Bob&Betty - Episode 19 - Working For The Man




Bob: Juliet?
Juliet: Yes Bob?
Bob: Why do you think toilets are white?
Juliet: Hmm?
Bob: I mean, they could be any colour; why is every toilet white? Why do we never see a pink toilet?
Juliet: Bob, when we're alone you don't have to fill these silences.
Bob: Thank God!


Bob: All right, love?
Betty: Yeah, whatever!
Juliet: What's the matter with you?
Betty: You know that jerk policeman who always gives me fines for no reason because I refused to go out with him?
Bob: Oh yeah, I like that guy.
Betty: Well, he's just given me a seventy-five pound fine! For nothing!
Juliet: That's insane! He can't do that.
Betty: I've tried taking him to court before but he's so damn charming, he talks his way out of everything!
Bob: Well maybe you should have gone out with him and stopped being such a penis block?


Betty: I didn't go out with him because I'm married?
Bob: Excellent.
Juliet: What?
Betty: He's doing that thing where he's only partly listening to the conversation whilst the other half of him is concentrating on the TV.
Juliet: Really?
Bob: Sure love, if that's what you want.
Betty: See.
Juliet: Hey Bob, could me and Betty go take your car for a drive into town and then sell the useless piece of dump to pay Betty's fine?
Bob: Whatever, Brandi, do what you want.


Betty: Excellent!


(Silence)
Bob: Oh crap.


Betty: Oh God, here we go.
Juliet: What?
Betty: That's the cop guy, he's coming over.
Juliet: It's all right Betty, I take no nonsense! Let me handle this.
Betty: Be careful though, he's incredibly charming with those good looks of his.
Juliet: Oh Betty, don't insult me. I'm the least shallow person going.
Betty: Then why won't you get with Brandi?
Juliet: Just because I'm not shallow it doesn't mean I'm insane!
Betty: Remember what I said; he's charming.
Juliet: And I told you; I won't stand for it!


Chad: Excuse me ma'am, would you step aside? I'd like to have a word with your friend here...
Juliet: No! I'm not standing for you abusing my best friend any more! Enough is enough! Your boyish charm won't work on me!
Chad: Your father must have been a thief.
Juliet: Excuse me?
Chad: Because he stole the stars and put them into your eyes.
Juliet: Oh!
Betty: Oh please! She won't fall for -
Juliet: I have been told I have beautiful eyes.
Chad: You do. Now, do you mind if I talk to your friend?
Juliet: Sure! Yes, Sir!
Betty: Oh, for heaven’s sake, Juliet!


Betty: What do you want?
Chad: I'm not sure I approve of that tone, Mrs. Newbie.
Betty: Look, why don't you just leave me alone? I'm going to pay the fine...


Bob: Betty! Juliet! There's no way in hell you are selling my car. Who the hell is this?
Chad: I happen to be a police officer.
Bob: That's nice. Betty, you are not selling this car!
Betty: What's the point in keeping it, Bob? It's a crap hole.
Bob: I love it! It's my thing.
Betty: You know Gina had sex in the back with Stewart, don't you?
Bob: Really?
Betty: Twice.
Bob: Well we have sex on the sofa yet everyone still sits on that...
Juliet: Oh, for crying out loud.
Bob: So, what does it matter?
Betty: There's a pretty big spider in the glove compartment.
Bob: OK, sell it.


Chad: Hold on a second... somebody had sex in this vehicle?
Bob: Listen moron, why don't you get lost and take your sad pathetic life elsewhere? Me and my wife are having a conversation. So why don't you give it a rest?
Chad: Excuse me?
Juliet: I'd never speak to you like that, never! In fact I don't know where he gets the nerve to-
Chad: Settle down.
Juliet: Yes, Sir.
Bob: Hah! What are you gonna do?
Chad: How about I place you under arrest?
Bob: What the hell? I could speak to Betty like this and she couldn't have me arrested.
Chad: No, but I can.
Bob: Oh, crap.
Betty: Don't worry, Bob, there's no way this is going to go through court.


