Bob&Betty - Episode 18 - Halloween

Janette had wished she didn't take the alley way home. She could feel the creature behind her, she went to move, but it was too late. The fangs sunk into her neck and blood poured down her arm. She wanted to scream but the sheer horror of what was happening rendered her muteless. Janette remained alive until almost all of her body had been eaten by this fierce and dark creature. The creature then left, leaving her body to be found by the police the following morning. Where the creature went next, is unknown, but it was spotted just minutes away from where I am reading this story to you now.

Bob: There we are. Story over. Time to sleep, Liam.
Liam: (Whimpers). But... but...
Bob: Night.

Betty: Is he all right?
Bob: Yeah.
Betty: Did he get off to sleep OK?
Bob: Yeah, fine.
Betty: Good. I had best call Sally and let him know he's all right.
Bob: Why do we have to have him anyway? Where's your sister tonight?
Betty: She's going away for the weekend, plus, it's nice to have him here. He's my nephew and we barely seem him.
Bob: Yeah, it was nice having him down. I'm sure he can't wait to come over again.

Liam: (Sobs).

Gina: Guys, I need... I need to talk to you both.
Betty: Gina, what's wrong?
Bob: You look like you've seen a ghost!
Gina: I didn't... but Hannah did.
Bob: Sorry?
Betty: I don't understand?
Gina: Hannah, she told me she saw a ghost this morning, but I didn't believe her. Now she's missing.
Bob: Hannah's missing?
Gina: Yes!
Bob: Well, to be honest, she didn't contribute much to the group anyway.
Betty: BOB!

Gina: Something weird is happening. I can't explain it.
Betty: I feel a bit on edge too. Maybe it's just because it's Halloween?
Bob: Hannah's probably just playing a prank on you, Gina.
Gina: Do you think so?
Betty: Of course.

Juliet: Eurgh... that was one of the worst sleeps I've ever had.

Juliet: Your bed is so uncomfortable, Bet. Why does your nephew have to take my bed anyway?
Bob: Because Betty yelled at me when I told him to sleep on the Tramp's sofa.
Juliet: Yes, she's so unreasonable, isn't she?
Gina: Hannah's gone missing.
Juliet: Oh my goodness!
Betty: Isn't it awful?
Bob: So we're pretending to be sad, then?

Betty: Look, I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about. It's not like anybody else has disappeared.
Gina: You know what? I suppose you're right.
Betty: Shall I make some tea?
Bob: Oh, do! You make good tea, love.
Gina: It is, it's lovely.
Betty: Aw, thanks.
Juliet: Erm, guys... where's Brandi?

Betty: We're terrible parents, aren't we?

Paulo: Hello and welcome to SimTV News. Our top stories tonight...
Liz: The town of Pleasantview is in panic as many residents are reported as missing.
Paulo: This is what Helga, our therapist, was talking about...

Liz: Excuse me?
Paulo: Talking over me. I was about to reveal the top stories and you totally just butted in there and took over. You do it often.
Liz: How do I do it often!? Tell me how I do it often!
Paulo: Well, you just -
Liz: You talk rubbish sometimes!
Paulo: Yes, I'm wrong, aren't I?

Liz: I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...
Paulo: YOU were rudely interrupted!?
Liz:  Police are urging residents to be calm but on alert.
Paulo: Liz, do you see that Teleprompter down there?
Liz: (Sighs). Yes.
Paulo: What did it say about what you just said?
Liz: Hon, we're on air.

Paulo: What does it say above it, Liz?
Liz: Paulo.
Liz: You know what!? I've had enough! I'm sick of you and I'm sick of that stupid therapist that you're clearly having an affair with!
Paulo: Helga's a lady, Liz.
Liz: Helga?! HELGA!? What is she a Hogwarts founder!?

Paulo: We apologise for that, viewers. I'll continue to read the news. Police are urging all residents to remain calm but on alert. If you spot any suspicious activity, please contact the police immediately.
Voice: Can I come out now?
Paulo: No! I'm on air! Stay under the desk, Helga!

Paulo: (Chuckles). So, erm... yeah... just be careful, folks!

Gina: People are... going missing!?
Betty: Good Lord, this is frightening!
Bob: Come on, girls. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Betty: (Gasps). The lights have cut out!
Bob: That doesn't mean anything. It happens all the time in horror films and nothing bad ever happens there.
Gina: Why is Bob wrong about everything?
Juliet: Oh, things are getting bad, aren't they? Things are getting bad. How can things be so bad today when I had the best moment of my life yesterday?


