Sim Sketch Episode 5

Welcome to another episode of Sim Sketch. In this school in Burton, recently named Tramp’s Ville, a story is about to begin.

Mr. Blankford: So tell me the story of how you came out.

Mr. Campton: It was way back in the eighties… I was very beautiful back then, I had lovely long hair…

Mr. Campton: I wasn’t much of a player; I was always very secretive about my sexuality.

Mr. Campton:I don’t think anyone suspected a thing, I hid it well.
Mr. Blankford: By openly kissing boys in public?
Mr. Campton: No- but- shut up!
Mr. Blankford: Sorry, continue.

Mr. Campton: I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to be open about my sexuality, I had to live as freely as I wanted, and get the boy action I wanted!
Mr. Blankford: Because Lord knows you hardly got any as it was.
Mr. Campton: Shut up!
Mr. Blankford: Sorry!

Mr. Campton: Anyway, I decided I had to tell my friends about my sexuality, so I gathered them around.
Mr. Blankford: You gathered them around? What are you, Jesus?
Mr. Campton: Will you stop interrupting my story!?
Mr. Blankford: Sorry, I’ll stop.
Mr. Campton: Good. Now, I gathered my friends around and started to speak-
Mr. Blankford: -of the many bread and fishes that could be given to those poor-
Mr. Campton: Shut up!

Mr. Campton: Right, now where were we? Oh yes, I gathered my friends around-
Mr. Blankford: Says he for the third time-
Mr. Campton: I swear to God-
Mr. Blankford: Okay okay! I’ll stop!
Mr. Campton: You had better!
Mr. Blankford: Or the Lord mighty shall bring forth a thunderbolt upon my house-
Mr. Campton: Right, that’s it, prepare to be beaten with your own board ruler!

Mr. Campton: Come here!
Mr. Blankford: [Laughs] Not bloody likely!
Mr. Campton: [Laughs] Get here! I wanna smack you one!
Mr. Blankford: [Laughs]
Mr. Campton: [Laughs]

Mr. Blankford: You look nice when you laugh.
Mr. Campton: Yeah I- what?

Vicar Lorraine: Let the church say amen!
Congregation: Amen.
Vicar Lorraine: Now, as you know, the church is holding a fate in the graveyard at the weekend, to help raise money for me- uh- the churches er- roof.

Vicar Lorraine: Now, who here feels that they, yes they, must make a donation to this here wonderful, wonderful church?
Old Lady: Excuse me?
Vicar Lorraine: An old woman is speaking to me. What does you want ma’am?
Old Lady: The church roof doesn’t need re-doing, it got done last summer.
Vicar Lorraine: Oh, is that so lady? Is that so? Are these the unholy words that the devil, yes the devil, told you to speak?
Old Lady: Excuse me?
Vicar Lorraine: You lady, you is the worst, we must pity, pity people like this woman! She is inhabited by the devil!
Old Lady: How dare you!
Vicar Lorraine: How dare I? How dare I?
Old Lady: Yes!

Vicar Lorraine: How dare you, yes you lady! You have sinned, you are the heathen among these holy people, we is all holy people, ‘cept you [looks around the room] and him, over there.
Old Lady: What’s wrong with him?
Vicar Lorraine: He has his hands down the man next to him’s trousers!
Old Lady: So? He might be gay.
Vicar Lorraine: How dare you lady, how dare you! How dare, how dare-
Old Lady: Get to the point.
Vicar Lorraine: How dare you-
Old Lady: The point!
Vicar Lorraine: How dare you bring about your unholy self in this place of holiness, how dare you, how dare you bring your unholy wrinkled old butt into the holy pews of this church! You have rained the rain of hell upon these good people! Get out!
Old Lady: Don’t worry, I’m leaving!

