Sim Sketch Episode 2

This is a park; parks are common things, as are paper cups, napkins, cola cans, empty bottles and dogs.

Man: I really don’t see what you’re going on about, I love you.
Woman: Then who was she?
Man: I told you, she’s a work colleague.
Woman: You can’t fool me with that crap! I’ve seen Sim Street; I know what a ‘work colleague’ is!
Man: [Under breath] Damn you Sim Street!

Sally: [From behind bush; typing] Damn… Sim… Street…
Woman: Who was that?
Sally: Crap!
Man: I think it’s the bush!
Sally: [Running] Crap! Crap! Crap!
Woman: It’s a very rude bush.

Man: It’s amazing! We’ve found a talking bush!
Woman: You do realise what this means right?
Man: Yes! We’re rich!
Woman: No. You’re an idiot.

Sally: [From behind a tree] You’re… an… idiot…
Man: Well that tree thinks you’re an idiot.
Woman: I swear to God…

Sara: There appears to be a man having a conversation with a tree in the park.

Mya: Ah, another one.
Yolande: [Laughs] The things people do nowadays…
Sara: Indeed, the youth of today are simply not right.
Mya: It certainly wasn’t a youth I caught making love to my fig tree yesterday! He must’ve been ninety!
Sara: A ninety year old man was making love to your fig tree?
Mya: Indeed, don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how.
Sara: I wasn’t going to!
Yolande: [Laughs] Did he leave your fig tree in one piece Mya?
Sara: Enough! Let’s just continue with our knitting without this talk.

Mya: [Knits]
Sara: Not a word.
Mya: Wha-?
Sara: I don’t want to hear about it.
Mya: I wasn’t-
Sara: Uh! Not a word!
Mya: [Returns to knitting]
Sara: Was he naked?
Mya: Yes actually, it was quite unsightly!
Sara: Mya I don’t want to hear!
Mya: But-
Sara: Shh!

Sara: I don’t want to hear a thing about it.
Mya: Oka-
Sara: Not a single thing!
Mya: Alright.
Sara: Did he have a hairy arse?

Man: I know you can talk! Talk tree, talk!

Yes we’re back here again.

Woman: Give it up you silly idiot, the tree doesn’t talk.
Sally: [Typing] Silly… idiot…
Man: It does! See? It just spoke!

At St. Jack Russell’s school in Burton, the lunchtime bell has just rung.

Mr. Campton: Hi!
Mr. Blankford: Hello.
Mr. Campton: What have you got for lunch?
Mr. Blankford: A sausage.
Mr. Campton: Is it a big sausage sir?
Mr. Blankford: It’s… sausage size.
Mr. Campton: Can I see your sausage sir?
Mr. Blankford: Er… if you want.
At this Secondary School in Burton, Mr Blankford is preparing supply teacher Mr Campton, for class. Mr Campton is gay, like the name?.

Mr. Campton: You have a big sausage sir!
Mr. Blankford: Erm…
Mr. Campton: May I hold your big sausage sir?
Mr. Blankford: Why?
Inspector: [Enters room] Hello!
Mr. Blankford: Ah hello Mrs. Bigley. Did you find my class to be up to standard?
Mr. Campton: Er, could you come back later; sir was just showing me his sausage.

Inspector: Well I was wondering if I could borrow Mr. Blankford for a few minutes, is that okay?
Mr. Blankford: Y-
Mr. Campton: No.
Inspector: Excuse me?
Mr. Campton: Yes of course, take him!
Inspector: Thank you.

Mr. Campton: Slut!

In Llancyst Lumpe, Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne Jesus Praiselord is taking a sermon.

Vicar Lorraine: So God said to Mary, you will become pregnant with the son of God. You must tell your husband this, and you must both travel to Harlem, where he will be born-
Woman: Actually, it was Bethlehem Vicar.
Vicar Lorraine: Excuse me?
Woman: Mary and Joseph travelled to Bethlehem, not Harlem.
Vicar Lorraine: Who’s telling the story?
Woman: Well, you are but-
Vicar Lorraine: Exactly, and I’ll tell it how I wants to ma’am.
Woman: Yes, but-
Vicar Lorraine: But what?
Woman: That’s not how it goes!
Vicar Lorraine: You know what you is ma’am?
Woman: What?
Vicar Lorraine: You, you is the devil.

Woman: Excuse me?
Vicar Lorraine: You ma’am, is the Judith!
Woman: What?
Vicar Lorraine: What’s your name ma’am?
Woman: Margaret.
Vicar Lorraine: That name is the devil!
Woman: What? Why?
Vicar Lorraine: Ever heard of Margaret Thatcher?
Woman: Yes of course, why?
Vicar Lorraine: Because she, ma’am, is the devil!

I’ll tell you who else are the devil, these three teens.

Sasha: [Singing] You wanna wake up with a smile every day…
Becky: [Singing] If life was perfect things would be that way…
Carla: [Singing] Instead you wake up to the sound of a beat…
All three: [Singing] And wonder why you don’t just stay asleep…
Woman Next Door: Will you three keep it down! You sing like rabid cats!

Becky: Shut up you old bitch!
Woman Next Door: Oi, I heard that!
Becky: Nobody cares!

Sasha: So what you two been up to lately then?
Carla: Nothing much.
Becky: I named the toilet.
Carla: Mum always said you weren’t normal.
Becky: So what? I never denied it!
Sasha: What did you name it?
Carla: She only went and named it after a housemate offa last summer’s Big Brother didn’t she.
Sasha: Did she?
Carla: Yeah, you don’t wanna know what “bombing lake Nikki” means.
Becky: Oi, I am here!

Woman Next Door: Will you three keep it down!?
Becky: Oi shut it you old cow!
Woman Next Door: Right, that’s it! I’m coming over there!
[Thud]
Becky: You forgot you ain’t got any legs again, didn’t you, you old tart!?

Sasha: [Singing] I’m not shy on Monday…
Becky: [Singing] Tuesday’s always good for me…
Carla: [Singing] You can try on Wednesday…
Woman Next Door: SHUT UP!

And that concludes our second step towards insanity, watching an episode of this probably has much the same effect of sticking your head in the toilet and pulling the flush. Alas…goodbye!