Presenter: Welcome to Entertainment Tonight. So, have you heard the news? LMFAO have officially announced that they have split up.
Juliet: (Gasps). YES! Oh my goodness, it's happened! It's today! It's finally happened!

(Juliet knocks on door)

God: Yeah?
Juliet: THANK YOU!


Betty: Brandi... my Brandi... my poor Brandi!
Juliet: Have you tried phoning her?
Betty: Yes, it just goes straight to voice mail.
Bob: Maybe, she's at a boys house?
Juliet: Yes, because that's likely.
Betty: I had best check on Liam...
Bob: To be honest, I'm still not convinced that people are actually going missing.

Betty: What the hell-!? LIAM!

Betty: Oh my God! Liam's gone!
Juliet: (Gasps).
Gina: How could he just vanish!?
Betty: He's gone! I'm telling you he's gone!
Bob: Or has he?
Betty: Bob, he's not in there! He's gone!
Bob: Still, I'm not convinced.
Betty: Oh, so Hannah, Brandi and Liam going missing AND the news reporting that people all over town have vanished doesn't make you believe it?
Bob: Have you checked under the bed?
Betty: Yes, he's not there.
Bob: Ah, well all right then. He's missing.

Gay Jay: Guys, have you heard about what's going on!?

Bob: Jay, Vicrum, Military Guy! Thank goodness you're all right!
Betty: So them you were worried about but Brandi and your nephew going missing doesn't worry you at all?
Bob: We raised Brandi well, Betty. She can survive anything and Liam I don't really care about because of his Mother. I've never liked your sister. Not since she rejected my advances that night I met your family for the first time.

Betty: WHAT!?
Bob: Would anybody care to swear? Feel free. I've just put the kettle on.

Betty: Oh man... oh man... this is bad... this is really bad.
Military Guy: Apparently all the phone lines in Pleasantview have gone down.
Gina: Jeez. How can this happen?
Vicrum: Maybe it's something paranormal?
Bob: (Gasps). Of course! It's the ghosts!
Juliet: Yes, of course it is. For crying out loud...
Bob: This explains it all! it explains all of it! Hannah seeing a ghost and then going missing... Brandi going missing... Liam vanishing from his bed... Gangham Style getting number one...
Juliet: No, Bob, that last one just actually happened.
Bob: Really? My God, no! the Apocalypse is here, people. It's here.

Betty: Can we PLEASE just figure out a cause of action? My nephew and my best friend are missing and I'm going out of my mind with grief!
Gina: Betty.
Betty: What?
Gina: You forgot Brandi.
Betty: I did? I mean... I did! What is wrong with me!?
Bob: Betty, I have to say, your nasty behaviour towards Brandi is awful and I really disagree with it.
Betty: Are you for real?
Vicrum: Lets just calm down, Betty. We'll sort something out, all right?
Betty: OK... OK...

Bob: I still can't believe Gangham Style got number one.
Juliet: Why is that all you're thinking about?
Bob: As a music fan, it's worrying.
Juliet: (Laughs). Oh, please.
Bob: Hey, I'm a fan of music... and Nicki Minaj!

Hector: What the hell is going on in Pleasantview!?
Gina: Hector!
Juliet: Where the hell have you been!?
Hector: I was at the DVD store trying to find a full series box set of Golden Girls for a friend when I heard what was going on.
Gay Jay: God, even I think that's too gay.
Bob: So, did they not stock it?
Hector: No, sorry, Bob.
Bob: Argh, I can't find it anywhere.

Hector: Is everyone here? Who's missing?
Betty: Hannah and Liam have both vanished.
Juliet: And...?
Betty: BRANDI! Brandi! Jesus. I'm just terrible today!
Bob: I think we should phone the police and let them know we have three people missing!
Military Guy: We can't phone the police, the phone lines are down.
Bob: (Laughs). What does that have to do with anything?
Military Guy: Wow.

Bob: What do I do when you all go missing and I'm left alone?
Hector: What makes you think that's how it's going to go?
Bob: I'm the funniest, why wouldn't I be the last one standing? Lets see how funny things are if Vicrum's the last one left. (Laughs).
Vicrum: Hey!
Bob: No offence.
Military Guy: He's the black guy, too, and they always tend to die first.
Vicrum: Should I just leave!?

