhat disgusting?
Brandi: Pretty much.
Juliet: You're the biggest arse on the planet.
Brandi: Bob Newbie's my father, what were you expecting?
Juliet: Well I suppose a girls night in with you could be fun.
Brandi: Exactly.

Bob: Hey guys! We're home!
Juliet: What? I thought you were away for the entire weekend?
Bob: We were but I couldn't handle facing my uncle’s funeral, was too emotional.
Juliet: Aww, Bob. I'm sorry. How did it happen?
Bob: He was instantly killed by two bumper cars.
Juliet: What? Bumper cars!? That's insane! I hope the funfair that owned the ride is being sued!
Bob: I said that too but apparently when you un-strap yourself, jump out and run around it doesn't really count.
Brandi: Ah Uncle Tony, he was so much fun.
Betty: Yeah, remember when he un-trapped himself on Colossus?
Bob: Good times...

Juliet: Colossus!? The huge roller coaster!?
Bob: Yeah, those poor kids were never the same again.
Juliet: Oh my god, did they see him fall?
Bob: Don't worry - they didn't see a thing.
Juliet: Ah good.
Bob: They were pretty much knocked out when he landed on them, so nah I don't imagine they saw much at all.

Betty: Oh no.
Bob: What's up now?
Betty: Something awful has happened!
Bob: Has Freeview stopped working?
Betty: No.
Bob: Has the TV broken?
Betty: No.
Bob: Then I don't care. I'm gonna watch House.

Betty: The old guy who used to own this house has died.
Juliet: Oh no.
Brandi: That's so sad.
Bob: Aww, it's a shame. Can we watch House now?
Juliet: How old was he?
Betty: He was really old but he lived her for many years.
Brandi: That's a shame, how did it happen?
Bob: I'm missing House...
Betty: Heart attack I think.
Brandi: Oh goodness.
Juliet: Things like this are so sudden...

Betty: You are unbelievable sometimes, Bob Newbie!
Bob: Betty -
Betty: How can you go through life being so self-absorbed?
Bob: Betty...
Betty: I'm serious Bob! I've had it up to here with your attitude!
Bob: Betty!
Betty: You really have to get a grip on reality!
Betty: What!? Go on then! Apologise!
Bob: Could you be quiet please I'm trying to watch House?
Betty: You are unbelievable! (Storms out)

Juliet: (Sighs).
Bob: I said please!
Juliet: Let’s go see if she's okay.
Brandi: Yeah.
Bob: Ah, good old House.

Bob: Silence at last.
(TV goes off)
Bob: What the-?
(Bob turns TV on)
Bob: Ah, that's better.
(TV goes off)
Bob: What the hell?
(Bob turns TV on)
Bob: That's better.
(TV goes off)
Bob: FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Oh gosh - why's it got so cold?

Betty: Bob love, I don't like it when we argue - Bob why are you shivering?
Bob: It went freezing.
Betty: That's impossible, we have the heating on and all the windows are closed.
Bob: The TV kept going off.
Betty: Well it's on now.
Bob: Trust me Betty – that TV went off. It'll do it again. Watch...
Betty: Err Bob -
Bob: Hold on, it will do it.
Betty: Bob, nothing’s happening...
Bob: Oh, come on!

TV Announcer: Ghost Hunters series four kicks off tonight at 10pm!
Bob: Oh God.
Juliet: What?
Bob: We're being haunted! The guy who died is haunting us!
Juliet: So basically, your evidence we're being haunted is a crappy old TV which turns itself off and a draft in the middle of winter?
Bob: Yes!
Juliet: Very convincing, none of the things you have said can be explained.
Bob: I know!
Juliet: Oh, I miss people who understand sarcasm.
Bob: And I miss people who shut up when I'm watching House.

Later that night:

Bob: I call on all the spirits here present…
Brandi: Hmm?

Brandi: Dad?
Bob: Ah! Oh jeez Brandi, you scared the crap out of me.
Brandi: It’s two in the morning, what are you doing?
Bob: Trying to get that old man to leave me alone. He’s got it in for me Brand, I know it!
Brandi: Well you and your brothers did kick him out in the freezing cold after you won this house in a snooker game.
Bob: I know, but don’t worry yourself Brandi. I’ve called for aid.
Brandi: From who?

Yvette: Hello. I’m Yvette Fielding and welcome to Most Haunted!

Brandi: Oh my God…
Yvette: You must be Bob; it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Bob: Yes. Thank you so much for coming at such short notice.
Yvette: You’re welcome. Spirits can ruin people’s lives. I’m here to put a stop to it. Thank you for trusting me and my crew enough to let us handle this situation.
Bob: Your crew? It’s just you here?
Yvette: Oh, yes, they got rid of me because they could no longer cope with my hygiene.
Brandi: Your hygiene?

Yvette: Yes son, I haven’t washed my vagina since the glorious summer of 1936.
Bob: Ah. Well Yvette I think we’re all tired here so why don’t we try to get rid of the spirits tomorrow?
Yvette: Excellent Bob, I look forward to it.

The following morning:

Betty: Oh Bob, stop touching my bum! You get so randy in the –

Yvette: Morning.


