Bob&Betty - Episode 15 - The Newbies' Christmas Adventure Part I




Bob: I love Christmas! Do you love Christmas, Betty?
Betty: Yes, love.
Bob: Especially when it really is Christmas and not just Juliet’s birthday.
Juliet: Yeah, I really didn’t think you were gonna make that mistake again this year.



Bob: There, that’s the decorating finished. The one job of the year I can be bothered to do, because it’s so exciting!
Betty: FOR THE SEVENTEENTH TIME, IT’S JULIET’S BIRTHDAY! STOP DECORATING THE HOUSE!
Bob: Damn it!



Bob: You know what? I’m gonna get a job. I saw an ad in the paper earlier and I’m going to go for it!
Betty: Bob – that’s fantastic! You’ll be able to get us extra special stuff for next year!
Juliet: What’s the job?
Bob: Santa Claus at Pleasantview Mall.
Betty: So, you’re not going to get an actual job you can do all year round?
Bob: I’m Bob Newbie, haven’t we met?
Juliet: Yeah Betty, stop being so unreasonable, expecting your husband of almost seventeen years to get a job and commit to the family income.
Bob: Thank you, Juliet!
Juliet: Yeah, because I was being serious.
Bob: I know, that’s why I thanked you.
Juliet: I hate people who don’t get sarcasm.
Bob: I get sarcasm. Isn’t it that thing where you say something but actually it’s someone else saying it?
Juliet: Yes, that’s what it is, Bob.

The following day:


Man: Can I help you, sir?
Bob: Yes, I’m here to try out for the position of Santa Claus for the Mall.
Man: I’m sorry sir, but we’ve had a mall Santa for almost a month now. It’s only three days until Christmas.
Bob: What?! That’s impossible!


Brandi: Do you think I should’ve told Dad that the paper where he saw the advert was three weeks old?
Juliet: How long have you known?
Brandi: Since I planted the paper in his bedroom and circled the ad with a felt tip pen.
Juliet: Never complain about him being an arse to you again.


Bob: I just can’t believe it, Jay! I’ve wanted to be the mall Santa for years now!
Gay Jay: I’m sorry Bob – you’d be good at it.
Bob: Really, you think so?
Gay Jay: I know so. You’re funny, kind, great with kids, jolly...
Bob: Aww, thanks!
Gay Jay: ...hideously obese...
Bob: And stop.


Vicrum: Look Bob – if it’s bothering you that much why don’t we go down there and force the mall Santa to quit.
Bob: You think that would work?
Military Guy: Sure, we’re pretty intimidating people, Newbie.
Bob: Yeah. I’m sure the bloke will run miles when he’s confronted by a man named Vicrum, a guy who hid in his wife’s wardrobe during the Iraq War and a guy whose friends are named after Sex and the City characters in his phonebook.
Gay Jay: (Gasps) And to think I named you after Carrie!
Military Guy: And I’ll have you know I fought during that war!
Bob: Oh, no, I was talking about me.
Military Guy: You hid in Betty’s wardrobe during the Iraq War?
Bob: Yup. I also hid under Juliet’s bed during the big battle scene in Avatar.
Vicrum: Hah.


Gay Jay: Right then. Let’s go down there and give that guy a piece of our minds! I’ve got my bag and pepper spray.
Vicrum: And your vagina?
Gay Jay: Ugh, stop making me out to be such a stereotype! Now, does anyone mind if I pop to the ladies before we go?


Juliet: What have you got Bob this year, Bet?
Betty: Just some new shirts.
Juliet: Oh, good. Bob likes a range of different shirts.
Betty: Yeah.
(Phone rings)
Betty: I’ll get it.
Juliet: It’s not Bob prank calling again, is it?



Bob: Hey, yeah, I’m from BT. (Giggles) I’m here calling about your (giggles) phone bill (giggles).
Betty: Could you be any more obvious?
Bob: No really. I’m calling from (giggles) BT.
Betty: Oh yeah? What’s your name?
Bob: Bob.
(Pause)
Bob: DAMN IT!



Betty: He didn’t have a Scottish accent, for one. Anyway, give him some credit, Juliet, he’s a grown man.


