Bob&Betty - Episode 16 - The Newbies' Christmas Adventure Part II


Last time on Bob&Betty...

Betty farted...
Betty: (Farts)
Brandi: (Tuts)
Betty: Sorry...

Gina had a revelation...
Gina: Somebody just said something sexy.

Damon made a terrible confession
Damon: I love being evil. It makes my nipples hard, and gives me a stiffy like a nympho riding a horse.

Bob ran naked through Gina’s flat... oh no, we cut that bit

... and the Tramp made the best of everybody being away.
Tramp: Whoa-oh... caught in a bad romance...!

Damon: Ah, this is really the life.

Elf: Mr. Evile! We’ve got intruders!
Damon: Who?
Elf: Undesirable number one, sir.
Damon: Harry Potter?
Elf: No, Bob Newbie!
Damon: Oh right, well, that’s no fun.

Bob: So this is the North Pole?
Santa: Yes, I’m rather proud of it.
Betty: It’s very colourful!
Gay Jay: It’s so camp! I love it!
Vicrum: Boy I regret putting my sister’s dollhouse up for sale on that boot fair…
Gay Jay: But if you hadn’t, we never would’ve met.
Vicrum: Exactly.
Santa: Ignore him Jay; it wasn’t his sisters at all. I gave him that when he was thirteen.
Vicrum: Damn it, forgot you were here.

Juliet: Where are we even going?
Hannah: Yeah Gina, how do you know your way around here?
Gina: I’ve had my fair share of elves, you know?
Hannah: That piece of information comes as a surprise to nobody, continue.
Gina: Hmm, this is a dead end though. From here I don’t know the way…
Stewart: Well, I have my –
Gina: Stewart, please – grown-ups are talking.
Stewart: I’m two years older than you.
Gina: That’s nice. So, Military Guy, do you have any ideas?

Military Guy: You don’t have to call me that, my real name’s –
Gina: Yes?
Military Guy: Well normally when I go to say it, I get interrupted…
Stewart: Don’t be daft.
Juliet: Just come out with it.
Military Guy: Okay, my name’s…
Juliet: Oh, come on!
Stewart: Say!
Military Guy: My name is –
(Phone rings)
Stewart: Ooh, I should get that.
Military Guy: Screw you guys! I’m outta here.

Gina: You have a phone on you?! Why didn’t you say?
Stewart: I was going to, but you didn’t let me speak!
Gina: Don’t pass blame for an error you made.
Juliet: Just answer it, Stewart!

Stewart: Hello?
Bob: Stewart, it’s me.
Stewart: Oh hey.
Bob: I think we’re at two complete different sides of the North Pole right?
Stewart: Sure looks that way, yeah.
Bob: We’re going to go take down Vicar Damon Evile. You need to find Santa’s wife Mary and free her.

Santa: But feel free to take your time over that one.
Betty: What?
Santa: I mean, please do free her – she’s my beloved! I’m so worried about her!

Bob: Oh Stewart, you’re useless! Put Gina on!
Gina: Sup bro.
Bob: Gina, Santa said you need to find where Evile’s holding Mary and free her okay?
Gina: Roger that.
Bob: Excellent, you’re in charge of Team Gina. And I’m in charge of Team Bob.
Brandi: Great…
Gina: Excellent!

Bob: What am I wearing? Green shirt and jeans, why? Why does it matter if I’m in bed or not? OH MY GOD GINA, STOP!
Gina: Sorry! Sorry! Force of habit!

Juliet: You know we’re in serious danger now that the only member of our team with military training has left us?
Hannah: I have some too, you know?
Juliet: Really?
Hannah: Yeah, I’m a tough old girl.
Gina: Chinese burns aren’t military training.
Hannah: Oh. Then we’re screwed.

Santa: It’s strange that Evile has no security whatsoever.
Brandi: I know, aren’t you guys on high alert for terror attacks?
Santa: Not really, even extremists love elves.
Brandi: That’s nice.
Bob: Maybe killer robots will come out and charge at us or something.
Brandi: Don’t be ridiculous, Dad.

Bob: Oh my god!
Betty: Run!
Gay Jay: I’m glad I’m not wearing heels!
Brandi: I knew the day that Dad correctly predicted something was the day we’d all die!

Betty: What do we do, Bob?!
Bob: Let’s hide in this room!
Vicrum: Oh - good idea!

Bob: Do you think we’re safe?
Santa: Probably – for now.
Vicrum: I’m glad we are! I’d be the first to die if we weren’t.
Gay Jay: Why?
Bob: Because you’re black?
Vicrum: No, because of my weak knees.
Bob: Oh, sorry.
Vicrum: Oh, screw it. The black dude DOES die first.

