Sim Sketch Episode 1

At this stately home in Hampshire, two gardeners are hard at work.

This is Lord Fart’s nephew Fart Junior. His uncle had no children so his house was left to this American Idiot, see what I did there? Geddit? Geddit? No? Ok…

Servant: Your Lordship, your breakfast is served.
Fart Jr: Thank you Snevvys.
Servant: Snevilles sir.
Fart Jr: Bless you.

Fart Jr: Holy Schmoly! There appears to be a dog’s head on the wall!
Servant: That’s a moose sir.
Fart Jr: A moose? I thought they came in little tubs!
Servant: You’re thinking of mousse sir.
Fart Jr: I am? [Points at moose head] Then what’s that?
Servant: A moose.
Fart Jr: Same thing isn’t it?
Servant: Quite different sir.

Fart Jr: Holy Schmoly-
Servant: Again…
Fart Jr: What’s that out there?
Servant: A cow sir.
Fart Jr: What on earth is a cow?
Servant: An animal sir.

Fart Jr: [Points at moose head] Then what’s that?
Servant: A moose sir.
Fart Jr: Cows and moose’s? Get rid of them right away! And what on earth is THAT? It’s hideous!
Servant: That’s a mirror sir.

Fart Jr: I’ll want that down right away! I’ll be back when you’ve seen to it!
Servant: [Under breath] You’re the moose sir…

This is an old bitch by the name of ‘Mrs’ Clark, I use quotation marks around ‘Mrs’ because everyone knows she’s a bloke really, either that or she’s just hideously ugly…and has a hose.

Mrs. Clark: Bloomin’ hell ref, you blind or what?
[Knock at door]
Mrs. Clark: Now who the ‘eck could that be?

An old woman is at the door

Mrs. Clark: Oh ‘ello Mrs Everly, that old git of an ‘usband late ‘ome is he? Bloomin’ ‘ell, come in then…
Mrs. Everly: [Laughs] No Babs he’s home.
Mrs. Clark: I ‘ate bein’ called that. Call me Barbara you mental old cow, I know your memory loss is upon you an’ all that but it’s no excuse for forgettin’ people’s names is it you silly mere?

Mrs. Everly: I’m sorry Barbara; I thought you told me you liked Babs.
Mrs. Clark: Where’d you get a silly idea like that? Christ, bloomin’ forgetful cow…
Mrs. Everly: Sorry, can I have a cup of tea?
Mrs. Clark: No, you ain’t stayin’ here that long.
Mrs. Everly: Oh.

Mrs. Clark: So what is it you want?
Mrs. Everly:
I just came over to say hello, as good neighbours do.
Mrs. Clark:
Do they?
Mrs. Everly:
Yes, I’m sure you have your reasons for not visiting us of course.
Mrs. Clark:
Yeah, you’re both borin’ old farts.
Mrs. Everly:
Now now, there’s no need for that is there?
Mrs. Clark:
No need for what dear?
Mrs. Everly:
Nothing, I’d better be going Barbara.
Mrs. Clark:
Why’d you call me that? You know I ‘ate that! Bloomin’ forgetful old cow…
Mrs. Everly:
But I thought you-
Mrs. Clark:
Out!

Mrs. Clark: Ah… peace, bloody noisy cow...

Mrs. Clark: [Yelling] Come on ref, you blind idiot!

At this Secondary School in Burton, Mr Blankford is preparing supply teacher Mr Campton, for class. Mr Campton is gay, like the name?.

Mr. Blankford: So this is your lesson plan, hope you have fun.
Mr. Campton: I will, and thanks for showing me the ropes sir.
Mr. Blankford: No problem.
Mr. Campton: I like a man who knows what’s what.
Mr. Blankford: Right…
Mr. Campton: Ah, modest, how cute.

Mr. Blankford: And you know where the fire hose is, should you need it?
Mr. Campton: No, why don’t you show me where your fire hose is…
Mr. Blankford: It’s right in the cupboard, with the balls.
Mr. Campton: Are they big balls sir?
Mr. Blankford: They’re footballs, so they’re football size.

Mr. Blankford: They’re kept in the ball bag, should you need them.
Mr. Campton: Does your ball bag dangle sir?
Mr. Blankford: No, it sits in the cupboard.
Mr. Campton: Well why don’t you unlock your cupboard and show me your balls.
Mr. Blankford: I can’t, Mr. Lanham has the keys.
Mr. Campton: Mr. Lanham’s been having fun with your balls?.

This is an apartment, apartments are quite common things. I have an apartment, although I’m getting a bit annoyed, the butcher keeps putting his sausage through my letterbox.

This woman writes the relationships column in the New York Times.

Sally: [Typing] Hello… readers… today…
Mike: [Enters room] Sally, we need to talk.
Sally: Sorry hon, can’t.
Mike: It’s about us.
Sally: [Typing] About… us…
Mike: I think we need to talk about our relationship.
Sally: [Typing] I… think… we…
Mike: I feel that you’re too absorbed in your work and you don’t have enough time for me.
Sally: [Typing] Too… absorbed…
Mike: Honey, are you even listening to me?
Sally: [Typing] Are… you… even…
Mike: Sal!

Sally: Whoa, what’s up hon?
Mike: Honey, I feel that…
Sally: Wait! Could you hold that thought for a second? [Typing] Honey… I… feel… that…
Mike: Sal!
Sally: What is it darl?
Mike: You’re not listening to me!
Sally: Well you’re not listening to me! You’re talking too fast for me to type!

Mike: Why are you typing what I’m saying?
Sally: For my column of course!
Mike: Why are you doing that?
Sally: Because our relationship is so full of arguments! You have more mood swings than the women who read this crap!

Mike: Sally I don’t like our relationship being sold to every menopausal woman in New York, I want you to stop it now, do you hear me?
Sally: Of course! Sorry.
Mike: Right, I’m going to feed the cat.
Sally: [Typing] Going… to… feed… cat…
Mike: Sally!

This is a church. The quiet village of Llancyst Lumpe have recently lost their quiet, refined vicar to old age.

They were sent a replacement with the most similar personality they could find.

Vicar Lorraine: HALLELUJAH!

Although I think there may have been a typo somewhere…

Vicar Lorraine: Hear me now! I is Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne Jesus Praiselord! I am here to save this village, to save everybody in this church!

Vicar Lorraine: So that shouldn’t be too hard... You see, God looked down from heaven, and he chose me! Me people! I was the one sent to save this village!
Man: Well at the moment you’re giving me an earache, could you keep it down?

Vicar Lorraine: You… is the devil.
Man: Excuse me?
Vicar Lorraine: You is the Judith!
Man: Don’t you mean Judas?
Vicar Lorraine: I knows what I means!

Man: I am a highly religious man, so I don't take kindly to being called the devil! In fact, I think, if anyone’s the devil, it’s you!
Vicar Lorraine: You is the devil!
Man: No, you are!
Vicar Lorraine: I… is Jesus.
Man: Don’t be ridiculous!
Vicar Lorraine: Devil!

Old Lady: I really don’t think you’re being very nice to Mr. Bradley vicar.
Vicar Lorraine: You ma’am, you is the devil.
Old Lady: How dare you!
Vicar Lorraine: How dare you infect this holy place with your stinking devilish ass! Get out, before the candles explode!
Old Lady: How dare you! I’m leaving.
Vicar Lorraine: Go on, leave! Devil woman.

Man: That was uncalled for! She was only making a point!
Vicar Lorraine: [Mouths] Devil!

What a bitch eh? Anyway, that concludes this episode. I hope you enjoyed that. If not, nobody cares. Goodbye!