Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 1 - Kids




Laverne: Morning, Lorraine.
Lorraine: Morning.
Laverne: What are you watching?
Lorraine: The Da Vinci Code.


Laverne: Lorraine – we’re vicars!
Lorraine: Your point being?
Laverne: That film is offensive!
Lorraine: Well, maybe not worth the eight ninety-nine, but I wouldn’t go that far.


Laverne: Lorraine, our job is to preach the holy word of Jesus. That film depicts Jesus as an ordinary man married to Mary Magdalene.
Lorraine: Yeah, it’s nice. Don’t you like it when characters hook up?
Laverne: Lorraine, have you even read the Bible?
Lorraine: Is there a movie of it?
Laverne: No.
Lorraine: Then no.


Laverne: How can you even look at yourself in the mirror?


Lorraine: Easily, I’m a very attractive woman.


Laverne: You’re not taking me seriously. I want you to make some effort with our communion today, you hear? And you’ve got to spend some time with the kids in the Sunday school class.
Lorraine: Do I have to?


Laverne: Yes, and be gentle with them this time! You can’t go round shouting at them!
Lorraine: They hadn’t heard of Shaft!






Lorraine: [Breaks wind]


Lorraine: God, that’s a smelly fart.
Laverne: I’m trying to eat.
Lorraine: Sorry.



Lorraine: Sulphur-like, you know?
Laverne: Eating.
Lorraine: Eggy.


Laverne: Excuse me; I’m going to go vomit.
Lorraine: Oh, you didn’t have to tell me that; I’m eating.


Lorraine: You alright?
Laverne: I’ll live. Come on, we’ve got to get to church.
Lorraine: You want to get some dirty magazines on the way back later?
Laverne: No!


Laverne: Alright, maybe a couple.




Laverne: So, did you hear the good news? One of our patrons saw Jesus’ face in her bathroom mirror!
Lorraine: Oh, yeah, I saw Jesus’ face in my cereal one morning.
Laverne: What did you do?
Lorraine: Ate it.
Laverne: Lorraine!
Lorraine: It was still my damn breakfast.


Laverne: You’ve got to take this job more seriously, Lorraine. The church desperately needs money.
Lorraine: What do you mean? We raised a lot of money for the church last year; I bought a cheesy sandwich maker.
Laverne: Do you feel no shame?
Lorraine: I’m not familiar with that word.


Laverne: Fine. Well, I hope you’re happy with your stupid cheesy sandwich maker.
Lorraine: Not really; I’ve never used it.
(Pause)
Lorraine: Don’t like cheese.


Lorraine: Let the church say amen!


Congregation: Amen!
Lorraine: Now, Jesus came to me in my dreams yesterday and told me to ask you for money.


Congregation: Praise be!


Lorraine: He said to me that I had to show you this film, to tell you all about how important it is that you donate to the church. Laverne, put on the film.


Laverne: Alright.


Presenter: The wonderful thing about the Excellent Anson Hot Beverage Maker is just how easy it is to make coffee. Just a click of the button and you’ll have a hot, frothing cappuccino to enjoy, to take the stresses of daily life away. But don’t just take it from me.


Woman #1: It’s the best thing in the world.


Woman #2: I don’t know where I’d be without it; I’d probably have killed myself.


Woman #3: I’m a lesbian, but I like coffee too!


Lorraine: Momma’s getting herself one of those coffeemakers.
Laverne: Do you even like coffee?
Lorraine: Not in the slightest.


Lorraine: Right, kids. Let’s get started. I’m here today to talk to you about a very important man who did some great things. His name is John Shaft.


Marcus: Who’s John Shaft?
Lorraine: He’s a complicated man, but no-one understands him but his woman.
Alison: Does he have anything to do with Jesus?
Lorraine: Not exactly, but he says Jesus’ name sometimes when he’s angry.
Chris: I thought we weren’t allowed to use Jesus’ name in vain.


Lorraine: Well, you can when you’re really angry. You can also say-








Lorraine: -when you’re really angry.


Lorraine: Bet you didn’t know that meant vagina.


Lorraine: Another Sunday school over, time to watch TV.


TV Ad: Hey, you!
Lorraine: Me?
TV Ad: Yes, you! Are you a vicar looking for some loving?
Lorraine: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
TV Ad: Then call Dial-A-Priest, where you can talk to sexy priests twenty four hours a day.