Judge Chang: Guilty! I sentence Mr. Newbie to seventy hours community service.
Betty: Dammit!


Judge Chang: And we're on for dinner tomorrow night, Chad? After I drop my wife off to her cooking class?
Chad: Of course. I look forward to looking at your amazing beard some more.
Judge Chang: (Giggles).
Betty: OH, COME ON!

Two days later:


Juliet: Where’s Hector? I haven’t seen him for a few days…
Bob: Oh he’s off on one of his ‘horny holidays’.
Juliet: ‘Horny holidays’?
Bob: Yes, that’s correct.
Juliet: What the hell is a ‘horny holiday?’


Hector: Thank you so much, Mr. Cab Driver! I’m so excited! I’m so ready to get laid!


Hector: Hell yes, the sex machine is coming to get you hard drives!


Betty: You start your community service tomorrow, Bob. Do you even know what you've gotta do?
Bob: Yeah, an email came a few days ago but I haven't got round to reading it.
Juliet: (Tuts) I'll find out.
Betty: You know you could end up doing something quite worthwhile, Bob.
Bob: Meh.


Juliet: Oh my God...
Bob: I just hope I get a lunch break!
Juliet: Oh no. Bob -
Betty: I'm sure you will do.
Juliet: Guys!
Bob: I'd like to think so.
Juliet: GUYS!
Betty: What!?
Juliet: Bob, the man you're going to work for... is my father!


Bob: FOR THE LOVE OF F-
[Kettle whistles]
Bob: -ING GOD!


Stewart: What the hell was that? It was really loud.
Gina: I know, some people have no respect for the community these days. Shall we carry on?
Stewart: Of course.



The following day:


Bob: I can't believe I have to work for your evil father.
Juliet: I know, I'm so sorry, Bob.
Bob: Do you honestly think it's that bad?
Juliet: Don't be surprised if he sells you.
Bob: Sells me?
Juliet: Yes.
Bob: To who?
Juliet: The craziest, most evil bitch going. I remember what happened to poor Franny.


Franny: No, Mrs. Campbell! No more! No more!
Naomi Campbell: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BREATHING SO HEAVILY DAMMIT!? I'VE TRIED BEING PAITENT, I'M A CALM GIRL BUT YOU'RE EXHALING LIKE A PUNCTURED BOUNCY CASTLE!
Franny: I'm sorry! It won't happen again! I swear!
Naomi Campbell: I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! I'M NORMALLY A CALM, LOVING, GIRL-NEXT-DOOR TYPE OF WOMAN!
Franny: NO! Not your blackberry, Mrs. Campbell! Please, put it down! Not your mobile, no!


Bob: (Gulps).
Juliet: She's a distant cousin to mine you know?
Bob: Really?
Juliet: Yeah. Dad never lets us speak to her though.
Bob: Why?
Juliet: He thought it was a bad sign when the midwife performed an exorcism seconds after she was born.
Bob: I'm sure it was just a routine thing...


(Juliet knocks on door)
Juliet: You ready for this?
Bob: I suppose.


Paige: Oh hello, Juliet dear! It's lovely to see you, I've missed you.
Juliet: Hello, Mother, I've missed you, too.
Paige: Who's your friend?
Bob: Bob Newbie, ma’am.
Paige: We've met before, right? My memory is fading... oh God! I had blocked you out! NO! NOT YOU!

_____________________________________________________________________




_____________________________________________________________________


Paige: ARGHHH!


Bob: That went well.
Juliet: Oh, where did she run off to? You go and find my Dad; I'm gonna go check my Mother for signs off post traumatic stress disorder...
Bob: Juliet! Look! A pink toilet!
Juliet: Heh.


Gina: Hiya, Betty.
Hannah: We got your message and rushed over as soon as we could.
Betty: I only text Gina, why are you here, Hannah?
Hannah: Because I'm sick of being left out of things!
Betty: OK, Hannah, you wanna help? I'm looking for an absolute get around who has zero self respect for herself and thinks it's acceptable to have sex in a public elevator.
Hannah: I'll be off then.
Betty: Take care.


