Sim Sketch Episode 6

Wipe your teary eyes, or should that be stop cheering; this is the last episode of Sim Sketch… for now anyway. We begin the end with a visit to our favorite gay couple.

Philip: So I told him exactly what I thought. What did I tell him Michael?
Michael: Shut up.
Philip: No, I told him what I thought, and then he mooned at me and ran for it! What did he do Michael?
Michael: Shut up.
Philip: Is there something wrong Michael?
Michael: No, what makes you think that?
Philip: Nothing. So anyway, I chased him, determined to moon him back. What did I do Michael?
Michael: Shut up.

Philip: So I caught up with him-
Michael: -shut up!
Philip: -and-
Michael: -you shut up?
Philip: -no, I-
Michael: -should shut up!
Philip: -but-
Michael: Shut up!

Philip: I’m sensing something is wrong Michael. What am I sensing?
Michael: That something is- I mean shut up.
Philip: I do love you, you know that right?
Michael: Shut- I mean yeah, course.
Philip: Do you still love me Michael?
Michael: Course I do, you don’t even need to ask.
Philip: Great. I think we should go shopping. What do I think we should do Michael?
Michael: [Sighs] Go shopping.

Mr. Campton: What do you have to tell me sir?
Mr. Blankford: I’m-
Mr. Campton: Yes?
Mr. Blankford: I’m- a- a-
Mr. Campton: - a- a- what?
Mr. Blankford: A… sausage sizzler.

Mr. Campton: You sizzle the sausage?
Mr. Blankford: Yes I sizzle the sausage.
Mr. Campton: You’re a saucy sausage sizzler eh?
Mr. Blankford: Yes I’m a saucy sausage sizzler with a saucy sausagey side.
Mr. Campton: Want to sizzle the sauced sausage with me?
Mr. Blankford: I was raised as a catholic, that’s why I got married.
Mr. Campton: Why did you follow their ways?
Mr. Blankford: I didn’t want my family to disown me.
Mr. Campton: Well, if you could sizzle some sausage I don’t think you’d be bothered.
Mr. Blankford: It was arranged. I know, you hardly get that nowadays but my family insisted.
Mr. Campton: We can sizzle up some sausage now if you want.
Mr. Blankford: Will you shut up about sizzled sausages!

[On TV] – I’ve been with my husband for five years now and our marriage is perfect-
Mrs. Clark: Bitch.
[On TV] – I love my wife Jeremy; I think we have the perfect marriage-
Mrs. Clark: Bastard.
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Clark: And it gets worse…

Mr. Branning: Hello Mrs. Clark!
Mrs. Clark: Oh, it’s you again. What do you want this time? Sponsorship? Tea? Sex?
Mr. Branning: What?
Mrs. Clark: I didn’t say that.
Mr. Branning: What? You said-
Mrs. Clark: So, Mr. Branning, why are you here?
Mr. Branning: Because-
Mrs. Clark: -you want sex?
Mr. Branning: There! You said it!
Mrs. Clark: Said what dear?
Mr. Branning: That!
Mrs. Clark: What?
Mr. Branning: Don’t you know what you said?
Mrs. Clark: How can I know what I said if I didn’t say anything dear?

Mr. Branning: I don’t know. Perhaps I’d better go Mrs. Clark.
Mrs. Clark: Good idea. I’ll see you out.
Mr. Branning: Yes-
Mrs. Clark: Out!
Mr. Branning: I’m le-
Mrs. Clark: Out!

Mrs. Clark: Wait.
Mr. Branning: What?
Mrs. Clark: Would you like a cup of tea before you go?
Mr. Branning: No, I’m fine thanks.
Mrs. Clark: Wait.
Mr. Branning: What is it?
Mrs. Clark: Call again some time.
Mr. Branning: Alright, I will.
Mrs. Clark: I look forward to it.

Mrs. Clark: Note to self, don’t so much as think the word sex when he next calls.

Yes we’re here again, at this mansion in Hampshire, where two gardeners are hard at work trimming the trees

Lord Fart Junior has received some parcels from some of his uncle’s friends.

F
art Jr: So Snevilles, this is…?
Servant: An African death mask sir.
Fart Jr: And what’s it for?
Servant: It’s an African tribal mask.
Fart Jr: [Picks up another parcel] Is it the same sort of thing as this?
Servant: No, that’s a shield.