Betty: Oh God, I can’t believe this! We could all get killed.
Bob: I know – if we lost Gina that would be so awful.
Betty: Shut up, Bob! She’s my best friend!
Brandi: Erm – guys?
Gay Jay: Now I know how that woman felt during Michael Jackson’s Thriller video!
Vicrum: Scared?
Gay Jay: No, slightly turned on.
Brandi: Guys!
Bob: What?!

Brandi: Look!

Santa: God, my wife’s a perve huh?

Santa: Damn. I knew I should’ve painted over that.

Damon: (From afar) Newbie! I know you’re in there.
Bob: Dear God! When you become ruler of this place does your voice become God-like?
Santa: No Bob, he’s using the loud speaker.
Bob: Oh, that sucks.
Damon: Listen to me! You have thirty seconds to walk outside with your hands on your head. If you fail to do so then I shall kill Mary Claus.
Bob: Oh my God!
Santa: Who else is for just staying put?
Damon: ...Or I’ll throw a grenade in the room you’re standing in.
Santa: No! Not my sexy room! Let’s surrender! WE SURRENDER!

Gina: I just received a voice mail from Bob!
Juliet: Saying?
Gina: They’ve been captured!
Hannah: Oh my God!
Stewart: You’re seriously surprised?
Gina: Ooh, but apparently Santa has a sexy room. I’m gonna have to check that out later.
Juliet: Let’s just concentrate, shall we?

Damon: Enjoy prison, bitches. I’m off to play to the Desperate Housewives video game.
Gay Jay: Aw.
Damon: Don’t be sad, it’s crap.
Gay Jay: Did he just call something related to Desperate Housewives crap?
Bob: Yes?
Gay Jay: Oh, it’s on bitch.

Betty: Bob, what are we gonna do?
Bob: It’s alright, Betty. Team Gina will save us.
(Everybody bursts out laughing)
Bob: Oh, it’s good to laugh in a dangerous situation...

Hannah: Gina! PLEASE! You’ve been on that pinball game for half an hour! We need to go rescue Mary, and then Team Bob!
Gina: Will you hold on?! I’m trying to get the top score! Ah, damn it, I’ve lost. Stewart – if you would…
Stewart: You’ve used up all my pound coins.
Gina: Man, I hate your guts.

Damon: Hello friends, how lovely to see you.
Gina: Oh. Alright love? Last week was fantastic.
Juliet: No, Gina! He’s the bad guy!
Gina: Oh crap!
Hannah: Run!

Damon: After them!
Juliet: Oh my God, robots!
Gina: I’ve never had a robot before…
Hannah: There would be more appropriate times, Gina!
Stewart: Just keep running!

Stewart: Argh! Help!
Damon: Apprehend him!

Juliet: Oh my God! Stewart!
Gina: Just keep running damn it!
Juliet: But Stewart’s down!
Gina: I know. I was the one who tripped him up!
Juliet: GINA!
Gina: We had to get most of them off our back!
Juliet: But what you just did was –
Gina: Would you rather I tripped you up?
Juliet: Yeah, good point.

Hannah: Okay, I think we lost them.
Gina: Thank God for that.
Juliet: You know Gina; I really do have to repeat that I’m uncomfortable with what you did to Stewart.
Gina: Does it bother you, Juliet? I mean will it seriously make you lose sleep tonight?
Juliet: Well, no, but I’ve had a long day and I got up at six…
Gina: Yeah, that’s the reason.
Hannah: Guys! It’s Mary!

Mary: HELLP ME!!
Juliet: Good God!
Hannah: We need to get her out!

Stewart: Hey guys.
Bob: Stewart! You’ve been captured too!
Stewart: Sadly.
Gay Jay: Where are the girls?
Stewart: They got away.

Betty: Thank God. Then we can have some hope at least.
Brandi: What’s gonna happen when we’re all caught?
Vicrum: We’ll be killed probably, I didn’t even get to change my name on my birth certificate, now people are gonna laugh when they walk past my tombstone.
Santa: Hah, yeah – they will.
Vicrum: You’re Santa! Aren’t you meant to be kind and jolly?
Santa: To kids. Adults can go to hell.
Bob: But I still write to you?
Santa: You’re allowed Bob, I’ll always love you.
Bob: (Chuckles).
Vicrum: Oh for God’s sake!

Mary: Thank you so much.
Juliet: Are you alright?
Mary: I am now. Is my husband here?
Hannah: Yes. He’s with our friends but they’ve all been captured.
Mary: We’ll save them, Damon’s a madman!
Juliet: We know. We’re here to stop him.
Gina: He is amazing in bed though.
Mary: Hell yeah.
Hannah: I can imagine.
Juliet: Well, seeing as I’m the only person here who is not completely messed up, I suggest that we move onto a different topic of conversation.

