Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 3

Vicar Lorraine: …and that’s why the priest at St. Fart’s church is the devil! And the person that named that church is the devil too! St. Fart’s indeed… And don’t try telling me there was a saint called St. Fart, because there wasn’t!
Producer: Er, if we could move on, please?
Vicar Lorraine: You shut your mouth, or I’ll play James Blunt again!
Producer: Please don’t, we lost five hundred viewers in less than two minutes the last time you did that.

Vicar Lorraine: Now, we come to the part of the show where I praises the local community for being you; let’s see who’s in my praise book today.
[Looks in praise book]
Vicar Lorraine: So moving swiftly on from that bit, let’s talk about who I hates in the community.

Producer: Do we always have to do that bit?
Vicar Lorraine: Does you always have to poke your head round the door when we gets to this bit and ask if we always have to do this bit?
Producer: Very well, just make it quick.

Vicar Lorraine: I is going to talk to you today about the local heathen in the area, namely that bitch that runs the local Spar, she overcharged me for doughnuts and then I got run over, although I isn’t sure how getting run over is her fault, it still is! As a matter of public interest, I think that this woman should be killed! Now, go! And don’t be gentle; I don’t care how effeminate you are… or how old you are, so that means you too Mr. Davies!

Vicar Lorraine: Come on! Run!

Vicar Lorraine: Come on Mr. Davies! I don’t care if you’re ninety-four! Run! Run!

Vicar Lorraine: That’s for charging me five pounds for doughnuts, bitch. Oh, and as for that jezebel that runs the newsagents, your time will come.
Producer: Could we make a point of not ordering the whole town to kill somebody in the next show?
Vicar Lorraine: Sure, whatever.

Captain Blight: Jolly good old chap! Take off is complete, bringing wheels up and climbing steadily. I think the parrot on the wing is dead now, cheeky talking bastard…

Crew Member: Excuse me sir-
Captain Blight: Ah Michaels, old bean! Could I have a cup of tea please?
Crew Member: That’s what I came to tell you, I’m afraid we’ve run out of tea sir.
Captain Blight: What? What about my morning cup?
Crew Member: I’m afraid you’ll have to go without sir.
Captain Blight: Certainly not! We’re not going anywhere until I get my morning cup! Engines off!
Crew Member: Oh my god!

Dr. Musthaveashag: So, how are you finding your new plastic surgery?
Jennifer: I love it! I think this look really works for me.
Dr. Musthaveashag: I must say it is very good, very unique; I don’t know how you thought of it.
Jennifer: Me neither, I’ve never seen anyone who looks anything like this, before. I can’t wait to see what my mother thinks of this!

Jennifer: Just look at me! Eat your heart out, Wilhelmina Slater!

TV Presenter: … and in the news from overseas, Lorraine Praiselord, a radio host and vicar from Peckham, is facing police charges after she ordered all of her listeners to kill a twenty eight year old café owner. Lorraine Praiselord, pictured here…
Jennifer: What? How dare that bitch look like me!

TV Presenter: There is some question as to whether the charges placed on Lorraine Praiselord will actually stick, because when she ordered all of her listeners to turn up, they indeed did all turn up – all seven of them, one of them a child and another an old man, neither of which can inflict any fatal damage…
Mr. Davies: What? I swung a damn good punch at that woman!
Mrs. Davies: I know, dear.

Sally: This must be the place… Got to find somewhere to hide…

Sandra: I do love trimming the bushes.
Tania: Yes, it’s fun. I wish you would stop groping my Christmas puddings every time a small child walks past, though.
Sandra: I can’t help it, the look on their faces!
Tania: It disturbs them!
Sally: [Typing] It… disturbs… them…
Tania: See? Your bush agrees with me.
Sandra: I beg your pardon?

Tania: Oh nothing, I just think we should be able to express our relationship in public, and not just in the bedroom.
Sally: [Writing] …in… the… bedroom…
Tania: Anyway, what’s wrong with being openly lesbian, even to small kids?
Sandra: Only that one of them put his foot in his own bike wheel and went flying into next door’s front garden!

Tania: I still swear that your bush spoke to me.
Sandra: Yes, I think I believe you actually.
Tania: What tipped you off?
Sandra: The fact that the bush followed us into the house and sat down beside the television.
Tania: Oh yes, so it did.

[Clock ticks]

Mrs. Blankford:: Shut up!
Mr. Blankford:: I didn’t say a word!
Mrs. Blankford:: You did! Your arse sneezed!
Mr. Blankford:: Yeah well, I don’t complain when your fanny sneezes!
Mrs. Blankford:: It never does!
[Sneezing sound]
Mrs. Blankford:: That was the cat.
Mr. Blankford:: We both know it wasn’t!

Mr. Blankford:: I’m going outside, before I catch germs!
Mrs. Blankford:: Oh, shut up!

Mr. Campton:: Hey, Matthew!
Mr. Blankford:: Hey.
Mr. Campton:: Would you like to come?
Mr. Blankford:: What?
Mr. Campton:: Er… into my house?
Mr. Blankford:: Why not.

Mr. Campton:: Make yourself at home; I’ll stick the kettle on.
Mr. Blankford:: Some of the pictures in this house look awfully familiar…

Mr. Blankford:: Simon! How the hell did you get that?

Mr. Campton:: Nice isn’t it, like you.
Mr. Blankford:: It bloody well is me!
Mr. Campton:: You don’t say.