Fart Jr: So what’s the difference?
Servant: One’s an African tribal relic and the other is a roundheads defense artifact.
Fart Jr: Snevilles, I didn’t understand a word of that.
Servant: That’s because one is a bail short of a stack sir.
Fart Jr: Or that.
Servant: Well, one isn’t quite the full Christmas hamper sir, one lacks perhaps a turkey.
Fart Jr: Or that, strangely enough.
Servant: One lacks a few too many feathers for a chicken sir.
Fart Jr: Snevilles what the hell are you on about? Have you turned Scottish?

Servant: No sir, to put it quite plainly, you are an idiot.
Fart Jr: How dare you speak to me like that!
Servant: Have you made any effort to tot up the amount of stupid things you’ve done since we received the ‘pleasure’ of your company sir?
Fart Jr: And that means what translated into English?
Servant: Lord help us…
Fart Jr: You know what? I’ve had enough! I’m going back to where I was happy, to where I didn’t have to charm moody old crows with uneven tits and please uptight servants with stupid moustaches while my two gardeners never did anything but dance to strange music and try out homosexual acts on each other! I’m going back to America! Goodbye!

Servant: [To gardener] Drink?

Vicar Lorraine: Let us pray. Dear Lord, let us be protected from the devil, let us live free of strife and misery, let this church be protected from heathens like the lady at number four, and the man at number seven-
[Tires screech]
Vicar Lorraine: SHUT UP! Now where was I? Oh yes. Let the lord protect us from people like the woman at number eleven, and the man at number five, and the woman at number two, and that man in the pub, and the pub landlord, and the lady behind the bar (bitch!) and the man at number thirteen, and the tramp who lives in number two’s doorway, and-
Woman: Are you quite done?

Vicar Lorraine: Shut up.
Woman Lord…
Vicar Lorraine: Lord above! She used your name in vain! Kill her! Kill her!

Man #1: [Throwing open doors] Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne Jesus Praiselord, you are being removed from this post, please leave this church.
Vicar Lorraine: Excuse me?
Man #1: Due to the three hundred and fifty two complaints we have received from a village of two hundred and eleven people, you have been fired.
Vicar Lorraine: The devil has done this!
Man #2: Yes, I’m sure he has, but it’s a saviour upon this village that you’re leaving.
Vicar Lorraine: You sir, you is the devil! How you dare walk in here and say these devil’s words to me!

Man #3: Vicar Praiselord, we can do this one of two ways, either you leave, preferably now, or we make you leave.
Vicar Lorraine: You is the devil!
Man #1: Vicar, behave-
Vicar Lorraine: You too is the devil!
Man #2: Vicar, just-
Vicar Lorraine: You is all the devil!

Mr. Campton: Sir…
Mr. Blankford: Yes?
Mr. Campton: This is gonna sound a bit upfront, but…
Mr. Blankford: Yes…?
Mr. Campton: You know how I sizzle the sausage?
Mr. Blankford: Yeah…?
Mr. Campton: -and you sizzle the sausage…?
Mr. Blankford: Yeah…?
Mr. Campton: Well, would you like to… sizzle up a sausage together?
Mr. Blankford: We don’t have an oven handy-
Mr. Campton: That is not what I mean.
Mr. Blankford: Oh, you want to sizzle up a sausage together, does that- does that-?
Mr. Campton: Does that what sir?

Mr. Blankford: Does that mean you want to get sizzly with my sausage?
Mr. Campton: Kinda…
Mr. Blankford: Are you asking me out?
Mr. Campton: Yeah, I am.
Mr. Blankford: Well…
Mr. Campton: Will you sir? Will you go out with me?
Mr. Blankford: I- I-
Mr. Campton: Yes or no sir?
Mr. Blankford: Y- yeah.

Mr. Campton: Oh sir, you’ve made my month, heck my year!

Mr. Campton: I’ve wanted this from the start sir.
Mr. Blankford: I’d never have guessed.
Mr. Campton: I’ve never felt this way about anyone!
Mr. Blankford: Me neither. It’s something new and exciting for me.

Mr. Campton: What are you going to do about your wife sir?
Mr. Blankford: Oh no, my wife…
Mr. Campton: Sir?
Mr. Blankford: I… can’t.
Mr. Campton: What?
Mr. Blankford: I can’t do this, I just can’t.
Mr. Campton: You can! Sir!
Mr. Blankford: I can’t! I’m really sorry but I’ve gotta go.

Mr. Campton: Sir! Don’t go! Sir!
[Door slams]
Mr. Campton: [Tearfully] Sir?

Man: Come on tree, I know you can talk!

Man: Talk! Come on tree! Talk!

That’s it from that lot at the mo, I hope you enjoyed Sim Sketch, and I hope he realizes at some point that the tree he is yelling at can’t talk. Bye!