Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 1

[Alarm clock rings]

Susie: God damn freaking alarm clock! I thought when I shot that damn cockerel this would stop!

Susie:My name is Susie Sharp; I’m not really that sharp, I’m actually quite squashy, especially before I’ve squeezed one out in the toilet, but that’s not for here… I call myself Susie Sharp: Super Seller.

Susie: This must be the place… ah yes, turd pile outside the back door just like they said… I’ll give them a point for good garden decoration.

[Doorbell rings]
Man: Hey, we spoke on the phone? We’re here to look round the house.
Susie: Oh yes, wait a minute; I’m not quite done crapping in the tumble dryer.

Woman: Did she just say…?
Man: I think so!
Woman: This house has a tumble dryer!
Man: Er… yeah… that’s what she said.

Susie: Okay, so this is the living area, it’s not particularly big, so if you ever have an early nighter – if you know what I mean – your kids will be able to hear the bump, bump, bump of your bedpost hitting the wall while they watch TV… all in all creating that wholesome family feeling that you really don’t want in a new house.
Woman: But it’s lovely!
Susie: You know, you remind me slightly of my sister, hate the bitch.
Woman: Er…
Susie: Anyway, back to the house.
Woman: Well, I don’t know about you, Dave, but I want it already!
Susie: Yeah, well, I’m not done pissing on your dreams yet so keep it hushed.
Man: Okay, you’re the boss.
Susie: Damn right I am, now pass me that kettle so I can break this window.

Radio Host Randy: [On radio] And the latest news, the proclaimed mad Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne, see dictionary for the rest of her name Praiselord is now working in a cheap radio station in Peckham. Watch out Peckham!

Vicar Lorraine: Hallelujah to you! This is I, ladies and gentlemen, your holy DJ, only on Amen Radio! Don’t tune out, or you is going to hell…

Radio Host Randy: [On radio] Technically we might want to refer to her as DJ Lorraine Sally Anne, attend Oxford University for the rest of her name Praiselord now, as she appears to be just that. However, I did hear that if you pay her a tenner, she’ll still marry you and your partner in the room full of cheese at the back of the studio.

Vicar Lorraine: Little does he know that the room full of cheese is in fact the store room for the pizza restaurant in the next street, however, I burrowed through and started having their prize mozzarella in my coffee. [Turns radio off] Today on the show we has Barry Scott, most known for his Cillit Bang commercials and that one time he fed his banana to a goose.

Barry Scott: Hi!
Vicar Lorraine: Hello, what is your reason for coming here today?
Barry Scott: Well, I wanted to talk about the success of Cillit Bang-
Vicar Lorraine: Don’t talk to me about Cillit Bang, Cillit Bang is the devil.

Barry Scott: It is not! BANG! And the dirt is gone!
Vicar Lorraine: Christ! Don’t be doing that to me!
Barry Scott: Aren’t you a vicar? You shouldn’t be saying Christ like that; it’s using the lord’s name in vain!
Vicar Lorraine: You shut up. Christ is the devil!
Barry Scott: Are you saying Jesus is the devil?
Vicar Lorraine: Is you accusing me of saying Jesus is the devil?
Barry Scott: Well… yes!
Vicar Lorraine: How dare you! You is… you is…
Barry Scott: Causing you to choke?
Vicar Lorraine: You is… the devil!

Barry Scott: I’m not the devil!
Vicar Lorraine: Listeners! Let it be known, Barry Scott… is the devil!
Barry Scott: No, I’m Barry Scott!
Vicar Lorraine: Barry Scott is the devil!
Barry Scott: No, I’m-
Vicar Lorraine: The devil!
Barry Scott: Vicar, please-
Vicar Lorraine: DEVIL!

Barry Scott: Vicar, if you’d just listen-
Vicar Lorraine: Well, that’s all we has time for today ladies and gentlemen. If you have been offended by any of the material in today’s radio show, you can email God on This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or if he’s not available, you can email Jesus on This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , if neither of them is available, leave a message with This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , but try not to get Beverly on the main reception, she’s a bitch.

Mrs. Upperton-Crust: So what brings you here today, Jordan dear?

Jordan: I have a new boyfriend, he’s just simply so handsome, Mum.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Really? He sounds lovely dear.
Jordan: He is! He’s coming in a few minutes to meet you.
Mr. Upperton-Crust: Splendid son.

Jordan: We haven’t had sex yet, but he tells me he has a ten inch you-know-what!
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: What dear?
Jordan: You know, a… thing.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Oh, I quite understand dear. I do wonder how you and he will have sex though, if he has a ten-inch genital organ.
Jordan: Why?
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Well it’d be too long surely? You’d be suspended in mid-air dear.
Jordan: Erm…

[Doorbell rings]
Jordan: Mum, Dad, this is Jamie.
Jamie: Hi.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Hello dear.
Mr. Upperton-Crust: Good day.
Jordan: Help yourself to a biscuit Jamie.

Mr. Upperton-Crust: Why must I always say hello second?
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Because you’re stupid dear.

Jamie: Well, it’s nice to finally meet you both!
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: You too dear.
Jordan: Well, I’ve been meaning to introduce-
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: So Jamie, I hear you have a ten inch genitalia?
Jordan: Mum!

Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Sorry dear. I must ask, though, do you ever find that difficult to manage? Ever have to wrap it around your leg at all?
Jamie: I… er...

Jordan: Stop it, mum!
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Sorry dear, slipped out, something his genitalia won’t do when it’s stuck up your-
Jordan: Mum!

Jennifer: I’m Jennifer J. Snazz and I’m Los Angeles based Hollywood agent, I’m widely known in most of Western California.

