Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 2

Jennifer: Sorry I’m late, Mr. Cruise, I was held up. I walked past the park and some guy was talking to a tree. Anyway, let’s get going.
Tom Cruise: Okay then! Whoo!

Jennifer: I wanted to show you a picture I had of Brad Pitt, but it seems to have gone missing, damn. You know, I was his agent for sixty years, he pretended he didn’t know who I was last time we met though! What a joker!
Tom Cruise: Brad Pitt is only forty-three years old.
Jennifer: Oh please! This is Hollywood, no-one’s the age they say they are.
Tom Cruise: So… you’re not twenty-three?
Jennifer: Er… so let’s talk about this movie!

Tom Cruise: Okay, yeah. I think a movie about my life is the best idea I ever had. Hollywood’s gonna love it.
Jennifer: Yes! Of course they are!

Jennifer: [Turns away] Yeah, right…

Jennifer: [Turns back] I can do anything if I try anyway; I’m widely known in most production companies as the one who wrecked Titanic.

Jack: Do you trust me?
Rose: I trust you.

Jennifer: Be gone, bitch.
[Pushes Rose off]
Rose: AARGH!

Jack: ROSE! ROSE!
Jennifer: Hey Leonardo, how about we get in that car and hump one out?

Jennifer: That was fun… Of course, I’ve been banned from most production lots since then… and Kate Winslett has a restraining order on me, but it was worth it, don’t you think?

Jennifer: Mr. Cruise?

Mr. Campton: Morning, Matthew!
Mr. Blankford: Morning.
Mr. Campton: I brought you something to eat.
Mr. Blankford: Oh, thanks, what is it?
Mr. Campton: A sausage sandwich.

Mr. Campton: Maybe after you’re done watering your garden you’ll come over mine.
Mr. Blankford: If you like.
Mr. Campton: Then you can get your great big hose and spray your water all over my garden. I warn you, the grass is very, very long.
Mr. Blankford: Erm… thanks for er… telling me that..

Mr. Campton: I also have a large hole in my back garden-
Mr. Blankford: I’m going inside! See you later!

Mr. Campton: [Shouting] What? I do have a hole in my back garden! Some stupid cat dug it!

Dad: So, we’ve got a bit of money left over from doing the shopping, would you like to get some sweets?
Girl: Yes, daddy!
Dad: Okay then, what would you like?
Girl: Chocolate!
Dad: There’s a surprise…

Girl: I want three Cadbury’s Fruit and Nuts, fourteen Penguin bars, six Mars Delights…
Dad: Now, stop it; I really don’t have enough time or money to buy every bar in the shop.
Girl: Let me have them or I’ll tell mummy that you felt up the woman behind the counter!
Dad: What? How do you even know that kind of talk?
Girl: Daddy, I go to a state primary school, everybody knows this stuff. One of the girls in my year got a boob job!

Becky: [On phone] And I’ll have cheese on my pizza, with tomatoes.
Sasha: Mushrooms on mine!
Becky: Shut up! [On phone] Mushrooms on hers… oh you heard. And I’ll have ham too.
Carla: Tomato puree for me!
Sasha: They put that on anyway, you idiot!
Carla: Don’t call me an idiot you lady’s front garden muncher!
Becky: Both of you shut up! [On phone] Okay, bit of a delay tonight? That’s okay don’t worry.
[Puts phone down]
Becky: I hate that bitch.

[Doorbell rings instantaneously]
Sasha: God, that took ages.
Carla: I’m complaining to their head office.
Becky: [Opens door] Okay, here’s your five… Whoa, hello handsome!

Carla: Oh my God, he’s hot!
Becky: He’s mine, get out of it!
Carla: He is so not yours!
Becky: He is!
Carla: Becky has herpes!
Becky: Shut up! You don’t want her; she’s got a ginger forest!

Pizza Guy: Er, if you could give me my fiver?
Becky: Oh, right, here you go.
Pizza Guy: Thanks.
Becky: [Mouths] Ginger forest!

Susie:My name is Susie Sharp; I’m not really that sharp, I’m actually quite squashy, and I have an arse like a baby elephant full of cushions, but that’s not for here… I call myself Susie Sharp: Super Seller.

Susie: And here is the lounge, it has wonderful views over the river, which the cows use as a toilet, so you can expect to be woken up in the morning by the wonderful smells of their stools.
Father: Well! We do love a good farmyard smell don’t we dear?
Mother: Yes, I love this house, so charming.
Susie: Yeah, right. That’s what my sister said, but what did she do? She cleared off and went to America is what!
Mother: Er… is this relevant?
Susie: Er… no. (Ahem) Let’s continue…

Susie: This is the kitchen; it has views over the stables.
Mother: I like this!
Susie: You don’t want to move into this house [turns to small boy] it’s inhabited by ghosts!
Boy: Is that right Mummy?
Mother: No, she’s only joking, aren’t you?
Susie: No. [Whispers] There are ghosts in this house; if you listen quietly you can hear them.
[Toilet flushes]
Boy: Was that the ghost?
Susie: Yes. I’m afraid so. Ghosts use the toilet a lot, they’re like a jet hose once they get going, I can tell you.