Betty: We should all just come up with a way to make it impossible for us to be snatched... or vanished...
Bob: We could all hold hands? I'd like that.
Juliet: Sure, then we could all sit round the camp-fire and sing Kumbaya.
Bob: Ooh, yes!
Juliet: No, Bob.
Bob: Aw, man.

Gay Jay: Perhaps we should tie some rope around ourselves and all be connected that way?
Juliet: That's not actually bad idea.
Betty: We've got some rope out in the back garden.
Military Guy: I'll go fetch it.
Betty: Are you sure?
Hector: You'll go outside on your own, Military Man?
Military Guy: It's Military GUY. If you can't even be bothered to learn my real name, at least get my nickname right.
Gina: Just tell us your real name.
Military Guy: It's -
[Kettle whistles]
Bob: That's weird, nobody even swore.
Military Guy: Forget it!

Military Guy: As I was saying, surely someone will come outside with me to get the rope?

Military Guy: Betty?

Military Guy: I really need some new friends.

Ten minutes later...

Bob: So, he's vanished now too, right?
Vicrum: Oh, definitely.
Juliet: Well the rope idea worked perfectly.

Liam: Hello there, everybody.
Betty: LIAM! THANK GOODNESS! Give me a hug!

Liam: I'd rather you didn't touch me.
Betty: Erm, all right then.

Bob: Where have you been!?
Betty: Are you all right? Did you see Hannah? Or Military Guy?
Gina: Or Betty's daughter?
Juliet: Bet, it's getting worrying now.
Liam: I haven't seen anyone. I just decided to go for a walk.
Betty: Well, don't run off again! You scared me!
Liam: Oh, Betty, don't worry. I don't intend to leave again.

Betty: Well... thank goodness he's home safe and sound anyway.
Bob: Does anyone else think he's some sort of demon child?
Gina: Yep.
Bob: Knew it. Nailed it. Miss. Marple ain't got nothing on this bitch.

Betty: What? Don't be so insane! My nephew isn't some sort of demon child.
Bob: Betty, he vanished from his room and turned up outside. How did he manage that if he wasn't in league with the devil?
Betty: You're talking rubbish, Bob!
Hector: I think he has a point, you know? All of this did start happening when he turned up.
Betty: So, what do you suggest? We just throw him out in the cold?
Bob: No, that would be cruel. I think we should tie him down and throw bibles at him.
Betty: What the hell-!? NO!
Bob: Jeez, Betty, it's almost like you don't want your daughter back?

Liam: Betty, I'd like a cheese burger.
Betty: Sorry?
Liam: I'd like a cheese burger.
Betty: It's late, Liam. You're not having a burger.
Liam: (Laughs). Fine.

Betty: See, he's just a normal kid!
Gina: Erm, where's Hector gone?
Betty: Oh, for crying out loud.

One hour later...

Gina: Right, I've given him a cheese burger. He seems happy enough. If we keep him happy maybe no more of us will vanish?
Betty: I'm so frightened. I didn't believe this at first but it must be true... what do you think he's done to my daughter?
Gina: There we go.
Betty: I'm shaking... this is too much. I can't deal with horror films let alone strange things happening in real life!
Bob: Bet, it's going to be all right. I'm your husband and I'm here to comfort you and make you feel better.
Betty: All right. Thank you, love.
Bob: So, the midnight hour approaches. Is everyone ready to die?
Betty: BOB!
Bob: Oops. Sorry, love.

Gay Jay: I can't believe I'm going to die, there was still so much I wanted to do with my life.
Bob: Gay Pride 2013?
Gay Jay: Yes.
Bob: 2014?
Gay Jay: Yep.
Bob: 2015?
Gay Jay: Oh, definitely.
Bob: 2016?
Gay Jay: Right on.
Bob: 2017?
Gay Jay: Hell yes.
Bob: 2018?
Juliet: Oh, for crying out loud. ENOUGH!

Liam: Hello, everybody.
Bob: (Screams).
Juliet: How did you get there!?
Liam: I'm sorry?
Juliet: How did you go from the bedroom to here!?
Liam: I don't know. Life is full of many mysteries. How did Gangham Style get number one, for example?
Bob: He may be killing all of us one by one, but I now like this kid.