Gina: You go rescue Team Bob, I have something I need to deal with.
Juliet: What?
Gina: I’m the boss! Just go and do as I say!

Damon: Hey – you – elf guy. Will you go check on the condition of Mary?
Elf: (Sighs) My name is Shaun. And alright.
Damon: Really? I thought you elves had quirky names like Merryweather and Jinxy.
Elf: No. This is the North Pole, not Ireland.

Juliet: I found them!
Hannah: Excellent!
Bob: Oh my God!
Brandi: Why is everybody saying that today?
Betty: They actually did it – just as I managed to pick the lock.
Bob: How did you do that?!
Betty: A little skill I’ve picked up over the years, how do you think I managed to escape when you handcuffed me that time?
Juliet: Eurgh, I need less disgusting friends.
Betty: No, Bob just thought he was a cop.
Juliet: Makes sense.
Bob: How come we didn’t make an episode about that?!
Mary: Let’s just stop Damon, okay?!

Bob: You’re right – she is snappy.
Santa: I’m gutted you can’t live here man.

Damon: Ah, so here’s the entourage.
Elf: Uh oh.
Santa: Merryweather! You were helping him?!
Damon: Merryweather – I knew it!

Santa: You know what happens to Elves who break the rules!

Elf: WAHH!

Bob: Wow. He really flew out of here.
Santa: Don’t look so alarmed, evolution has made them immune to physical damage.
Betty: Does this go on often?
Santa: Yes, especially in November during our ‘Kick an Elf Festival’.
Betty: Then no wonder why.
Elf #2: I hate that festival.
Santa: Don’t make me kick you to Canada.

Damon: Hello? Attention back on me, please? Bad guy over here.
Santa: Oh, that’s right! I’m here to take my job back!
Damon: Are you? And how do you suppose on doing that?
Bob: You had a father?
Santa: Yeah, I took over the role of Father of Christmas from him.
Bob: Oh, so there have been loads of you over time?
Santa: Of course. You don’t think it’s just been me all along, do you? That’s hardly realistic.
Brandi: Yeah, because everything about what we’re doing is realistic.

Bob: Oh my God! Is your wife the daughter of the old Mrs. Claus?
Santa: No, I met her on a dating website.
Brandi: Father Christmas signed up to a dating website?
Santa: Yeah, I saw an advert for it on TV.

Advert: Are you looking for love in the North Pole?
Santa: Yes! Yes I am!

Santa: So anyway, I’ll get my job back like my father would!
Damon: Go on then.
Santa: Can I please have my job back?
Damon: No.
Santa: Okay. Any other ideas then, guys?
Voice: I have one!

Robot: Let’s kill this son-of-a-bitch!
Santa: (Gasps) Hector! It’s you! My old friend!
Vicrum: Oh my God. I’m not the only person with an awful name.
Gay Jay: Yeah, but he’s a robot so he gets away with it.
Vicrum: For crying out loud…
Damon: You! I thought I killed you! I murdered you years ago!
Hector: Well, surprise surprise Evile. I survived that flood, I’m back.
Santa: Oh, thank God!

Damon: Flood? I didn’t start a flood! I meant when I hit you with that TV antenna.
Juliet: Oh, this is just stupid now.

‘Juliet’ Actor: Who wrote this? I mean seriously? Who the hell wrote this?
Sam: What’s the problem?
‘Juliet’ Actor: You can’t be serious. North Pole by ‘sleigh’? Killer robots? Santa sexy room? A flood? TV Antenna? What the hell is going on?
Rob: We think it’s good.
‘Juliet’ Actor: What? You’re back? Since when?
Rob: Oh, don’t worry, I’m not staying long. I’ve got my busy career to get back to.

‘Juliet’ Actor: HELLO?! Back to me?!
Sam: Michelle – just settle down.
‘Juliet’ Actor: Fine, just get me a damn coffee for when you shout cut.

Sam: And – action!
Hector: You didn’t start the flood that nearly killed me?
Damon: No!
Santa: Then who did?

Mary: I’m sorry, okay?!

Santa: It was you?!
Hector: YOU were the one that nearly killed me?!
Mary: Yes! Okay! I’m sorry! It was because you two spent all your time together and I was getting ignored!
Santa: You’ve always been a jealous cow Mary! We’re done! Forever!
Mary: GOOD!
Santa: So what should we do with her and Evile?
Hector: Oh, I have some ideas.

Damon: What the-?
Mary: Where are we?
Damon: That is some kick he has.

Mary: Oh God, look!

Damon: It’s a wolf! RUN! RUN! OH MY GOD! JESUS CHRIST!
Mary: You’re a vicar!
Damon: I’ve never believed in God, I’ve just used him as an excuse for the mean things I did.