Gina: I was the first one you thought of? I'm so flattered.
Betty: Yeah, anyway Gina, I need you to do me a favour.
Gina: Have sex with you in an elevator? Oh, Betty, I'm not so sure...
Betty: No! Not me! I need you to seduce this cop guy who's been giving me grief.
Gina: Oh right, sure, no problem.
Betty: Hold on... were you about to reject me because you wouldn't want to ruin our friendship? Oh, Gina, that's very sweet!
Gina: No, I was about to say I'm not so sure I'd be able to without being extremely smashed.
Betty: Oh, well that's still sweet in a very Gina way.
Gina: I like to think so.


Bob: Is your mother okay?
Juliet: Don't ask. I've gotta take off soon to pick up Brandi from camp so listen carefully, when you go in there only talk to him when he talks to you and whatever you do call him Sir, all right?
Bob: Oh, come on, Juliet, how bad is your dad, really?
Juliet:I'm being serious, Bob! And make sure you NEVER EVER use the lord’s name in vain either, he takes it personally...
Bob: (Tuts) It's not like he thinks he's the King or something...


Henry: Kneel before me!


Bob: Oh for Christ's sake.
Juliet: BOB!

Soon:


Henry: Did you enjoy sorting out the lawn, peasant?
Bob: No. You could have given me some scissors or something if you refuse to trust me with your lawnmower.
Henry: No. What took you so damn long? You've been doing it for three hours!
Bob: You gave me a knife to cut the grass!
Henry: And that was very generous of me, I used to make Paige do it with just her hands.
Bob: Paige? Isn't that your wife?
Henry: Yes.
Bob: Oh.
Henry: She's tried divorcing me many times.
Bob: Can't imagine why.


Juliet: Hello? Betty? Anybody home? I've just got back from my parents, my dad’s probably gonna keep Bob there for as long as he can. Hello? Guys?
Voice: A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION, A LITTLE MORE ACTION -
Juliet: What the -?


Tramp: ALL THIS AGGRAVATION AIN'T SATISFACTIONING ME! A LITTLE MORE BITE AND A LITTLE LESS BARK!
Juliet: What the hell do you think you're doing!?




Tramp: I can explain?


Juliet: I'm never buying you a happy meal again you strange, strange little tramp.


Gina: Betty, are you sure this is going to work?
Betty: You doubt your abilities to seduce him?
Gina: No, I meant the elevator; this building is fairly run down.
Betty: Yes it works, I tried earlier.
Gina: So what's the plan?
Betty: I called him and left a tip off saying that there's a suspected super villain planning to take over the world in an apartment on the top floor.
Gina: Oh my god. Seriously?
Betty: No, Gina, Chad just lives in this building.




The Joker: Phew.


Magneto: Well, do we have to make a run for it?
The Joker: No, no, just a false alarm.
Magneto: Jesus, you had me going there, you idiot!
The Joker: Why so serious?
Magento: Don't start with that sh-
[Kettle whilstles]
Magneto: - or I'll kill you! Want some tea?
The Joker: Sure.
Magneto: We've gotta tidy up a bit! Dr. Octopus, The Green Goblin, Loki and Lex Luthor are coming over for dinner.
The Joker: They're still coming!? I thought you cancelled?
Magneto: They've been looking forward to it all week; I can't cancel now!

Soon:


Chad: Good evening Ma'am.
Gina: All right, love?
Chad: Going up or down?
Gina: Depends where you wanna start, baby cakes.
Chad: Excuse me?
Gina: Up. Up would be fine.


Chad: What the hell are you doing!?
Gina: Oh, come on baby, you know you wanna!
Chad: Have you had sex in public places before?
Gina: Of course!
Chad: I'm placing you under arrest!
Gina: You what?
Chad: Right after we do it!
Gina: Ooh, OK!