Betty: Liam, please, do you have anything to do with these disappearances?
Liam: Hmm. Life is full of many mysteries, Betty.
Vicrum: Just answer the question!
Bob: (Gasps). Don't anger him!
Vicrum: Well, maybe I'm tired of this little brat and what he's doing!
Betty: Vicrum, no!
Gay Jay: Shut up, Vicrum!
Vicrum: Sorry, Gay Jay. You may be my best friend, but I'm not listening to you with this!

Juliet: Jay... JAY!?
Betty: Great, he's gone now, too.
Gina: Are you proud of yourself, Vicrum?
Vicrum: I am, indeed. My plan worked perfectly.
Bob: What plan?
Vicrum: My plan to be the last one standing.
Liam: (Laughs). A black man the last one remaining? Funny, Vicrum. Funny.
Juliet: (Laughs). It is.
Vicrum: Erm, Juliet?
Juliet: Sorry, but it's true.

Liam: I'm off for a sleep. I'll be seeing you all very soon.

Bob: All right, I'm just going to come out and say it... who's up for killing the kid?
Betty: BOB!
Bob: Betty, it's either him or us. So, the way I see it, why do we not kill the seven-year-old?
Juliet: Take that out of context and we sound awful.

Gina: I just thought of a genius idea.
Vicrum: And what's that?
Gina: Why don't we just go home? The kid probably ain't gonna bother us if we leave.
Vicrum: That's a good point.
Betty: You're not gonna do that, Gina. You're not just gonna and leave your friends to die!
Gina: No, you're right, that would terrible of me.

Betty: Gina!
Gina: Oh, come on, Bet. I'm a prostitute, my moral compass isn't good!
Vicrum: And my moral compass isn't exactly pointing North either.
Gina: I'll say. More like South-East from what I remember.
Vicrum: You swore you wouldn't tell!

Gina: What the hell!?
Vicrum: The door's locked!
Gina: My God, that child thinks of EVERYTHING.
Bob: He didn't, I just locked the door after Military Guy went missing to stop anyone from getting in. I hid the key.
Gina: Well, can we have it?
Bob: No.
Vicrum: Let me give this a try, Gina.
Gina: All right.
Bob: No.
Vicrum: Well, that's all I've got. I guess we'll have to stay.

Liam: Going somewhere?
Gina: No... no... we're not leaving.
Liam: Didn't I give strict instructions that nobody was to leave?
Gina: No?
Liam: Ah, well, then... I forgot about that.
Gina: Well, it seems as if the Devil's chosen one isn't so smart after all.
Liam: The devil? I have nothing to do with him.
Gina: You don't?
Liam: No, he's far too busy with other things.
Bob: Like what?
Liam: Many things. Rupert Murdoch is a very busy man, you know?
Bob: Fair enough.

Gina: Well, I'm going regardless. Even if I have to break a window.
Liam: I said no.
Gina: And I said I'm going.
Bob: Gina, do as he says...
Gina: No, I've had enough! I haven't had sex in over seven hours, all right? I feel like I'm fourteen again! I can't cope!
Liam: Fine.

Betty: (Sighs). We really are just going one by one.

Juliet: Queuing up for the roller-coaster is always actually more scary than the ride itself...
Betty: Sorry?
Juliet: You know, the waiting around and the not knowing is actually the worst bit? I think we should just accept our fate and get this over and done with.
Betty: Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

Bob: (Excitedly). I think she is! Betty, whip out the popcorn, we're watching Golden Girls online!
Juliet: No, that's not what I mean, Bob.
Bob: Dammit.

Juliet: Liam, just take me... kill me... whatever it is you do. I've had enough.
Betty: Juliet, no!
Betty: Excuse me?

Bob: All right, jeez. You're attractive, too. Why do you always moan at me about things like that?
Betty: Because I'm supposed to be your wife!
Bob: Betty, people are going missing here, I'm in no mood to tolerate your vanity.
Betty: Liam, do you accept vanishing requests? Because I have someone I'd like you to rid me of!
Bob: Woah, you leave Vicrum out of this! I put up with your friends, so you should put up with mine!