Mr. Blankford:: But-
Mr. Campton:: But nothing, kiss me.
Mr. Blankford:: No, wait – I’m married!

Mrs. Blankford:: Hey, the cat just crapped out a mouse, dunno if you wanna keep it or-

Mr. Campton:: Do you mind? Your husband was in the middle of shagging my face off. You’ll have to wait until afterwards!

Mrs. Blankford:: I’m, er… yeah, I’m just going to… going to… go back inside and leave you two to… whatever the hell you’re doing.

Mr. Blankford:: I’m sorry Si, I’ve gotta go.
Mr. Campton:: Can’t you just come clean and tell her?
Mr. Blankford:: No, I can’t, she’d tell my parents. Look, I’m sorry but I don’t think there’s ever going to be a you and me.
Mr. Campton:: But, don’t you want me?
Mr. Blankford:: You know I do, but I can’t have you.

Mrs. Upperton-Crust: So, what brings you here today, dear?

Jordan: Well, I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Really dear? That’s nice for you.
Jordan: I’ve not seen him naked yet, but he tells me he’s got a seventeen inch… you know what!
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: What, dear?
Jordan: Baguette!
Mr. Upperton-Crust: I do enjoy a baguette.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Shut up, dear.

Jordan: I was thinking, isn’t seventeen inches great, Mum?
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Oh, I’m not sure dear, yes I suppose, if you were intending to hang the washing from it.
Jordan: That’s probably not something we’ll be doing.
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Really dear? You could save money on a washing line if you considered hanging your smalls off his large-
Jordan: Mum!

Jordan: I er… really better go. Nice chatting with you both.

Mrs. Upperton-Crust: He always seems to leave so quickly.
Mr. Upperton-Crust: That’s because you’re a frigging stupid cow, you scare him off!
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Oh, why should I listen to you? He’s not yours anyway; he’s the French café owner’s in the
village.
Mr. Upperton-Crust: What?
Mrs. Upperton-Crust: Nothing dear, biscuit?

Crew Member: We’re going to crash sir!
Captain Blight: Eh, what?
Crew Member: We’re going to crash!
Captain Blight: Did I detect the words ‘I’m going to get you a cup of tea’ in that sentence?
Crew Member: No.
Captain Blight: Ah, well, we’re going to crash then.

Crew Member: Isn’t there anything I can do?
Captain Blight: Ah! Can I have a cup of tea, old chap?
Crew Member: But the only tea left is the passengers’ tea!
Captain Blight: That’ll do nicely.
Crew Member: [Sighs] Fine.

Captain Blight: [Hums]

Crew Member: Well, aren’t you going to restart the engines, sir?
Captain Blight: What?

[Explosion]
Mrs. Jenkins: What was that noise?

Sally: Sorry, I had a curry for dinner.

Mrs. Jenkins: Oh… right… back to the lesson then. As I was saying, Henry married Anne Boleyn, his second wife, who he had executed.
Sally: [Typing] Henry… married… second… wife…
Mrs. Jenkins: Jane Seymour was Henry’s third wife, who gave him a son.
Sally: [Typing] Jane… Seymour… third… wife… gave… him… son…
Mrs. Jenkins: I’m sorry Sally, but could you keep it down a bit?
Sally: What? What you on, woman?

Mrs. Jenkins: Well, it’s just that I’m trying to teach and you’re speaking all the time while you type.
Sally: [Typing] I’m… trying… to… teach…
Mrs. Jenkins: Why are you writing what I’m saying?

Sally: What? Oh! Sorry, habit.
Mrs. Jenkins: Okay. Let’s continue, class.
Sally: [Typing] Let’s… continue… class...

Mrs. Jenkins: You’re doing it again!
Sally: [Typing] Doing… it… again…
Mrs. Jenkins: Sally!
Sally: Whoa! What’s wrong, biddy?
Mrs. Jenkins: Excuse me?
Sally: I said nothing.
Mrs. Jenkins: Well, could you either stop typing what I say, or stop saying it aloud?
Sally: Oh, right. Sorry, won’t happen again.

Mrs. Jenkins: Right, thanks. So anyway class, tomorrow is the school trip.
Sally: [Typing] Tomorrow… is… the… school… trip…

Mrs. Jenkins: Right! That’s it!
Sally: Crap!

Mrs. Jenkins: Come back here! I’m not done with you!

Crew Member: Argh! I think I’m injured!
Captain Blight: Oh, pish posh! It’s only a scratch! Nobody got hurt!
Crew Member: That’s only because you landed on a warehouse full of pillows! The plane’s not exactly going to fly again, is it? What the hell did you go and do that for?!
Captain Blight: Never underestimate a man who hasn’t had his morning tea!
Crew Member: Well, what do you think the owners are gonna think when they start work in the morning and find a huge plane sitting on their warehouse?!
Captain Blight: If they’re aficionados of a good cup of tea, I’m sure they’ll understand.

Captain Blight: Speaking of which, do you know what I could do with right now?
Crew Member: No, what?
Captain Blight: A good cup of tea.
Crew Member: Sweet Lord, kill me now…
Captain Blight: Do you think I should have Earl Grey or Camomile?
Crew Member: I’m going to kill you.
Captain Blight: Earl Grey it is!


Credits

Microphone created by Cokenasmile, Mod The Sims 2
Plane parts created by Crocobaura, Mod The Sims 2