Lorraine & Laverne - Episode 6 - Larissa






Announcer: We now return to Vivian and Vanessa.


Vivian: Hells, Vanessa, my new boyfriend be sayin’ I’m fat.
Vanessa: Girl, don’t you be listenin’ to him.
Vivian: Look at the time, we’d best be getting to church.
Vanessa: Mm hmm, you know I enjoy worship.
Vivian: Suit yourself; I just can’t wait to tell the patrons I found Jesus, and he wants us all to smoke pot!
Vanessa: You can’t be telling them you found Jesus! I won’t allow it!
Vivian: Girl, I’ma lock you in a coffin.


Lorraine: I love this show. Vivian is such a bitch.
Laverne: I know, right? What idiot would live with someone like that?
Lorraine: A real idiot.


[Knock at door]
Lorraine: Who the bejesus could that be?
Laverne: Only one way to find out.
Lorraine: No, don’t answer it! It could be a murderer, or that person who’s been traumatising the local kids.
Laverne: That’s you.


Lorraine: Oh yeah. Hah. You should see the looks on their faces. It’s not been so good lately though; they’ve finally exhausted all their alternate routes home, so they’ve just stopped going out.
(Pause)
Lorraine: What?
Laverne: You’re a vicar.
Lorraine: Your point being?


Laverne: Who is it – can you see?


Lorraine: It’s a strange black woman.
Laverne: Good, now try rephrasing that.


Lorraine: It’s a black woman.
Laverne: No.
Lorraine: It’s a black.
Laverne: Lorraine, you’re black – why do you need to point out that she’s black?
Lorraine: Because she’s not white.


Lorraine: What do you want?
Larissa: Hey, I’m Larissa. I’m the new vicar over in the next parish. I thought I’d come by and say hello.
Lorraine: Hello.
Laverne: Hello.
Larissa: Hello.


Lorraine: Okay, that’s over with.


[Door slams]

Shortly


Laverne: Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Larissa. And don’t mind Lorraine, she likes to get comfortable after a certain hour.



Laverne: So, what do you get up to?
Larissa: Well, mostly I spend my time praying, doing charity work and volunteering at the homeless shelter.
Lorraine: Ugh, why do you do all that?
Laverne: Because she’s a vicar; and that’s the kind of thing we do, Lorraine.
Larissa: What do you do?
Lorraine: I mostly just watch porn.

Later


Laverne: Well, I seem to say this about seven hundred times a day, but I’m extremely ashamed of you, Lorraine, and put some clothes on.


Lorraine: Firstly, I refuse to put clothes on, on the grounds that it is a privilege for you to see me in my underwear. Would you ask them to throw a sheet over the Mona Lisa?
Laverne: If the Mona Lisa was just you naked, then yes.
Lorraine: Secondly, you’ve done just as many bad things to me as I have to you.
Laverne: Name one.
Lorraine: May 11, 2008!




Laverne: [Breaks wind]


Lorraine: Ugh!
Laverne: I am terribly sorry. That took me entirely by surprise – I didn’t mean for it to happen. Do forgive me.




Lorraine: An unspeakable sin!
Laverne: I only broke wind, and I apologised to you over and over for the next six months!
Lorraine: It didn’t heal the pain, Laverne.
Laverne: The pain? You’d farted just two minutes earlier!
Lorraine: That’s beside the point.


Laverne: That’s it – I’m going out!
Lorraine: Where?
Laverne: I don’t know, just anywhere that isn’t here!
Lorraine: Are you coming back?
Laverne: Don’t be surprised if I don’t!






Lorraine: Might as well put some clothes on now; no fun being naked if no-one’s in the house.




Tim: What’s the matter, Laverne? You seem down.
Laverne: It’s Lorraine. I’m at my wit’s end with her. I’ve never known anyone so unreasonable.
Tim: I’m sorry to hear that. I’m so lucky to have Channing. We go everywhere together; the park, restaurants, even on holiday.


Laverne: Isn’t Channing… your dildo?


Tim: Don’t make it weird.

Next morning




Lorraine: Look, Laverne. I’m sorry about last ni-




Lorraine: Laverne?


Larissa: Morning, sleepyhead! I’m making a nice pot of tea and some toast, if you want some.
Laverne: Oh, that sounds lovely, thank you.