Vicar Lorraine: How dare you, how dare, how dare you bring about your unholy forces into this holy place, how dare you breathe out your unholy breath, fart your unholy gases upon this good church!
Old Lady: I’m reporting you!
Vicar Lorraine: You can’t report me lady, this is Wales; nobody cares!
Old Lady: You’re not going to be here much longer I can tell you!
Vicar Lorraine: You have farted in the faces of these good people. Shame on you ma’am, shame on your family.
Old Lady: You can’t say this!
Vicar Lorraine: I ma’am, can say what I hereby desire, for I ma’am, I is the Lord’s very own-
Old Man: -idiot?
Vicar Lorraine: He is here! The devil is here! Run!

Vicar Lorraine: [At the door] You is all - the devil!

Mr. Campton: What did you say to me sir?
Mr. Blankford: Nothing, I didn’t say anything at all.
Mr. Campton: Yes you did, you said I looked nice when I laughed.
Mr. Blankford: No I didn’t.
Mr. Campton: Yes you did!
Mr. Blankford: Prove it!
Mr. Campton: Well, since you asked…
[He plays a tape recorder]
Woman: [On tape recorder] And don’t come back you old bastard! You old f-
Mr. Campton: Oops, wrong one-

Mr. Blankford: Where on earth did you get that?
Mr. Campton: Don’t ask. Ah here we are…
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
Mr. Campton: Now, deny that!
Mr. Blankford: I- I- can’t.
Mr. Campton: Exactly.
[Presses button]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
[Presses button again]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
[And again]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
Mr. Blankford: Okay, you can stop that now!

Mr. Campton: Okay, sorry.
[Presses button again]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
[And again]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look nice when you laugh.
[And again]
Mr. Blankford: [On tape recorder] You look na- na- nice when you la- la- laugh!
Mr. Blankford: I said stop!

At this country estate, these two gardeners are hard at work weeding the plants.

Fart Jr: So, I’m meeting Lady Marlborough today am I?
Servant: Yes sir.
Fart Jr: She’s the menopausal old cow with the uneven tits?
Servant: Yes sir.
Fart Jr: Splendid, I have something to make conversation with over our lordly dinner; we can talk about her tits.
Servant: Lovely sir.

Owl: Twit twooooo-
[Shotgun blasts]

Fart Jr: So then Lady Marlborough, your tits are looking very even tonight.
Lady Marlborough: Excuse me?
Servant: Very tactful If I might say sir.
Fart Jr: Thank you Snevilles.

Snevilles: [Walking off] Idiot…
Fart Jr: Now, where was I? Oh yes, your tits…

Mr. Campton: Are you a sausage sizzler like me sir? Do you like sizzled sausage? Do you sauté the sizzled sausage? Is it hot sir? Is it?
Mr. Blankford: Si, how did your friends react when you told them you were gay?
Mr. Campton: Well they all reacted differently.
Mr. Blankford: Really?
Mr. Campton: Yes, they were all different I suppose.
Mr. Blankford: How do you mean?
Mr. Campton: Well, there were two guys, Mike and Duane, and a girl, Dina, and the one who we just called ‘the lesbian’.
Mr. Blankford: The lesbian?
Mr. Campton: Yes, you don’t wanna know about her.
Mr. Blankford: Oh, well how did they all react?
Mr. Campton: Well, Mike and Duane were cool, Dina was pleasantly surprised and the lesbian just grunted.

Mr. Blankford: So they took it well?
Mr. Campton: Yeah, they were very good about it.
Mr. Blankford: That’s good.
Mr. Campton: Yeah.
Mr. Blankford: Because…
Mr. Campton: Because what?
Mr. Blankford: I have something to tell you…

Philip: So I said to him, you’re an idiot. What did I say to him Michael?
Michael: You’re an idiot.

Philip: And he asked me ‘why did I think he was the idiot when it was plainly obvious due to his better exam results that I was the idiot?’ What did he ask me Michael?
Michael: Why did you think he was the idiot when it was plainly obvious from his-
Philip: -due to his-
Michael: -due to his better exam results that you were the idiot.
Philip: So I said to him “you’re the idiot and you know it”. What did I say to him Michael?
Michael: You’re the idiot and you know it.
Philip: So what does this story tell us Michael?
Michael: You’re an idiot.

And that concludes episode five, don’t worry; only one more episode of this crap and you’ll be free again!