Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 4

Mr. Campton: Good morning, Matthew!
Mr. Blankford: Morning, Si. What are you up to?
Mr. Campton: Oh, I have to trim my bush, it’s overgrown.
Mr. Blankford: I do hope you’re talking about that hedge in front of you.
Mr. Campton: Surprisingly, I am.
Mr. Blankford: Good.
Mr. Campton: So, do you want to come into my lusty castle?
Mr. Blankford: Er… what?
Mr. Campton: I mean erm, my house.
Mr. Blankford: Okay then.

Mr. Campton: Cup of tea?
Mr. Blankford: That’d be nice, thanks.

Mr. Campton: [From kitchen] So, how did you manage to convince your wife that we weren’t kissing?
Mr. Blankford: Well, it was hard, seeing as how you said “Your husband was in the middle of shagging my face off”, but I managed to convince her that it was a joke.
Mr. Campton: [From kitchen] And she believed that?
Mr. Blankford: Apparently so.

Mr. Blankford: Er… can I ask why you have a poster of my wife entitled ‘The Enemy’?
Mr. Campton: No. Here’s your tea.

Vicar Lorraine: [On car radio] Please welcome my guest for today… he is a sex addict called Steve and he’s here to tell us about his new re-birth programme, welcome Steve.
Steve: [On car radio] Hi! Have you ever wished you could go back to your childhood, to the days when you could run around naked and nobody cared, to the days when you could lay a solid lump in your pants and nobody said “urgh, you freak”, to the days when you could ask “Mummy, what’s sex?” and- Ah, everybody in the recording room is staring at me. So [ahem] onto this programme, you can have all that if you join…
Librarian: [Turns radio off] Good lord.

Si Lent’s Library, Harrogate

[Somebody farts]
Librarian: Who did that?
Man: Wasn’t me.
Woman: Nor me.
Librarian: Who broke wind in my library? Tell me now!

Overweight Man: It wasn’t me ma’am.
Librarian: Of course it wasn’t you! You’re so obese that if you farted it wouldn’t be able to squeeze itself between your fat cheeks!
Overweight Man: Oi!
Librarian: It’s true! You’d fill up like a balloon and explode!

Librarian: Now, somebody disrupted the silence of this environment with their dirty squeezed noise and I want to know who! Come on! Own up to it! Who disrespected my library chairs? Who polluted my air with their home-made fossil fuels?

Librarian: Which of this group of ginger geeks let their essence of stewed carrot into this space?
Ginger-Haired Man: Oi!
Librarian: Well, what else would you smell like, Tomato Soup?

Librarian: Right! Nobody’s leaving this library until I find out who expelled the essence of the River Severn into here! Lock down the library, this is a hostage situation!

My name is Jennifer J. Snazz and I’ve just nailed one of my biggest finds yet – Marcia Cross. I stumbled upon her by chance while trashing the set for Bree Van De Kamp’s house.
Jennifer: Have you set fire to the kitchen?
Dr. Musthaveashag: Can’t you see I have?
Jennifer: Then, pass me the flamethrower; I’m gonna torch her sofa!

Jennifer: Oh God, it’s freezing in here!
Marcia Cross: Yeah, it is.
Jennifer: It’s so cold that both of my nipples have gone hard!
Marcia Cross: Er… thanks. I really needed to know that.

Jennifer: So do you have an interesting act for me or did I waste three hours building that Jenga Eiffel Tower for nothing?
Marcia Cross: I didn’t ask you to build a Jenga Eiffel Tower.
Jennifer: You didn’t? For the love of- Well, somebody did! I wouldn’t buy three thousand Jenga blocks for nothing!
Marcia Cross:
Erm…

Jennifer: Oh, sorry lady, what did you want again?
Marcia Cross: You brought me here.
Jennifer: Did I? Oh well, I guess you can go then!
Marcia Cross: What?

Jennifer: You can go! Oh God, it’s so cold! You could balance an entire church on these nipples!
Marcia Cross: I think some religions might take issue with you balancing their church on your nipples.

Marcia Cross: Anyway… I’ll just… go. Could you have a reason next time you kidnap me off the set of Desperate Housewives?
Jennifer: Oh, is that what it was? I thought it was a lesbian pride parade!
Marcia Cross: I’m not a lesbian.
Jennifer: Damn, I could’ve hooked you up with my secretary. In that case, I can find you a perfect man! Doctor!

Dr. Musthaveashag: Yes?

Marcia Cross: Look… I’ll just go.
Jennifer: Okay hon; feel free to drop by anytime for a chat!
Dr. Musthaveashag: Who was that?
Jennifer: I have no idea.

Dr. Musthaveashag: Do you mind if I warm your nipples?
Jennifer: What?
Dr. Musthaveashag: Nothing.

Sasha: Five pounds for bloody doughnuts? It’s no wonder that crazy vicar attacked that bitch with her own groceries shelf…

Carla: [Singing and dancing] Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer…

Sasha: Oh shut up, you sing like Tom Cruise on helium.
Carla: Me? You sing like a horse with a carrot firmly up its arse!
Sasha: Shut up!

Becky: Oh shut up the pair of you. I’m calling Pizza Shack and ordering a pizza.
Sasha: You just want to order a pizza so you can see that cute delivery boy again!
Becky: Oh shut up!
Carla: She does, just watch her reaction when he arrives.
Becky: There will be no reaction because I don’t want him!

