Sim Sketch - Series 2 Episode 6 - Xmas Special

Carla: [Singing] Rocking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop, Mistletoe hung where you can see every couple tries to stop…
Sasha: Alright, you can stop singing now; you sound like my grandfather’s arse
after a tin of beans!
Carla: Shut up!

Becky: Now, this is a Christmas party!
Carla: Agreeing with you there.

Becky: Oh my god, it’s him, the pizza boy!

Pizza Boy: [Mouths] I want you.

Pizza Boy: What? Why are you staring at me?

Becky: Erm… this might seem a bit upfront but, will you go out with m-
Pizza Boy: [Interrupting] Well, who’s this?
Carla: Erm, I’m Carla.
Pizza Boy: Well, aren’t you nice.
Becky: I told you - very overgrown ginger forest! You want me, I’ve got a black and pink highlighted one. Sasha did it.
Pizza Boy: I do love a ginger forest.
Carla: I think we should make out.

Becky: You ginger bitch!

Becky: [Sniffs] I’m spending Christmas with mum, don’t come with me!

Jordan: I see what she’s angry about, he is pretty hot.
Sasha: So are you.
Jordan: No- no- I’m gay!
Sasha: That’s what they all say, just lay back and let Sasha see to you…

Jordan: No! Get your hands off my- AARGH!

Radio Host Randy: [On car radio] Hi! I’m Radio Host Randy, and welcome to a special Christmas edition of Randy’s Radio Rollercoaster. To mark the occasion we are broadcasting live, literally from a real-life rollercoaster! Argh, bluergh! Oh God, I just threw up all over the woman behind me!
Vicar Lorraine: [Switching off radio] You is not live, you liar! I know that because I’m the woman you threw up all over!

Llancyst Lumpe Village Church
Vicar Lorraine:
Jesus, it’s weird being back in this place, I’ve not been here since those heathens chucked me out. Let’s see what granny charming old man they replaced me with…

Vicar Lorraine: Hello? Is anyone here?

Vicar Laverne: I is here, what does you want?
Vicar Lorraine: What the bejesus? You is my replacement?
Vicar Laverne: Yes, I is.
Vicar Lorraine: What is you?
Vicar Laverne: I is Vicar Laverne Susan Anna God Praisechrist.

Vicar Lorraine: Why has you replaced me? You seems like just as much of a bitch as I is!
Vicar Laverne: How dare you! You know what you is, ma’am? You know what you is?
Vicar Lorraine: An angel?
Vicar Laverne: You is the Satan!

Vicar Lorraine: Waits one minute, bitch! You can’t say that!
Vicar Laverne: I can say what I wants to!
Vicar Lorraine: Oh yeah? Well, let’s see what Jesus has to say about that!
Vicar Laverne: You is an idiot!
Vicar Lorraine: You is the devil himself!
Vicar Laverne: I… is God.
Vicar Lorraine: You is the devil! No, you is worse than the devil, you is the George Bush!
Vicar Laverne: What in the name of God, A.K.A me, is you talking about?
Vicar Lorraine: Never you mind – devil woman!
Vicar Laverne: Satan!
Vicar Lorraine: Devil!
Vicar Laverne: SATAN!

Vicar Laverne: [Calling] Satan!
Vicar Lorraine: The devil has done this!
Vicar Laverne: [Calling] No! The Satan has done this!


Mr. Campton: Can’t you just come clean and tell her?
Mr. Blankford: No, I can’t tell her, besides, she’d only go and tell my parents. Look, I’m sorry but I don’t think there’s ever going to be a you and me.

Mr. Blankford: I’m not cheating on my wife, gay or not, it’s not fair on her!
Mr. Campton: I know, I know. I’m not asking you to, I’m asking you to tell her the truth about yourself.


Mr. Campton: So er… thanks for inviting me here tonight.
Mr. Blankford’s Mother: Nobody should be alone on Christmas Eve.
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Indeed not.
Mr. Campton: Ah, you’re serving sausage. I like sausage. I know Matthew likes a good sausage.
Mrs. Blankford: Erm…
Mr. Blankford: [Laughs nervously]

Mr. Blankford: Er… Si, can I see you in the downstairs toilet... now?
Mr. Campton: Er, sure yeah.

Mr. Blankford: What are you doing talking about sausages in front of my wife and parents?
Mr. Campton: I’m trying to break the truth to them gently!
Mr. Blankford: Well, stop it! I can tell them myself.
Mr. Campton: Fine! Oh, er… by the way, I learned a new method of pleasure, by shoving an air horn up my-
Mr. Blankford: Simon!
Mr. Campton: - and blowing the horn, it vibrates nicely-
Mr. Blankford: Back to the table! Back to the table!