Liam: Juliet, your wish is my command.
Bob: Oh, so you're a genie?
Liam: Sorry?
Bob: All this time we thought you were like a demon, but you're a genie? You grant wishes?
Liam: Eh?
Bob: Who was it that wished for all of us to suffer this fate? It was Mildred, wasn't it? The woman from the post office. She's never liked me has she, love?
Betty: No, she's always looked at you funny.
Bob: That she has. I don't what I've done to offend the woman so much to make her wish this upon us.
Liam: What are you talking about!?
Bob: Ah, you can deny it all you like but I can see it. I see it.
Liam: Enough now!
Bob: Evil Mildred...

Betty: (Sighs). That's Juliet gone. I'm the last girl standing.

Liam: For the record, I do take vanishing requests!
Betty: AHA!
Bob: No, Betty, don't do it! VANISH BETTY, LIAM!

Liam: Very well.
Betty: BOB!
Bob: Sorry, love, but you were going to do it to me!
Betty: No, I was going to ask him to vanish himself!
Bob: Oh, that would have been better.

Bob: Well, that's Betty gone. Man, I feel awful. Hey, Vicrum, you know what would cheer me up?
Vicrum: I'm not watching The Golden Girls.
Bob: ARGH! This really cannot get any worse.
Liam: Oh, I think it can...
Bob: Please, how can it!?
Liam: Lets see...

Rob: Right, I'll make this short. This show has gotten completely ridiculous. It's like a joke that got out of hand. I mean, for God’s sake, how many times have they used that stupid kettle whistling joke whenever somebody swears? Nobody drinks that much tea!

Rob: And can we just find out Military Guy’s name already? In what real life situation would a succession of ridiculous distractions prevent a group of friends from finding out one of their names? It’s ludicrous.

Rob: If you’re like me and you want to watch a proper comedy show, with jokes that actually resemble something close to funny, then do tune into Lorraine & Laverne, starting soon. Alright, that’s’ all I have to say.

Bob: Why you little shi-
[Kettle whistles]

Bob: OK, he may have had a point.

Two hours later...

Vicrum: Bob? Bob!?

Vicrum: I did it! I did it! I proved them all wrong! The black man is the last man standing! WAHOO! Oh, hell yes!

Bob: Well, that's the toilet fed. What were you yelling about?

Vicrum: Sorry?
Liam: I was sleeping and some idiot screaming just woke me up!
Vicrum: It was outside.
Liam: It was?
Bob: Yes... it was outside... near Italy somewhere... it was a bear... a giant bear who was erm... angry... because the pizza was cold... and the giraffe likes it hot.
Liam: You mean the bear?
Bob: Crud.
Liam: You can't lie.
Bob: I know.
Liam: It was Vicrum, wasn't it?
Bob: It was.

Liam: Well, I guess a congratulations are in order.
Bob: They are?
Liam: They are. You're the last man standing.
Bob: Speaking of the last man standing, have you seen that sitcom of the same name?
Liam: I have.
Bob: Isn't it awful?
Liam: It is pretty awful. Waste of Tim Allen's talent.
Bob: Couldn't agree more.
Liam: Yeah, I should probably kill some folk for that. Anyway, congrats again, and I'll be back later... for a surprise.
Bob: Ooh!

Liam: No, it's scary. It's not a good thing.
Bob: Oh, well it didn't come across scary.
Liam: I'll try it again. (Clears throat). I'll be back later... with a surprise!
Bob: Nope, still not feeling it.
Liam: I did it with lightning that time.
Bob: I couldn't see it.
Liam: Ah. I probably should have taken you outside for it, then.
Bob: Yes, you should have.
Liam: Anyway, I'll be back later.

Twenty-three minutes later:

Bob: ARGH. I can't get to sleep. I'm just going to watch something on TV.

Bob: Oh, hey guys. Good to see you back. I guess Liam changed his mind. Excuse me.

Liam: Ah, well. That was a bit of an anti-climax.

Bob: What the hell-!? Was it... was it all a dream? Betty! Betty! You're here!
Betty: Mmm? I'm sleeping.
Bob: Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness! Love, you know your nephew, Liam? Let's not ever have him round.
Betty: I don't have a nephew called Liam.
Bob: Yes, you do, Sally's daughter. Your sister.
Betty: I don't have a sister called Sally.
Bob: Oh, well then I should really revise your family tree more for future dream adventures.

Bob: What's that noise? I think somebody's in the shower.
Betty: I don't know. Juliet, Brandi and Hector are out. Just go and check and let me sleep!
Bob: All right! All right!

Bob: What the-!? Who's that? Hello?

Bobby Ewing: Morning.