Jennifer: What do you mean you’re not interested? What? But I’m an agent to some really big stars! Who? I suppose you’ve never heard of Sharon Osborne’s dog or Ronald McDonald? Fine, it’s your loss! Well, I don’t care either! [Hangs up]

[Knock on door]
Jennifer: Come in.
Dan: Hey, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Ah about time, I got so bored I made an empire state building out of paper clips.

Dan: I was wondering if you could get me audition in Macbeth.
Jennifer: [Laughs] Are you serious? That’s the toppest play of the year and actors like you won’t get in it.
Dan: Why not?
Jennifer: To be frank, you’re not that good, but I love you to bits, so I’m gonna give them a call.
Dan: Really?
Jennifer: Your face it lit up! As if! I can get you a role in Gay March 2008 if you want.
Dan: No... No thanks.
Jennifer: How about a small part as a washer woman in a Victorian musical?
Dan: No… Not my thing.
Jennifer: Well, I’ve got a fine role as a horse in a stage production of Sherlock Holmes!
Dan: No thanks.
Jennifer: Well then I’m sorry.
Dan: I’m going to find another agent.

Jennifer: Go on then! Like I care!

Dan: [Re-enters room] I forgot my...

Jennifer: Hey! I tell you, my plastic surgeon is a miracle worker.
Dr. Musthaveashag: Hello.

Jennifer: Hey, where’d he go?

Dad: So what do you want from the shops?
Girl: Chocolate!
Dad: What kind of Chocolate?
Girl: I want two Cadbury’s Caramels, three Aeros, five Rolos, eighteen Penguin bars, three Snickers, four Twix bars, seven Toblerones…

Mr. Blankford: I hear we’ve got a new neighbour today.
Mrs. Blankford: That’ll be another friend for you to spend all your time with whilst you ignore me.
Mr. Blankford: I don’t ignore you!
Mrs. Blankford: Yes you do!
Mr. Blankford: Shut up!
Mrs. Blankford: No, you shut up!

Man Next Door: They’re such a delightful couple…

Mr. Blankford: If you don’t mind, I’m off to welcome the new neighbour to the street.
Mrs. Blankford: Whatever, just don’t let the gate hit you on your way out.
Mr. Blankford: Shut up!
Mrs. Blankford: No, you shut up!

Man Next Door: You can almost smell the love, can’t you…

Mr. Blankford: Good afternoon, I’m Matthew Blankford, how do you do?
Mr. Campton: [Turns around] Good afternoon, I do very well, thank you, my good fellow. I am much pleasured to make your acquaintance… God, you talk like such a geek!
Mr. Blankford: Mr. Campton?!?

Mr. Campton: That’s my name. Lovely area isn’t it; I couldn’t resist moving in here. I mean, it’s got the… car scrap yard, the… city dump… the… the, er… power station…
Mr. Blankford: Yes… I can see many reasons why you’d want to live here…

Mr. Campton: Yeah… Anyway, do you wanna help me carry my TV in?
Mr. Blankford: Er, yeah, why not, I don’t have much else to do.
Mr. Campton: Thanks. Do you, erm… fancy joining me for dinner tonight?
Mr. Blankford: Er, okay, what are you eating?
Mr. Campton: You’ll never guess…
Mr. Blankford: What?
Mr. Campton: Sausages!

Girl: …five packets of Maltesers, three Mars bars, four Mars Delights, seven Toffee Crisps, a packet of Celebrations…
Dad: This could take a while…
Girl: …three Cadbury’s Crème Eggs, two Mars Big Ones, five Quality Streets…

Veronica: Hi! I’m Veronica Vague and this is my speedy dating service! Do you want me to find you the perfect date? Do you have a question to ask me? Need advice for a tough date? Maybe you’re concerned that your girlfriend is turning and wants a woman, in which case you can ask me how to spice up your non-existent love life! Maybe you’re considering dating another man and you need advice on chat up lines to kick start your date up the arse. Just ask me anything, sir!
Man: Er… where’s the toilet?
Veronica: Erm… take a left, second door on the right.
Man: Thanks.

Veronica: Hey, what’s your name?
Peter: Peter.
Veronica: Hey there Peter, do you need a date?
Peter: I sure do! I need a good partner that will leave me both tickled and flushed, and wanting more, if you know what I mean.
Veronica: Er… no.
Peter: I need a man who owns a toilet brush.

Veronica: Okay, first of all eww, secondly, I don’t have any men available on my dating list at the moment, but would this fine female topless model suit you?
Peter: No, it does have to be a man.
Veronica: Well, the closest match I have is this lesbian here, you’ll never know the difference! Seventeen stone, mature and she can shift an entire shed if you want her to.
Peter: She doesn’t have a penis.
Veronica: Yes, that is a must for some gay men, isn’t it?

Vicar Lorraine: Is you going to have an enraged outburst, or is I?

[Clock ticks]

Barry Scott: [Farts]
Vicar Lorraine: That was an enraged outburst!

Mr. Blankford: Stop shuffling while I’m reading.
Mrs. Blankford: Stop reading, turn that damn light off and go to sleep.
Mr. Blankford: You go to sleep!
Mrs. Blankford: Shut up!
Mr. Blankford: No, you shut up!
Mrs. Blankford: You shut up!
Mr. Campton: Both of you shut up! I’m trying to watch TV here!

Mrs. Blankford: You shut up, you idiot!
Mr. Campton: You’re an idiot!
Mrs. Blankford: No, you’re an idiot!
Mr. Blankford: You’re BOTH idiots!
Mrs. Blankford: Shut up!
Mr. Blankford: You shut up!
Man Next Door: SHUT… UP!


Credits

Microphone created by Cokenasmile, Mod The Sims 2