Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 5

Susie: [On phone] Oh, you can’t see the house today? Yeah, yeah, that’s okay Mrs. Cuthbert, yeah, no problem at all.
[Puts phone down]
Susie: And just watch while I sell your dream house, you unavailable bitch.

Susie: Hello and yes, I am still Susie Sharp, I am still an estate agent and yes, I am still a Super Seller.

Susie: So then Mr. Wood, this is the house, it has four bedrooms, two garages and three toilets, let’s go inside.
Dad: Okay, let’s.
Girl: Does she have any chocolate?
Dad: No, shut up.

Susie: As we enter the door, you might begin to notice that the front door leads straight into the garden, otherwise speaking, the house is not here.
Dad: What? Where is it?
Susie: Well, I couldn’t have you buying it, could I? So I got here early this morning and carried it away.
Dad: You… carried an entire house… away?
Susie: Yes.
Dad: You carried… an entire house?
Susie: Yes. Why?

Dad: Well, it’s gone!
Susie: Yes, were you not listening?
Dad: No, I mean, you carried it away – however the hell you did that – and well, what’s the point in us being here?
Susie: To look at your new house!
Dad: But, there is no house!
Susie: Yeah… but on the plus side, you’ve got a great garden!
Dad: But- but-

Susie: Well, you seem a bit confused for some reason, so I’m going to leave you to admire your new house while I make a phone call.
Dad: Wha-?

Girl: Give me some chocolate or I’ll tell mummy you felt her up!

Dad: Oh look, there’s an unopened chocolate bar on the ground, over there.

Girl: Where?

Girl: Daddy?
Susie: Hey kid, do you want a lollypop?
Girl: Get lost, lady.

Veronica: Hey, welcome to Veronica Vague’s Speedy Dating Service. What’s your name?
Ben: Ben.
Veronica: Hey Ben, do you need a date?

Ben: Yes, I need a woman who is into torture, chains, clips, having sex in graveyards, sticking forks in random places for pleasure, spanking, whipping, suspending from ceilings, pain, gimp suits and spikes.
Veronica: That’ll be in the ‘get out, you complete freak’ section.

Mr. Campton: God, I love burgers, however fat they might try to make me. Want some?
Mr. Blankford:: I’ll stick with a salad, thanks.
Mr. Campton:: You know; I’m getting fed up with the kids at my new school; I’m writing my name on about sixty detention forms every day. Maybe I should get a name change, just so I can write something different on the forms for once.
Mr. Blankford:: Nah, I think your name suits you, you’re camp, and you weigh a ton.
Mr. Campton:: How sweet of you… Your name suits you too, actually.
Mr. Blankford:: How?
Mr. Campton:: You’re boring and you drive a ford.
Mr. Blankford:: Thank you.

Mr. Campton:: So, do you remember when I told you about my past?
Mr. Blankford:: Er… yeah, I remember.
Mr. Campton:: Well, what about your past?
Mr. Blankford:: Oh, you don’t want to know about mine, honestly.
Mr. Campton:: Yes I do! Tell me everything.
Mr. Blankford:: Well, it was way back in the eighties…
Mr. Campton:: You so copied my opening line…
Mr. Blankford:: Do you want to hear this story or not?
Mr. Campton:: Yeah, of course, sorry.
Mr. Blankford:: It was way back in the eighties…
Mr. Campton:: You already said that.
Mr. Blankford:: Shut up! It’s for effect!
Mr. Campton:: Whatever.

Mr. Blankford: It was way back in-
Mr. Campton:: Alright! I get it! It was way back in the eighties! Get on with it!
Mr. Blankford:: Okay, okay. I grew up in a kind of quiet family; my parents were church people, Catholics, who were very obedient of the Ten Commandments.
Mr. Campton:: Like the one that says you can’t spank your next door neighbour?
Mr. Blankford:: That isn’t a Commandment!
Mr. Campton:: Oh, then I had a crappy R.E teacher.

Vicar: Do you, Steve Tomlin, take Caroline Smith to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Groom: I do.

Sally: [Turns to woman] They won’t last a year, I tell you.
Woman: I’m the sister of the groom.
Sally: Oh, they’re a lovely couple, lovely.

Vicar: Do you, Caroline Smith…
Sally: [Writing] Do… you… Caroline… Smith…
Woman: Shush!
Sally: [Writing] Shush…
Woman: Quiet!

Sally: Will you shut up! I am trying to write what they’re saying here!
Woman: Well, be a bit quieter about it then!
Vicar: Shush!
Sally: Yeah, shush!
Woman: He meant you!
Sally: No, he meant you!
Vicar: I meant-
Sally: You!
Woman: Shush!
Bride: SHUT UP!

Bride: My wedding is ruined! I can’t go ahead with it now!

Sally: Yes! I win the bet Vicar!
Vicar: Damn! Who else bet they weren’t going to get married?
Groom’s mother: I did!
Bride’s father: Me too!
Bride’s sister: I had a fiver on it!

Sally: Come on guys, the drinks are on me!
Groom: Yes!
Bride: Wait, you bet that this wedding wasn’t going to go ahead?
Groom: Er… no, yes… no, no, of course not… erm… yes, no, I didn’t, erm…
Sally: I’ll buy everyone a Carlsberg!
Groom: Yeah, fine, I did. Carlsberg, here I come!

Mr. Blankford: Anyway, my grades were above average, so I was pretty pleased, and I went to College in September of that year, 1989.
Mr. Campton:: Were you popular?
Mr. Blankford:: Oh yeah. I became one of the popular ones, like you. I was friends with all the cool kids...

Fredrick: Aha! Beat you again, Susan, you sneaky Dalek soldier!
Susan: Salutations to you, fellow space cadet!