[Doorbell rings]
Becky: [Opening door] Oh my god, you’re here!

Carla: What did I tell you?
Becky: Shut it!

Pizza Guy: Erm… could you get off me, please?
Becky: No.
Pizza Guy: I really think you should.
Becky: Why?
Pizza Guy: Because you’ve squashed the pizza all over both of us.

Becky: [Letting go] Oh, god, sorry. Would you like me to lick the cheese off you?
Pizza Guy: What?
Becky: [Ahem] I mean, would you like me to wash the cheese off you?
Pizza Guy: No, I’ll wash my own cheese off.

Carla: God, it’s like being in a twisted porno movie, isn’t it.
Sasha: You’re telling me.
Becky: Shut it!

Pizza Guy: Look, I’d better go.
Becky: Okay, well… drop by again.
Pizza Guy: I won’t have a lot of choice if you order another pizza.

[Becky closes door]
Carla: Real romantic, Becky. Every man loves it when a woman splatters him with cheese.
Becky: Oh, shut up and eat the damn pizza.
Carla: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do if I don’t shut up?

[Splat]
Carla: Aargh! My bloody eyes!
Sasha: Cheesy eyes, more like.
Carla: Shut up!

Librarian: Come on, somebody just has to admit it was them and I’ll let you all go, except the person who did it of course, they’ll be meeting my shotgun.

Librarian: Maybe it was old lesbian, sturdy and firm and with a forest as crisp as a packet of Walkers…

Librarian: ...maybe it was the old man in the corner, who wishes his wife was as sexual as she was thirty years ago, so much so that to him, the passing of wind between his buttocks is the closest he gets to sexual pleasure…

Librarian: Or maybe, it was the elephant, with an arse as squeezable as a soft velvet sofa.

Librarian: So, who’s going to own up first?
Old Man: It was my wife.
Old Woman: Stan!
Old Man: What? It was!
Old Woman: Are you suggesting that I fart?
Old Man: Yes! You went outside the other day and next door’s dog keeled over!

Librarian: Okay, the rest of you can go! The old bitch is about to meet Bertha!

Old Man: Darling, do you have anything to say?
Old Woman: I think I have to sit on the toilet.
Librarian: Oh God, no! God save us all! Evacuate! Evacuate!

Mr. Campton: So, how is your wife, anyway?
Mr. Blankford: She’s fine.
Mr. Campton: And you really can’t come clean to her about us?
Mr. Blankford: Simon, there is no us, we are not together, I’m married!

Mr. Campton: Fine. Now, I wondered if you were interested in this organization I found; speedy service, free removal.
Mr. Blankford: [Reads leaflet] I am not hiring a hit man to kill my wife!
Mr. Campton: But it’s only £49.99 and it comes with a free fluffy toy!
Mr. Blankford: No!

Vicar Lorraine: [On radio] Has you ever noticed how people never seem to appreciate free gifts with services, for example, a friend of mine once came across a great prostitution service that came with a free kid, but for some reason he wasn’t happy… weird world… Maybe it’s because he had to wait nine months for it…

Vicar Lorraine: [On radio] Anyway, on to Happy Couples Hour…

Mrs. Hope: My name is Faith Hope and I’ve been married to my husband for five weeks, he’s perfect, simply perfect, I sometimes think he can be a little inconsiderate towards my feelings, but I’m probably just being silly.

Mrs. Hope: Darling, darling!
Mr. Hope: What d’you want?
Mrs. Hope: My sister died!
Mr. Hope: Oh, that’s too bad. Hey, could you pass me the TV magazine?
Mrs. Hope: My sister died!
Mr. Hope: Yeah, and the rest of the world is still going on! Pass me the TV mag!

Mrs. Hope: Here, have your stupid TV magazine, watch your stupid shows and just forget about sparing a thought for your wife’s dead sister!
[She storms out]
Mr. Hope: [Calling] Thanks, I will!

[Switches TV on]
Mr. Hope: I think I’ll watch an old EastEnders repeat…

[Fighting on TV]
Mr. Hope: Oh my God! No! No! Dirty Den’s dead! No, it can’t be! NO! Darling, darling! Dirty Den’s dead, how can I get through this, I can’t go on!
Mrs. Hope: [Calling] He died ages ago!
Mr. Hope: You don’t understand! This is the end for me! The end!

Mrs. Hope: Why the bloody hell did I get married?

Veronica: So, let me get this straight; you want, and I quote “a woman who will service me good, I want her to have big boobs and wear a tiny black bra and a leather belt with spikes on it, with a tiny thong. I want her to be as dirty as they come, and do anything I ask. I want her to sex me all night long, with no breaks and really, really make me feel very dirty and horny.” Before I get you that, how old did you say you were?
Kyle: Seven.

Veronica: Just… get out.

Kyle: Whatever. You know, you’ve got a nice pair on you, love.
Veronica: I said get out!

Mr. Hope: [Crying] No! I can’t go on like this! Bring him back! Please! Bring him back!
Mrs. Hope: [Calling] He’s not even bloody real!
Mr. Hope: [Crying] You don’t understand! You’ll never understand!

Mr. Hope: [Blows nose]


Credits

Marcia Cross created by Bruno, Mod The Sims 2