Betty: (Picks up phone) Hello? Uh huh. Okay. Right. Sure. Uh huh. Yeah, I’ll be right there.


Betty: I’ll be back in five.
Juliet: Where are you going?
Betty: Bob got arrested for beating up Santa Claus.


Military Guy: So, these mall jails really do exist.
Bob: I can’t cope in jail! I can’t cope! I’m not a jail type of person! I’m innocent!
Vicrum: Shut up and take it like a man!
Gay Jay: I hope nobody drops the soap.
(Pause)
Vicrum: LET ME OUT! GET ME OUT OF HERE! I CAN’T COPE!


Bob: I’m sorry about what we did to you. We were out of line.
Santa: It’s alright, I fancied a scrap anyway.
Military Guy: How come?
Santa: Well believe it or not, I’m actually the real Santa and I got exiled from the North Pole by my evil cousin. So, I guess I just applied for the Mall job here because I wanted to still be Santa…
Gay Jay: And because you’re big, old, white-haired, bearded and happen to have a Santa costume.
Santa: That too.
Bob: So, how did it happen?
Santa: (Sigh) Well, I guess it started a few months back…



Santa: Morning love.
Mary: Alright.


Santa: You fed Rudolph?
Mary: Why should I? He’s your reindeer.
Santa: I’ve been working all day! The sleigh ain’t been fixed.
Mary: Yeah, whatever.
Santa: I’m sorry, what was that?
Mary: I think it’s rich that I do everything for a man who works one day a year.
Santa: Oh, not this again!


Santa: Feel underappreciated, do you?
Mary: Actually, yes!
Santa: That’s a shame. What do you do around here then, exactly?
Voice: Don’t answer that!
Santa: What the hell? Who is he?
Mary: My lawyer Jason, he’s here for the divorce.
Santa: Right, so that’s going ahead, is it?
Mary: Indeed.
Santa: Well, thank God for that. Hold on – YOU BROUGHT A HUMAN TO THE NORTH POLE?!
Mary: Chillax, I’m gonna wipe his memory before he leaves.
Jason: Then how will I remember the case?
Mary: Oh crud.


(Doorbell rings)
Santa: What the -?
Mary: Oh my God.
Santa: We’re the only humans in the North Pole – the elves can’t reach the doorbell, and the ones that could, I cut off their hands.
Mary: So – who the hell is it?


Damon: Hello cousin, ‘tis I – Damon Evile.
Santa: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Damon: Ow, stop! That hurt my bloody ears!
Santa: Yeah, I suppose it was a bit overdramatic, sorry.


Santa: And then he had me exiled.



Bob: Prove you’re the real Santa.
Santa: Alright, you wanted a green BMX when you were sixteen.
Bob: (Gasps).
Military Guy: What about me then, eh?
Santa: Sorry, what’s your name again?
Military Guy: It’s –
Prisoner: Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...
Vicrum: Shut up over there!
Santa: Oh, now I remember you. You wanted a train set when you were eleven.
Military Guy: He’s right!
Santa: You wanted a football kit when you were seven.
Gay Jay: I wasn’t gay then, okay?!
Vicrum: Aha!
Santa: And when you were sixteen, you wanted a Barbie and Ken dollhouse.
(Silence)
Gay Jay: Oh, this is the best day ever!


Gay Jay: So you need our help, Santa?
Santa: You what?
Bob: Don’t you want to get your rightful job as Santa back?
Santa: Yes, I suppose, but I’d like to sort things out with my wife more than anything.
Military Guy: What do you even imagine she’s doing right now?
Santa: Crying and feeling nothing but remorse for the way she treated me probably.


Mary: OH! YES! OH GOD!
Damon: This is so good, seriously so good, oh yeah, I like it like that!


Mary: Plenty of tomato ketchup!
Damon: Yep, can’t have burgers without it.
Mary: Wanna have sex after this?
Damon: Sure, why not?