Lorraine: Ooh.


Laverne: Lorraine!
Lorraine: Oh, what now?


Lorraine: Oh, look at you. You’re such a beautiful coffeemaker, aren’t you? Look how you sit in the middle of our kitchen so majestically. Right, I fancy a tea. Is the kettle boiled?


Laverne: Do you want to talk about what happened at Sunday school?
Lorraine: Not if there’s the option not to, no.
Laverne: Lorraine.
Lorraine: I sense that you want me to say ‘yes’.
Laverne: Well done, Sherlock. Now, care to explain yourself?
Lorraine: Not if there’s the option not to, no.
Laverne: Lorraine!
Lorraine: But, once again, I sense that you want me to say ‘yes’.


Laverne: Here’s just a run-through of the complaints parents made.
Lorraine: I don’t see what it has to do with the parents, but okay.
Laverne: Instead of Jesus, you talked about Shaft.
Lorraine: A bit.
Laverne: You used the rude word for a lady’s front bottom in front of them.
Lorraine: What, her tits?


Laverne: That’s what you think a front bottom is?
Lorraine: Isn’t it?
Laverne: Moving on. You made one of the children cry.
Lorraine: No, I didn’t.


Ben: Your bum is big!


Lorraine: Well, your mother is a drug-addicted prostitute. Who’s laughing now?






Lorraine: Truth hurts.
Laverne: I want you to listen to me very carefully: you’re a horrible person.
Lorraine: Bit harsh. I did get us that coffeemaker.
Laverne: With church funds, and neither of us like coffee!
Lorraine: That’s beside the point.


Laverne: Look, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
Lorraine: I’m gonna go upstairs, then.
Laverne: Alright, but please think about what I said.
Lorraine: I assure you that from now on, I’ll be nothing but a good Christian.


Lorraine: Hello, is that Dial-A-Priest?


Laverne: I don’t know what I have to do, Tim. The woman’s a menace. Sometimes, I wonder if she’s even religious at all.


Lorraine: I know she doubts my faith, I can sense it. She doesn’t realise everything that I’ve done for her. Without me, she’d be much worse off.


Laverne: Without her, I’d be much better off. She’s never done anything for me, except land me in hot water with our patrons.


Lorraine: The only reason we were relocated here is because the village church we used to work in got too popular after I arrived. They were worried about overcrowding.


Laverne: The only reason we were relocated here is because she drove all our patrons off. She’s crazy.
Tim: Look, Laverne, I think you should talk to Lorraine.
Laverne: Why should I do that?
Tim: Well, for one, she’s right next to you.


Laverne: Oh, hey.
Lorraine: Sup.
Laverne: Didn’t see you there.
Tim: You arrived together!


Lorraine: Another drink, Tim?


Laverne: And me.
Tim: Sure, whatever.


Lorraine: Hey, Tim, how are you getting on with that dildo I bought you?
Tim: Not too bad, but it makes me as lonely as it does happy.


Laverne: A dildo? Where did you get that?
Lorraine: You asking out of shock or curiosity?
Laverne: Lorraine, please!
Lorraine: Amazon, where you can get all kinds of quality merchandise at affordable prices.
Laverne: We’re all aware of the great benefits you can reap shopping online with Amazon, but a dildo?


Lorraine: Yeah, he was mentioning that he wanted one, so I bought him one last Christmas.
Laverne: You bought somebody a dildo as a present on the day of our saviour’s birth?
Lorraine: Exactly that, yes.


Laverne: I despair with you, honestly.

The next morning




Lorraine: Morning.
Laverne: Morning.


Lorraine: You still mad at me?
Laverne: It’s easing off a little, but yes.
Lorraine: I’m sorry; I’ll make a better effort with the kids next time.
Laverne: It’s not just the kids, it’s everything.
Lorraine: Well, then, I’m sorry about everything else, too.
Laverne: It’s nice to hear you say that.
Lorraine: Are you still mad?
Laverne: Less mad.


Lorraine: I know I can be difficult sometimes.
Laverne: There’s an understatement.
Lorraine: Honestly, I don’t know how you put up with me.


Laverne: It’s simply a combination of my self-respect and spirituality.


Laverne: Hello, is that Dial-A-Priest?