Sim Sketch Episode 4

This is a car, cars are the new horses, they’re very much like horses, except they have wheels instead of legs, they don’t gallop, they have no mane, no hair, they don’t whinny, they’re not living and their exhaust is a killer but somehow smells better and they’re generally metal, so, similar to horses, but not quite the same..

Philip: Well, it was a cold winter night. What type of night was it Michael?
Michael: A cold winter one.
Philip: So I was out on my bike. What was I out on Michael?
Michael: Bike.
Philip: Which bike was it Michael?
Michael: I dunno you haven’t said.
Philip: I was out on the green bike. What was I out on Michael?
Michael: Green bike.

Philip: So then I heard a noise. What did I hear Michael?
Michael: Noise.
Philip: It was a really odd strange hissing from something which could have been anything from a tire going down to a balloon being deflated by someone letting it go, I couldn't quite tell. What type of noise was it Michael?
Michael: A really odd strange hissing from something which could have been anything from a tire going down to a balloon being deflated by someone letting it go, you couldn't quite tell.

Philip: We’re nearly there. What are we Michael?
Michael: Nearly there.
Philip: Where are we nearly Michael?
Michael: Dunno, where are we?
Philip: No idea, I was asking you.

Perhaps they’d be better off not knowing where they are.

Mr. Campton: Mr. Blankford.
Mr. Blankford: Mr. Campton, I think we need to talk.
Mr. Campton: About what?
Mr. Blankford: Last night.
Mr. Campton: What about last night?

Mr. Blankford: You stormed out when I said I had a wife! Why?
Mr. Campton: Why did I storm out when you said you had a slut-
Mr. Blankford: -wife-
Mr. Campton: -wife- because I did.
Mr. Blankford: But why?
Mr. Campton: Because I- I-
Mr. Blankford: Because you…?
Mr. Campton: I- I… I would like to nibble your nozzle sir.
Mr. Blankford: What?
Mr. Campton: I’d like to munch your sausage.
Mr. Blankford: Oh, well I have two for lunch, you can have one.
Mr. Campton: Yes, that’s what I meant…

Meanwhile…

Mrs. Clark: It’s inevitable that it will happen-
[Listens]
Mrs. Clark: -at some point-
[Listens]
Mrs. Clark: -somebody will, I just know it-
[Listens]
Mrs. Clark: -any time now-
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Clark: Bastards.

Philip: The car sounds a bit tired. How does the car sound Michael?
Michael: A bit tired.
Philip: The engine’s making a squealing noise. What kind of a noise is it making Michael?
Michael: Squealing.
Philip: Squealing what Michael?
Michael: Noise.

Philip: I think it’s going to break down. What do I think it’s going to do Michael?
Michael: Break down.
Philip: The bonnet’s smoking. What’s the bonnet doing Michael?

Michael: [Looks up] It’s on fire.

Philip: No, that’s not the correct answer is it Michael?
Michael: No, but-
Philip: Is it Michael?
Michael: No but it’s-
Philip: What did I say the bonnet was doing Michael?
Michael: It’s on fire!
Philip: No, that wasn’t what I said is it Michael?
Michael: [Sighs] No.
Philip: No, what did I say Michael?
Michael: The bonnet is smoking.
Philip: Good. Now the bonnet’s on fire. What is the bonnet now Michael?

This is an office; a new woman is starting work today so the office has lain out their usual tradition of doing nothing when a new person arrives.

After a few hours of extensive thinking, we think this woman may have lied a little in her CV.
“I’m very sharp, I always spot things fast. If I’m working in a group, I’m always the first one to notice things.”

Harriet: Hi there! I’m new, where do I go to sign in?

“I get on well with new people; I think I’m very good in social situations that involve chatting to new faces.”

Harriet: Hi!
Alan: Hi.
Harriet: I’m Harriet, what’s your name?
Alan: I’m Peter Burns.
Harriet: Well hi Pete Burns, nice to meet you!
Alan: Only joking, I’m actually Alan Smith.
Harriet: You’re a freak, do you know that?

“I’m very good with computers, if someone is stuck or if a computer needs fixing, I’m the one to sort it!”

Harriet: How do I get this computer to turn on? There must be a way! Alan?
Alan: What do you want, mistress bitch?
Harriet: Could you help me get this computer to turn on?
Alan: Press the round button on the front.

Harriet: Nope, nothing happened. Are you sure that was the right button Alan?

Philip: I’m calling the fire brigade. Who am I calling Michael?
Michael: Fire brigade.

Mr. Blankford: -and this tribe is most commonly known to use what Sam?
Sam: The Bazooka?
Mr. Blankford: Correct, the bazooka-
[Mr. Campton enters the classroom]
Mr. Blankford: Yes Mr. Campton?
Mr. Campton: Class dismissed.
Mr. Blankford: But-
Mr. Campton: Class dismissed.

Mr. Blankford: What do you want Mr. Campton?
Mr. Campton: What were you teaching them about?
Mr. Blankford: The Myuno tribe.
Mr. Campton: Oh, how interesting.
Mr. Blankford: I always thought so. They’re famous for using a bazooka-
Mr. Campton: Did you say bazooka sir?
Mr. Blankford: That’s right, a bazooka, they hide in the Sanjon hills, better known as the hills of hope, and attack enemy tribes with their bazookas.
Mr. Campton: Would you like to stick your bazooka in my hills of hope sir?

Mr. Campton: Drop your bazooka in my forbidden well.
Mr. Blankford: Forbidden well?
Mr. Campton: Yes, and it’s very, very deep.
Mr. Blankford: Is there water at the bottom of it?
Mr. Campton: They’ll be no water in it until you drop your bazooka in, sir.
Mr. Blankford: Won’t there?
Mr. Campton: No.
Mr. Blankford: Does my bazooka emit water?
Mr. Campton: Yes, much, much water.
Mr. Blankford: Is it drinkable?
Mr. Campton: Erm…

I know it’s crap but I’m still airing it, if you wish to tell me of how crap it is, please make a post entitled “I think it’s crap” with the words “I think it’s crap” in the DownTownies forum. I’m sure I’ll get the message.