Bob: What is it my love?
Betty: Who the hell is this?
Bob: This is Yvette Fielding; she’s here to help me get rid of the old guy who’s haunting us.
Betty: For goodness sake Bob! Nobody is haunting us!
Bob: That’s not true! Last night I heard thuds.
Yvette: Me too! In fact I hear it now. Shush – let’s listen.
Betty: I can’t hear anything.
Yvette: Oh, I definitely do!
Bob: Me too!
Yvette: Okay, it wants us to communicate – did you die here? Knock twice for yes, once for no.
Bob: That was two.
Yvette: Yes, the old soul died here.

Betty: Out for crying out, I’m taking the girls out. She had best be gone by the time I get back Bob! You’ve done some stupid things before – but this is by far the worst!
Yvette: Dear God Bob, she’s been possessed.
Betty: And if you touch my bottom again I’ll be hiring Ghost Busters to get you out of this house, know what I mean?

Later that day:

Juliet: Out of all of Bob’s shenanigans the one he pulled earlier was by far the worst.
Betty: Couldn’t agree more Juliet.
Brandi: All this stuff will be over won’t it mum?
Betty: Absolutely Brandi, he’ll be onto his next silly adventure.
Juliet: How can you be so sure?
Betty: Trust me Juliet, if there’s one thing I know most about my Bob it’s that he knows when enough is enough.

Betty: Oh my god.
Juliet: Are you sure about that Betty?
Yvette: Welcome team, I was expecting your arrival. I’ve set up four web cams all around the house; you can watch them live online if you want.
Brandi: (To Juliet) And to think I had a crush on this crazy bitch.
Juliet: (Laughs) Bet you don’t now.
Juliet: Oh my God, you still do don’t you?
Brandi: Even more so.

The following day:

Bob: Morning love.
Betty: Yeah, whatever.
Bob: Please don't be mad at me, if you must know I've grown tired of her too. She's gone too far.
Betty: Oh so what has finally managed to make you realise that she's borderline insane and worst than any ghost that could be haunting us?
Bob: Oh, nothing major.

Yvette: Honey, I was wondering if you'd like me to cook you shepherd’s pie tonight. Bob, who's this woman?
Betty: Oh my god - are you wearing a wedding dress?
Yvette: This is my grandmothers; she gave it to me for my special day.
Betty: Your special day?
Yvette: Yes - me and Bob are getting married tomorrow.
Bob: Don't be so damn ridiculous!
Betty: Finally! He's seen sense!
Bob: Fringe is on tomorrow!

Betty: Listen, you crazy obsessive loser! Get the hell out of my house and get the hell out of my life! No wonder your crew ditched you.
Stewart: (From afar) I know. I can smell her lady garden from here!
Betty: I'm not on about that Stewart!
Yvette: If you must know, my crew didn't leave me. They died on me.
Bob: What do you mean they died on you?

Betty: (Gasps)
Juliet: What's going on?
Bob: Juliet, get out of here! She's a killer!

Juliet: Guys - I just saw something in my room! I'm being serious!
Betty: You what?
Yvette: Crap, seriously?
Juliet: Yeah.
Yvette: You mean there's something paranormal here?
Juliet: Yes!
Yvette: In this house?
Juliet: Yes!

Betty: Wow, she scares easy.
Juliet: Well, thank God her livelihood doesn't depend on that.

Juliet: Oh my God! There it is!
Betty: OH MY GOD!

Grim Reaper: Sorry guys, didn't mean to scare the crap out of you.
Betty: It's the grim reaper!
Bob: I'm so young and beautiful! Take Juliet!
Grim Reaper: I'm looking for a Mr. Joseph Crocker. You seen him? According to my list this was his last known address.
Bob: You're looking for the old guy who used to live here?
Betty: He hasn't lived here since the eighties.
Juliet: I love how we're just casually having a chat with the Grim Reaper.
Bob: Juliet, please, don't be rude.

Grim Reaper: Really? He hasn't lived here since the eighties? Oh darn. I suck at this job. I miss being human, being a singer was so much easier.
Betty: You used to be a human?
Grim Reaper: Yeah, I took this job on when I died in '77.
Bob: Wow, you look shattered. Would you like a coffee?
Grim Reaper: Oh I shouldn't really.
Bob: Come on, take the load off.
Grim Reaper: I'd love to, but I have to head off to Hawaii soon. I like it there. Always did.
Juliet: Hold on second, are you Elv-?
Bob: Ah never mind then, maybe next time.
Grim Reaper: Yeah, for sure. I'll be seeing you in March anyway!
Bob: Lovely! We'll make cupcakes!

Grim Reaper: Take care!
Bob: And you!
Grim Reaper: Thank-you-very-much. Uh huh huh.

Bob: What a charming fella.
Juliet: Guys, did any of you think that was -
Betty: At least Yvette's gone now.
Bob: Yeah, let’s sit down and watch House eh?
Betty: Sure.
Juliet: I'm going out. All of this stuff has really freaked me out.
Bob: Alright love.

Juliet: And Juliet has left the building...

Betty: Oh my God Bob, we've been so stupid.
Bob: Have we?
Betty: I've just realized something.
Bob: And what's that?
Betty: I can't believe we didn't pick up on it.
Bob: On what?
Betty: We're so dumb! I can't believe what we just let get away!
Bob: What?

Betty: That bitch has MY wedding dress!