God: Oh, thanks very much. I was gonna have you get away but go to hell. Now it’ll eat you.
Virgin Mary: (From afar) Who are you talking to?
God: Just myself.
Virgin Mary: (From afar) Again? It’s the first sign of madness.
God: You know what else is crazy? THAT I HAVEN’T GOT MY DAMN TACCO SHELLS YET!
Jesus: (From afar) Dad! Don’t talk to Mum like that!
God: Go to hell, son! Get me a damn beer.

Santa: Thank you so much, Bob, and to all of you, truly. You helped me regain my title and finally get rid of those two idiots who made my life hell.
Bob: It was our pleasure.
Betty: We had best make a move, love.
Bob: Aye.
Santa: I’m going to miss you, Bob.
Bob: And I will you, Santa.
Santa: Hector will go with you. He’s always wanted to see the real world. Take him as something to remember me by.
Bob: I will, and you take Brandi.
Betty: Bob, no!
Santa: Nah, just send me a two for one shower set collection from Boots or something.
Bob: I will do.

Gina: How are we even going to get home?
Stewart: Yeah.
Bob: Hold up – where the hell have you two been?
Gina: Oh. I was a bit mean to Stew today so I made it up to him in Santa’s sexy room.
Bob: You’ve been gone for five minutes.
Stewart: Whatever, laugh all you want, that’s a long time for me!
Gina: Yeah, it was a Christmas miracle.

Death: Hey guys, good to see you again! I’m looking for a Damon Evile?
Bob: Oh, so he died then?
Death: Gruesomely.
Hector: Good!
Death: Know where he is? I wanna do this quick and get home to watch my ex-wife Priscilla and my daughter Lisa-Marie.
Bob: Aww.
Santa: I kicked them fifteen minutes away from here, east.
Death: Alright cheers, take care guys.
Juliet: Bye Elvis.
Betty: Elvis?
Bob: That’s a funny nickname.

Military Guy: Hello again.
Hannah: Oh yeah! Where the hell did you go?!
Military Guy: I made myself useful and rebuilt the craft.
Bob: You’re a legend!
Betty: Yeah! Thank you so much –
Military Guy: Just bloody call me Military Guy as per? Okay?! I’m in no mood to be interup-
(Juliet farts)
Juliet: Sorry, been holding it in for hours.
Military Guy: Get in the damn thing guys before I shoot myself in the face.

Hector: Yeah can we please go? I really want to get out there and see the world.


Hector: I – AM – AMAZED.

Bob: Me too. This house is fantastic.
Brandi: Great, now there are two of them.
Bob: Nothing like coming back home, sitting down in front of the TV and enjoying a cup of tea after flying to the north pole on make-shift sleigh to resuce Santa Claus’ wife and get him his job back and take down your evil arch-nemesis all the while being hunted by killer robots.
Juliet: Did this day seriously just happen?
Bob: And now we have a new member of the family!
Hector: Aw, cheers Bob.
Betty: He’s lovely.
Bob: God bless us, every-
Brandi: I said that last year.
Bob: Damn it!

Rob: Well, that’s a wrap!
Sam: So you’re going again?
Rob: Yes. I’m much too busy with my hectic lifestyle. I’m in the process of writing an amazing new sitcom called Johnny Sage!
Sam: A sitcom, huh?
Rob: Well actually, it started out as a drama but it was hilarious.
‘Juliet’ Actor: (From afar) For Christ’s sake, WHERE IS THAT SAM WITH MY DAMN COFFEE?!
Sam: Alright, Michelle! Jeez, these actors are such divas! I remember when I over heard them reading over this episodes script...

‘Bob’ Actor: What the hell is this? First they repeat that stupid joke about me thinking it’s Christmas on Juliet’s birthday, and now I’m beating up a mall Santa?!
‘Betty’ Actor: It gets stupider. Apparently we go on a trip to the North Pole – on a sleigh!
‘Bob’ Actor: Oh, you must be joking! How am I ever supposed to be taken seriously as a Shakespearian actor?

‘Juliet’ Actor: Have you guys read this stupid script? What, have they run out of ideas?
‘Bob’ Actor: I know! I think it’s an outrage.
‘Brandi’ Actor: This show has seriously jumped the shark.
‘Bob’ Actor: I agree – especially after that episode where I jumped a shark.
‘Betty’ Actor: I’m glad you managed to convince them not to air it.
‘Brandi’ Actor: Oh, before I forget. I’m having a party this weekend. Are you all coming?
‘Bob’ Actor: Wouldn’t miss it. Your parties are always great fun!
‘Juliet’ Actor: Must be because she’s so popular!
‘Bob’ Actor: I certainly love her.