Sim Sketch Episode 3

In this school in Burton, Mr. Blankford is emptying last night’s curry into the toilet.

Mr. Campton: [Entering toilet] Hello?
Mr. Blankford: Hey, I’ll be [farts] with you in a [farts] minute!
Mr. Campton: Ooh, sounds bad.
Mr. Blankford: It’s [farts] terrible.

Mr. Blankford: What are you [farts] doing in here anyway?
Mr. Campton: Oh, I was going to try and teach the toilets how to sing.
Mr. Blankford: [Farts]
Mr. Campton: But I’ll do that later as you’re in your present state.
Mr. Blankford: Thank you.
Mr. Campton: No probs. See you in a bit.
Mr. Blankford: [Farts] yeah.
Mr. Campton: [Leaving toilet] Yuck!
[A long, loud fart issues from the toilet]
Mr. Campton: I think I’m gonna be sick…

Mrs. Clark: Come on ref, it really isn’t that hard.
[Cheering from television]
Mrs. Clark: Something’s hard though ref!
[Knock at door]
Mrs. Clark: Who the ‘eck?

Mrs. Clark: Oh hello Mr. Branning.
Mr. Branning: Hello Mrs. Clark! Haven’t called in a while!
Mrs. Clark: Do come into the lounge. [Under breath] I had to open the bloody door didn’t I…

Mr. Branning: So how’s life treating you these days? Enjoying your golden years?
Mrs. Clark: No, it’s crap.
Mr. Branning: Really? I’m having a great time! We’re playing golf on Saturday, you really should come!
Mrs. Clark: I don’t like golf.
Mr. Branning: Oh, we have a skittle match next week if that’s more your cup of tea.
Mrs. Clark: I don’t like skittles.
Mr. Branning: Oh, we’re playing pool next weekend if you’d like to join us then.
Mrs. Clark: I can’t swim.
Mr. Branning: No, table pool, you can come and watch.
Mrs. Clark: I can’t see.

Mr. Branning: Oh, I didn’t know that, well you could come to our karaoke night, have a listen to us making fools of ourselves!
Mrs. Clark: I can’t hear.
Mr. Branning: Oh, I didn’t know that.
Mrs. Clark: What?

Mr. Branning: [Louder] I didn’t know that!
Mrs. Clark: [Louder] What?
Mr. Branning: I should really go Mrs. Clark; I’m meeting Jim for lunch.
Mrs. Clark: Who’s Jim- I mean what?
Mr. Branning: Jim’s my wife’s brother, we’re great friends!
Mrs. Clark: Oh, married are we? Everyone’s married but me.
Mr. Branning: You were married Mrs. Clark.
Mrs. Clark: [Sighs] I know...

Mr. Branning: Right, now where was I?
Mrs. Clark: Leaving.
Mr. Branning: Are you quite sure you don’t want to drop by karaoke? It’ll be a right laugh!
Mrs. Clark: I’d rather hear a chorus of cats singing flat.
Mr. Branning: Oh.
Mrs. Clark: In fact I’m going to do that now, Songs of Praise is on.
Mr. Branning: Oh.
Mrs. Clark: Two ‘oh’s, goodness you’re stupid, and that was your cue to leave by the way.
Mr. Branning: Excuse me?
Mrs. Clark: Get out!

Mrs. Clark: Stuff Songs of Praise.

Mrs. Clark: [Yelling] Come on ref! Get your Willard out!

Mr. Campton: Exactly how long are you gonna be in there?
Mr. Blankford: [Farts]
Mr. Campton: That doesn’t answer my question! How long are you gonna be in there?
Mr. Blankford: [Farts]
Mr. Campton: [Annoyed] When are you gonna be out?
Mr. Blankford: [Farts].

Mr. Campton: Look, I’m getting a little fed up with this attitude!
Mr. Blankford: [Farts]

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea- oops wrong line. In this beautiful village in the heart of Wales, the lovely new Vicar, Lorraine, is going from door to door- no, that can’t be right. In this abandoned old slate outage in the middle of Wales, the village’s newest bitch is out collecting money. Yes, that sounds better.

Vicar Lorraine: Hello Mrs Llewellyn!
Mrs. Llewellyn: Hello Vicar! How are you today?
Vicar Lorraine: I’m alright. You?
Mrs. Llewellyn: Never better thanks!
Vicar Lorraine: Good! Now, I’m collecting money for the er… church roof.
Mrs. Llewellyn: That got done last year, didn’t it?
Vicar Lorraine: That’s what I said. But Jesus came to me in a dream and said to me, Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne Jesus Praiselord, you, yes you, will be the one to repair the sacred roof of the church.

Mrs. Llewellyn: Jesus said that?
Vicar Lorraine: Yes indeedy, so how much will you pledge?
Mrs. Llewellyn: Umm, how about five pounds vicar?
Vicar Lorraine: Five pounds, five little pounds? Lady, are you losing your mind with age or are you just a bitch?
Mrs. Llewellyn: Excuse me?
Vicar Lorraine: Five pounds? For Jesus? You selfish heathen woman!
Mrs. Llewellyn: I’m sorry, how’s ten pounds?
Vicar Lorraine: Ten pounds? Ten tiny pounds? You ma’am is cheap!

Mrs. Llewellyn: I will not stand for this!
Vicar Lorraine: You know what you is ma’am?
Mrs. Llewellyn: What?
Vicar Lorraine: You ma’am, is the devil!
Mrs. Llewellyn: I beg your pardon?
Vicar Lorraine: You is the Judith! Here, take this!
Mrs. Llewellyn: A business card?
Vicar Lorraine: Read it.
Mrs. Llewellyn: [Reads] If I’ve given this to you, you is the devil.
Vicar Lorraine: That’s right ma’am, the devil!
Mrs. Llewellyn: How dare you! How many of these have you given out?
Vicar Lorraine: One thousand, three hundred and thirty eight.
Mrs. Llewellyn: But why?
Vicar Lorraine: Because lady, if indeed you are a lady, they is all the devil!
Mrs. Llewellyn: That’s ridiculous! And yes I am a lady! Hello? Hello?

Mr. Campton: Hello?
Mr. Blankford: [Farts] Hello.
Mr. Campton: Is your arse not empty yet?
Mr. Blankford: [Farts]
Mr. Campton: Apparently not. Thing is, it is rather late now.
[Toilet flushes]
Mr. Campton: Ah good-
[Toilet flushes]
Mr. Campton: Can we go home-
[Toilet flushes]
Mr. Blankford: [Exiting cubicle] Sorry about that, there was rather a lot.
Mr. Campton: How… nice.

Mr. Blankford: My wife’s curry, it always does this to me.
Mr. Campton: What?
Mr. Blankford: My wife’s-
Mr. Campton: You’re married?
Mr. Blankford: Yes, didn’t I tell you?
Mr. Campton: No you didn’t!
Mr. Blankford: Does it matter?
Mr. Campton: Yes it does!
Mr. Blankford: Why?
Mr. Campton: Because I- I-
Mr. Blankford: Have a terrible stammer?
Mr. Campton: No!
Mr. Blankford: Then what?
Mr. Campton: I- I- you should’ve told me! [Storms out]

Mr. Blankford: What? Why? … Oh no, oh it can’t be- no-

While we leave him to paint the toilet an oaken colour, I have something to say. If you are enjoying this series, please say so in the forums, if you’re in possession of more than two brain cells however and aren’t, you can email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . Bye!

Mr. Blankford: Aargh! No! [Farts]