Betty: (Sigh) I’m here. Time to bail you idiots out.
Vicrum: Hi Betty.
Military Guy: Cheers for this.
Betty: Who’s this?
Bob: Betty – this is Santa!
Betty: I’m so sorry my husband beat you up.
Bob: Well to be fair, he done more damage to me.
Betty: How? There are four of you.
Bob: Yeah, but I hid behind a little girl, Vicrum couldn’t be bothered, Military Guy left his gun at the bar and Gay Jay couldn’t find his hitting handbag.
Gay Jay: Plus my pepper spray ran out!
Betty: Let’s just go, shall we?
Santa: Also, my excess body flab keeps me immune from attack. And it keeps me warm at night, which is nice also.




Gina: Someone just said something sexy.

Later that day:


Juliet: Betty, what the hell are Bob and his friends doing out there?
Betty: Trying to get a sleigh Bob built to fly and take them to the North Pole. If you can even call it that…
Brandi: Mum… do you ever regret marrying Dad?
Betty: Of course not, he’s the love of my life and yes he may be strange, but he’s my Bob. And no, I don’t stay awake at night sometimes, weeping.
Brandi: I didn’t ask if you did.
Betty: Oh... right... well, I just thought you should know... that I don’t.
Brandi: Right.


Bob: I know how we can make it fly – does anyone have the phone number for Rudolph... that pilot we met once? Remember? He was a reindeer... hunter.
Vicrum: Yeah, I remember. He lived up in the North... of Wales.
Bob: Yeah, get him on the phone.
Vicrum: He’s dead.
Bob: Oh. How did he die?
Vicrum: He fell out of the sky... when he was on a helicopter tour of New York.
Bob: Oh, that’s sad.

Soon:


Bob: Welcome all to my make-shift sleigh!


Betty: Bob, are you sure this is safe?
Bob: Not altogether, no.
Betty: Then why the hell are we all sitting inside it?
Bob: Live a little, Betty.
Betty: I won’t if I bloody die!
Bob: Don’t be so doom and gloom! If we do crash it’ll be Gina who dies because she has no seat belt.
Gina: What?!
Bob: DAMN IT! I wasn’t supposed to say that last bit out loud!


Santa: Right, the engines are online... but we have no brakes.
Bob: Good enough. Let’s go.
Hannah: Then how are we even gonna land?
Bob: No idea. Should be fun to see how this goes.
Juliet: Bob where did you even get the wood for this?
Bob: Well, let’s just say when your parents get home from their cruise they’re in for a big surprise...
Betty: Hold on! A seat’s missing! Where’s Brandi?
Bob: Erm – using the bathroom. She’s not here on time however, thus we must leave without her.
Betty: What?!
Bob: Santa – start this baby up!
Santa: Yes Sir.
Betty: Bob! Be patient!
Bob: Sorry Betty, but if you snooze you lose.


Brandi: Hey guys, ready to go?
Bob: Damn it! (Sigh). Alright, get the hell in.


Bob: OKAY! HERE WE GO! SANTA – START IT UP!
Santa: We just need to think of happy Christmas memories, we need some spirit! Then this baby will fly.
Bob: Easy, let’s all think happy Christmas thoughts – ready… 1! 2! 3!

Three hours, fifty two minutes and seven seconds later…


Juliet: We’re a bunch of depressives, huh?
Bob: Oh come on! One of us has gotta have one good memory at least!
Gina: I’ve got it!














Betty: Oh my God! Gina! You’re doing it!
Santa: What the hell are you thinking about?!
Gina: That time I had sex with Trevor McDonald up the ITV News Christmas tree.
Betty: What?! Gina!
Bob: ITV News has a Christmas tree?
Juliet: You might be missing the point.


Tramp: Good luck soldiers, good luck.


Juliet: We’re flying in a make shift sleigh? Anybody find this amazing? No? Just me? Of course.
Bob: Okay, guys, it’s time for our in-flight movie! Breakfast at Tiffany’s!
Gay Jay: Oh my God! Yay!
Vicrum: Somebody throw me off please.