Builder: Sorry about that, needed to lay a brick, if you get what I mean.
Susie: There he is! The ghost! Run!

Susie: Quick! Save yourselves!

Mother: Well, that was weird.
Builder: You’re telling me. By the way, I wouldn’t go in the downstairs toilet for a while, I think I blocked it, because it kind of started shooting up- I’ll go.

Veronica: Okay Peter, we’re ready to begin your dating video. Now, no pressure here, just be yourself. When you’re ready, I’ll start recording.
Peter: I’m ready.
Veronica: Right, action.

Peter: Hi, I’m Peter and I’m twenty three years old and from Manchester. I’m gay, single and looking for a man, and I hope to find one on here. Erm… my interests are sailing, if you know what I mean, shooting, if you know what I mean, and shoving toilet brushes where they shouldn’t ever be shoved, if you know what I mean.

Peter: I’m hoping to find a man of the same age as me, give or take a year or two. Er… the most daring thing I’ve ever done is watch Titanic on a cruise ship, had the other passengers diving for lifeboats, I can tell you.

Peter: The most disgustingly sexy thing I’ve ever done is shove a model Siamese cat up my- oh, I’m out of time. Erm… if you think you can handle me, get in touch.

Peter: Oh, P.S. Callers must have a model Siamese cat, although I will settle for a tabby.

Mrs. Hope: My name is Faith Hope and I’ve been married to my husband for three weeks, he’s perfect, simply perfect, I sometimes think he can be a little lazy, but I’m probably just being silly.

Mr. Hope: Darling, darling!
Mrs. Hope: Not now dear, I’m on the phone!
Mr. Hope: But it’s an emergency!

Mrs. Hope: [Running in] What is it?
Mr. Hope: Could you pass the remote?

Mrs. Hope: Honey, don’t you think it’s time you started to learn how to do more things around the house?
Mr. Hope: No, why?
Mrs. Hope: Well, that remote was on the arm of your chair.
Mr. Hope: And your point is?
Mrs. Hope: You should be more active, like the builders are. Right this moment they’re hard at work re-tiling our roof!

Woman Next Door: WHERE THE HELL IS ALL OUR FURNITURE GONE?!?

Mrs. Hope: Honey, this is a frying pan.
Mr. Hope: What’s a frying pan?
Mrs. Hope: This thing here.
Mr. Hope: Oh.
Mrs. Hope: I want you to take this egg, and crack it into the pan.
Mr. Hope: What’s an egg?
Mrs. Hope: This thing here.
Mr. Hope: Oh.
Mrs. Hope: Now, I want you to crack the egg into the frying pan and fry it.
Mr. Hope: What’s a frying pan?
Mrs. Hope: This thing here!
Mr. Hope: Oh.
Mrs. Hope: Now, it’s not hard.
Mr. Hope: I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
Mrs. Hope: Relax; it’s an egg, what could possibly go wrong?

Five minutes later…

Mrs. Hope: So cooking is something we need to work on then?
Mr. Hope: Apparently…

Vicar Lorraine: [Calling inside] …and the same goes for your children, and their children, you painted jezebel!

Vicar Lorraine: Five pounds for doughnuts! Five pounds? I’ll tell you what they is, they is the heathen! It’s a good thing these doughnuts taste so damn good…

Man: Oh my God! Are you okay?
Vicar Lorraine: I don’t think so.
Man: Oh God, what should I do?
Vicar Lorraine: You has to call-
Man: Call who? I’ll call them!
Vicar Lorraine: Call- call-
Man: Call who? Ambulance? Police? Family?
Vicar Lorraine: Call Jesus!

Man: What?
Vicar Lorraine: I need you to call Jesus!
Man: Jesus?
Vicar Lorraine: That’s his name, call him!
Man: I don’t know Jesus’s number!
Vicar Lorraine: You doesn’t? You doesn’t know Jesus’s number?
Man: No, sorry.

Vicar Lorraine: If you doesn’t know Jesus’s number, that makes you-
Man: What?
Vicar Lorraine: That makes you the devil!

Man: The devil?
Vicar Lorraine: Yes! As Jesus is my witness, you is the devil!
Man: I’m trying to help here!
Vicar Lorraine: Devil! Just get back in your car and drive away! Drive away devil, drive away!

Man: But-
Vicar Lorraine: Away devil! Away!
Man: But- but- well, if you insist-
Vicar Lorraine: Be gone devil! Gone!
Man: I’m going!

Vicar Lorraine: Oh God, I need an ambulance! Come back! Come back!

Vicar Lorraine: Damn… I wonder if I stretch out my arm I can reach the doughnuts…


Credits

Tom Cruise created by JameLia, Mod The Sims 2
Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio created by Bakalia, Mod The Sims 2