Laverne: I really don’t know where to start with Lorraine – she drives me up the wall.
Larissa: Sounds like it.
Laverne: Among her greatest enemies are a six year-old child and a ninety-seven year old woman.
Larissa: What did they do to her?
Laverne: They looked at her funny.


Laverne: And then there was the time she got the high-score on the pinball machine at the arcade, and she didn’t want anybody else to get it, so she burned the place down.
Larissa: Dear me.
Laverne: It gets worse. One Christmas, we couldn’t find a convincing doll to be Jesus in the church nativity play, so she stole a woman’s baby.


Larissa: Sounds like she gives you a hard time.
Laverne: A hard time? Once, I was watching her sleeping, and actually contemplated smothering her with my pillow.


Larissa: Laverne, it sounds like you need a hug.
Laverne: You know what, Larissa? I do.


Larissa: Come here.


Larissa: Laverne, I’m sorry if this seems a bit rash, but I’d like to ask you something.
Laverne: Go on.
Larissa: It’s a big parish – I could do with a partner.
Laverne: Oh, I don’t know if I could leave Lorraine. God knows how she’s getting on without me, even now.
Larissa: Oh, I’m sure she’s just fine.


Lorraine: Hello, fire brigade please. Yes, I’d like to report a fire in my kitchen.


Lorraine: Actually, I’d describe it as a raging inferno now.


Lorraine: You’ll be ten minutes? Okay, I’ll wait.









Larissa: Come on, Laverne. You’re such a wonderful person – you don’t need someone like Lorraine in your life.
Laverne: I don’t know if I could leave her, though.
Larissa: Laverne, don’t take this the wrong way, but from what you’ve told me, Lorraine is a selfish, lying, sadistic, unappreciative, insulting, child-hating, elderly-hating, relationship-destroying, reputation-ruining, donation-stealing, patron-manipulating, scandal-generating bitch.


Laverne: Yeah, who am I kidding? You just found your new partner.


Laverne: Okay, just a quick stop off and – why is there a fire engine outside the house?





Laverne: Lorraine, what is going on?
Lorraine: Oh, I tried to wash the dishes, and there was a small inferno. No biggie.


Laverne: Look, Lorraine, I’ve got something to tell you.
Lorraine: Then tell me it.
Laverne: I’m leaving.
Lorraine: What?
Laverne: I’m moving in with Larissa, and we’re going to serve her parish together.
Lorraine: You’re leaving me?
Laverne: I’m afraid so. You’re just too much for me to handle, and I’ve had enough now.


Lorraine: But I’ll miss you, Laverne.
Laverne: And I’ll miss you too, in a kind of way.
Lorraine: You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.
Laverne: Well, I’m flattered. I don’t want any hard feelings, and I hope we can remain friends.
Lorraine: Of course.
Laverne: I’ll just get my things, then.


Larissa: So, how did she take it?
Laverne: Quite well, considering.
Larissa: You’re better off, believe me.
Laverne: Well, it does make a nice change to watch something other than Shaft.


Larissa: Oh, The L Word, I love this show.
Laverne: I’ve, uh, never seen it.


Laverne: Whoa, what was that?
Larissa: Nothing, just a friendly grope!


Laverne: Are you a lesbian?!
Larissa: No!


Larissa: Alright, yes.

Laverne: Look, I’m fine with that, but I don’t feel the same way. I’m straight, Larissa.
Larissa: What? I thought you were – you know – with Lorraine!
Laverne: No, we’re just friends!
Larissa: Oh, come on! Two female friends just living together?
Laverne: We’re friends, honestly!
Larissa: Oh.
Laverne: I’m sorry, Larissa. I wish you all the best, but I’m not what you’re looking for.


Laverne: Oh, why are all the good ones gay?!


[Knock on door]


Laverne: Hey, Lorraine.


Lorraine: Laverne!


Lorraine: Can I get you anything? I know the kitchen’s burned down, but I can order pizza, if you want, or Chinese! Do you want to go out to eat? We can do whatever you want! We can practise our sermon for Sunday, if you like. I just don’t want you to leave me again! I promise to be a better person!


Laverne: You want to be a better person? First thing tomorrow, we’re taking back everything you bought with church
donations.
Lorraine: Of course! In fact, why don’t we do it right now?
Laverne: It can wait until morning.
Lorraine: What do you want to do now?
Laverne: What do we always do?

Lorraine and Laverne: He’s a complicated man, but no-one understands him but his woman. John Shaft!