Damon: Evening Mary, I trust you’ve had a good day?
Mary: What have you done?! You’ve chained all the elves up and sold all the reindeers!
Damon: Yeah, those elves are just workers – nothing more. They will stay at their desks and make toys forever!
Mary: And the reindeer?!
Damon: Well it will be so much easier to post the presents rather than fly around the world and do it.
Mary: Post them?! Do you have any idea how much that is gonna cost?! You’re gonna run this place into the ground!
Damon: I know, but it will work for a few years. Plus I get 25% off parcel deliveries. My cousin’s best friend’s sister’s brother’s teacher’s uncle’s cat’s babysitter’s boyfriend’s college roommate’s niece’s gay Spanish maid has connections.
Mary: To what exactly?
Damon: Royal Mail, Mary. Are you even paying attention?


Mary: Well I’m sorry but I cannot stand back and let you do this okay? You’re out of here! I mean the sex was fantastic and your beard is simply hilarious, but this has gone too far! I want you gone!
Damon: Oh, do you?
Mary: Yes.
Damon: Do you?
Mary: YES!
Damon: Well – if that’s how you want it, Mary.


Mary: What the hell is this?!
Damon: Punishment dear. The dome will only stop at 2 A.M. tonight.
Mary: What? No!
Damon: And that’s only because Gary’s gotta come in and fix the circuit breakers, so you’ll have a two minute break.
Mary: Who the hell is Gary?!
Damon: The electrician! DO YOU NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAY?!


Mary: Wah! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!


Damon: I love being evil. It makes my nipples hard, and gives me a stiffy like a nympho riding a horse.


Gina: Someone said something sexy again!
Santa: Shut up! We’re nearly there! Concentrate!
Gay Jay: What? The film’s not over yet!
Vicrum: GET OVER THIS DAMN FILM!


Bob: Okay guys, we’ve been on here for forty minutes now and I should’ve told you about this before but we’re gonna land in a special sort of away.
Betty: Which is?!
Bob: Have any of you ever seen Return to Oz?
Betty: No.
Brandi: No.
Military Guy: No.
Gay Jay: No, Judy Garland wasn’t it.
Vicrum: Shut up! And no.
Santa: Yes! Oh my God! No! NO!
Juliet: What’s wrong, Santa?
Santa: In the film the characters ride in something like this and it breaks in half and they all fall out.
Juliet: Oh please, Bob’s not stupid enough to try and recreate things from something he’s seen on TV.



Bob: Alright. Now, Gay Jay, you’re Bree. Vicrum, you’re Lynette, Military Guy, you’re Susan and I’m Gabrielle.
Gay Jay: This is so exciting!
Bob: Contain yourself. Right, act one! Lynette and Gabrielle are having sex.
Vicrum: WHAT?!



Juliet: Oh my God! Bob, you’re going to kill us all!
Bob: Probably. But it’ll be fun huh?


Bob: The sleigh should split in half anytime now.
Military Guy: What?!
Bob: Three… two… one…
(Pause)
Brandi: HAH! It didn’t work!


Juliet: ARGH!
Military Guy: Oh my God!
Stewart: BRANDI, YOU IDIOT!




Bob: Ah! Good job the snow’s so thick, huh?
Betty: You’re a moron, Bob Newbie!
Santa: Where are the others?
Bob: I don’t really care, I’m happy because I’ve just happened to land with my favourite people.


Bob: Gargh, I spoke too soon.


Gina: Oh gosh, that actually didn’t hurt.
Hannah: Speak for yourself! I’m in pain!
Gina: Oh, stop milking it!
Juliet: Where are the other guys?
Hannah: It broke right over the top of the place; they could be on the other side.
Juliet: Great, just what we need!
Gina: Is everybody else okay?
Juliet: I think so.
Military Guy: Should be.
Stewart: Yea-
Gina: Nobody cares, Stewart.
Juliet: He came along?


Santa: Right! I say we go in there and take down Damon!
Bob: I agree. We can be reunited with the others afterward.
Brandi: Do you think we can do this, Dad?
Bob: Of course, Brandi.


Bob: For we are strong, sophisticated, smart people and we have what it takes!
Santa: That’s the spirit.
(Fart)
Brandi: (Tuts).
Betty: Sorry…

TO BE CONTINUED...