Bob: Look I've done everything you've wanted! Please may I go home now?
Henry: Hmm, did you wash this pool like I've asked?
Bob: Yes.
Henry: Good, I'll have my morning swim in an hour or so.
Bob: It's ten at night?
Henry: Poor people can't afford to be specific so bare that in mind if you ever try to talk over me again. Did you use the appropriate amount of chlorine?
Bob: Chlorine?
Henry: Yes, chlorine.
Bob: Oh, erm, I sorta used fairy liquid.
Henry: What the hell!? You used fairy liquid to wash my pool!?
Bob: Yes but don't worry I didn't use much. I hardly ever buy fairy liquid.
Henry: That's good considering your limited income.


Henry: So seeing as you completely messed this up you can go and wash all the windows.
Bob: Again!?
Henry: What do you mean again? You've only done it four times.
Bob: FIVE!
Henry: Well that's good 'cause you only have to do it two more times.
Bob: I can't deal with this anymore! I know what's gonna make you prove that you're not evil!


Henry: What on earth are you doing?
Bob: You'll see!


Bob: I'm gonna jump off! I'm gonna do it!
Henry: No! NO! Please, no!
Bob: Aha! See, I knew you're not evil!
Henry: No it's not that... I've just had the patio done.
Bob: Oh, for crying out loud!


Paige: Henry, leave this man alone!
Henry: Excuse me?
Paige: I've been watching you and all you have done is boss this man around.
Henry: So you think I should sell him to Naomi?
Paige: Oh, God no!
Henry: You let me sell Franny to her.
Paige: Yeah well that's because I caught that cow in bed with you, but anyway, that's not the point! He's done enough and it's about time you let him go home.
Bob: Oh, thank you so much, Mrs. Henderson!


Paige: You're welcome, Mr. Newbie.
Bob: You're such a nice lady. Now I know where Juliet gets her kindness from! I can't believe you're being so kind as to let me off the rest of my community service.
Paige: What? I expect you here at eight o'clock tomorrow morning.
Bob: What?!
Henry: Hah, there's the bitch I married.

Soon:




Juliet: I'm sorry about my parents, Bob; they're not the nicest of people.
Bob: Then why do you still go to see them weekly?
Juliet: I don't know but it has nothing to do with the fact they both have very weak hearts and they're millionaires.
Bob: I'm sure it doesn't.
Juliet: Have you seen Betty?
Bob: No, not since this morning, actually.


Betty: Hi guys.
Bob: Hey.
Juliet: How did getting Chad fired go?
Betty: It didn't work.
Juliet: What? Gina didn't manage to seduce him in public!?
Betty: Yeah she did and the chief of police was informed.
Juliet: Then why isn't he in trouble?
Betty: Turns out he also had sex with Gina on top of the lighthouse so he can't exactly report him.
Juliet: Boy this town’s police force is messed up.
Betty: Yep. You should have seen what they did during that hostage situation a few years back...
_____________________________________________________________________


Chad: We know you're in, Rodriguez! Come out now with your hands on top of your head!
Rodriguez: (From inside). Piss off!
Chad: All right, then! Thank you very much for your time!



_____________________________________________________________________


Juliet: Guys, do you mind if I ask you both a question?
Betty: Yeah?
Juliet: Have you ever caught the tramp dancing in his underwear on your bed singing Elvis?
Betty: Yeah.
Bob: He does that every weekend.
Juliet: Oh. I kinda kicked him out.
Bob: He's been doing that every weekend since we found him, oh Juliet, he must be so upset!


Juliet: What the -?




Juliet: Wow, today has been insanely hectic. I'm about ready to sleep.
Betty: Me too.
(Silence)
Betty: Juliet, can I ask you a question?
Juliet: Sure.
Betty: I'm quite ashamed it's taken me this long to realise something.
Juliet: And what's that, Bet?
Betty: Where on earth is Brandi?


Juliet: OH MY GOD, I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO PICK HER UP!


Brandi: Yeah, my crush on Juliet has definitely gone...