Mr. Campton:: That sounds… lovely.

Mr. Blankford: Well, say what you will, but I got loads of action…
Mr. Campton:: And that action came from The Sun newspaper did it?
Mr. Blankford:: Shut up! I got loads of action, loads… I slept with the milkman, the man from the shop, the postman, all the male teachers at the school, I did one of them twice, I liked his crooked passage.
Mr. Campton:: You didn’t get any action, did you?
Mr. Blankford:: No.
Mr. Campton:: You know you could get some action with me, don’t you?
Mr. Blankford:: I’m not cheating on my wife, gay or not, it’s not fair on her!

Mr. Campton: I know, I know. I’m not asking you to, I’m asking you to tell her the truth about yourself. Anyway, I never asked, how did you come to be forced to marry her in the first place?
Mr. Blankford:: Well, it’s a long story… My parents thought that my attentions were starting to wander to men, so they forced me to marry a woman. In fact, that wasn’t a very long story at all.
Mr. Campton:: Man, all that just to stop you from taking a bite of the cocktail weenie.
Mr. Blankford:: In a manner of speaking.
Mr. Campton:: Imagine if you’d have said no to her, you’d probably be enjoying a nice weenie right now.

Waitress: Guys, can we quit the innuendo talk, one of our younger customers just vomited into his Happy Meal.

Librarian:: [Turns a page]

[Somebody farts]

Man: Sorry, didn’t mean to fart in your library [laughs].
Librarian:: You think this is funny? Do you?
Man: Er… no. I mean… yes. I mean- Well, you’ve got to laugh, really.
Librarian:: Oh, have I now?
Man: Erm…

Man: AAARGH!

Groom: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I’m DJ for this afternoon, so we’re gonna rock our pants off, while my would-be wife cries at home! Let’s get dancing!

Sally: [Drunkenly] I r- remember the f- first time I m- met you, v- vicar.
Vicar: [Drunkenly] Oh y- yeah?
Sally: [Drunkenly] Yeah, I thought to m- myself, God I want a piece of that.
Vicar: [Drunkenly] R- really?
Sally: [Drunkenly] No! [Bursts out laughing]
Vicar: [Bursts out laughing] Another rum please, bartender!

Sally: [Drunkenly] Yeah, I’ll have another drink too please, bartender.
Bartender: The pair of you disgust me.
Sally: [Drunkenly] Oh shut up… you big, big… Oh crap, I need to have a very long piss and flood the toilets…
Bartender: Oh, God in heaven above…

Jennifer: I’m Jennifer J. Snazz and I’m Los Angeles based Hollywood agent, I’ve just come back from yet another crappy holiday, although I did manage to shag the guy behind the reception desk.
Woman: [Rings bell] Hello? I’ve been ringing for a receptionist for ten minutes!
Receptionist: [From behind door] Wait… just… a second… oh, argh, god…
Jennifer: [From behind door] You seem to be having trouble getting it up, want me to get the taser out?
Receptionist: [From behind door] No, no, I can do i- AARGH! CHRIST!

Captain Blight: [On public address system] Pip pip! Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, we have just landed in Los Angeles; I hope you enjoyed your flight today. Cheerio!
Jennifer: God, I hated that holiday.
Dr. Musthaveashag: I agree, it was boring.
Jennifer: When the hell did you get here?
Dr. Musthaveashag: I crept into your suitcase; I just spent the last eight hours and forty five minutes fondling your collection of thongs…
Jennifer: What?
Dr. Musthaveashag: Nothing.

Presenter: Welcome back to the Oscar Awards, the next nomination is for Best Actress.

Dr. Musthaveashag: So, why are we here?
Jennifer: Because I have something that I need to do.
Presenter: And the winner is… Kate Winslett!

Kate Winslett: I can’t believe I’ve won this award; it’s such an honour-
Jennifer: Yeah, move over sister. Oh my God, I can’t believe I won the Best Actress award!
Kate Winslett: But-
Jennifer: Be gone, bitch.
Kate Winslett: But-
Jennifer: I said be gone!
Kate Winslett: Okay, but you’ll be hearing from my lawyer!
Jennifer: Not if I seduce him!
Kate Winslett: It’s a her.
Jennifer: Well, not if I seduce her.

Jennifer: I can’t believe I’ve won the Best Actress award, I’d like to thank my dog for believing in me, you always knew I could do it! I’d also like to thank Dr. Musthaveashag, for always being there, even though he is a little creepy, and finally, I’d like to thank Leonardo for that steamy night last Saturday!

Dr. Musthaveashag: [Turns to Tom Cruise] I’m so sorry; I was rooting for you to win Best Actress.
Tom Cruise: Shut the hell up.

Old Lady: Excuse me, you! Chav girl!

Old Lady: Would you mind? I need some help with my shopping.
Becky: Innit.
Old Lady: It’s a tad heavy; I need some help to carry it home.
Becky: Innit.
Old Lady: I hate the way you kids talk these days.
Becky: Isn’t it.

Old Lady: That’s better. Now, take my shopping.
Becky: Oh, cool. Thanks for that!

Old Lady: No- I mean-

Librarian:: [Turns a page]

Mr. Hope:: [Farts]

Two seconds later…

Librarian:
: You come back here, now!
Mr. Hope:: Not on your Nelly!

Mrs. Hope:: Once again, why the bloody hell did I get married?

Sally: Bottoms up!
Vicar: I think I feel sick…

Sally: Let’s dance!

Sally: Watch me shaking it!
Vicar: I don’t think I want to…

Sally: This is even more fun than writing down people’s conversations!


Credits

Tom Cruise created by JameLia, Mod The Sims 2
Kate Winslet created by Bakalia, Mod The Sims 2