Mr. Campton: Er… sorry about that. [Whispers] Do you want to tell them now, Matthew?
Mr. Blankford: [Whispers] Help me!
Mr. Campton: Erm… Matthew wanted to tell you all something, didn’t you Matthew?
Mrs. Blankford: Did you, Matthew?
Mr. Blankford: Er, yes, I did.

Mr. Blankford’s Father: Well, go on then, what was it?

Mr. Blankford: I… I… er…

Jennifer: [On phone] Well, what do you mean it’s not appropriate?
[Listens]
Jennifer: [On phone] Oh, that’s just stupid! Who’d spend their time worrying about something like that?
[Listens]
Jennifer: [On phone] What do you mean twenty million people? What twenty million people? You made that up! There can’t even be that many people in the world, let alone America!
[Listens]
Jennifer: [On phone] Look, I haven’t got time for this crap! If I wanna go nude to a Harry Potter convention, I will! I don’t care if it’s not appropriate, goodbye!
[Hangs up]
Jennifer: Those little kids should be happy, I’m showing them stuff their mom’s never will!

Jennifer: Where’s that damn doctor? Dr. Musthaveashag! Dr. Musthaveashag!
Dr. Musthaveashag: Yes?
Jennifer: Do you think I should go nude to a Harry Potter convention?
Dr. Musthaveashag: Yes, definitely. Can I come?
Jennifer: No you can’t! Don’t push your luck!

[Phone rings]
Jennifer: [On phone] Hey boss, how are you? I’ve been waiting for you to call all day; I got so fed up with waiting that I built a model of the Titanic out of playing cards! What happened to it? Oh, it sunk in the toilet… What? What do you mean I’m fired? What? When did I do that? No I didn’t! Wait- [To Dr. Musthaveashag] Did I walk naked through a live recording of Jerry Springer?
Dr. Musthaveashag: Yes. Three times in fact.
Jennifer: Damn. [On phone] Yeah, okay, I did, but you can’t fire me! No you can’t! No you can’t! Well, what if I refuse to be fired, what are you gonna do then? Hello? Hello? Oh, the clever bastard hung up!

Jennifer: What am I gonna do? It’s Christmas and I’ve been fired, it’s all over!
Dr. Musthaveashag: Wanna get naked with me and drop by that Harry Potter convention?
Jennifer: No I don- Oh, who the hell am I kidding, help me get my bra off!

Dr. Musthaveashag: Sorry about this, but…

Jennifer: Oh… my… god…
Dr. Musthaveashag: Thank god. I’ve wanted to do that for ages…

Vicar Lorraine: Vicar Lorraine Sally Anne Jesus Praiselord doesn’t give in that easy, that bitch is going down!

Vicar Lorraine: Hey, you, Condoleezza Rice, come here!
Vicar Laverne: The Satan is back!
Vicar Lorraine: Oh yeah? You will put Miss in front of that, or I’ll shove that Christmas tree where the sun doesn’t shine!

Mrs. Hope: My name is Faith Hope and I’ve been married to my husband for seven weeks, he’s er… perfect, simply perfect, I sometimes think he and my mother could get on better, but I’m probably just being silly.

Mrs. Hope: Now, you know my mother’s spending Christmas with us, don’t you?
Mr Hope: What? I’m not sharing a table with that fat cow, we’d have to put her seat by the back door, she’d need the whole garden just to accommodate her arse!
Mrs. Hope: Dominic! There are a few rules for when she’s here, no fat jokes, no fat old lady jokes, no fat old lady whose husband left her for a younger woman jokes and no farting when she says grace.
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Hope: That’ll be her. I’m about to lay the table, could you let her in?
Mr Hope: Fine, but she’d better have bought the Crystal Town and Pleasantview DVD box sets I asked for.

Mr Hope: Hello Mrs. Richmond.
Mrs. Hope’s Mother: Hello. You’re still here are you?
Mr Hope: Yes I am. Why don’t you allow me to take your coat, and you can have a seat in the lounge. Your feet must be struggling under all that weight.
Mrs. Hope’s Mother: How dare you!
Mr Hope: Oh, shut up and sit down.

Mrs. Hope’s Mother: Oh, that was a delightful dinner, do you mind if I take another couple of chicken wings, some potatoes and a sausage?
Mrs. Hope: Of course not.
Mr Hope: Why don’t you eat the whole table while you’re at it?
Mrs. Hope: Dominic!
Mrs. Hope’s Mother: You selfish lump!

Mr Hope: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you, I’m merely noting that you eat enough food to feed a field of cows.
Mrs. Hope: Right, that’s it! Get out Dominic!
Mr Hope: Wh- what?
Mrs. Hope: You heard me. Get out; I don’t want to see your face again!

[Door slams]
Mr Hope: But- but-

Mrs. Hope: Bet you can’t get as high as me!
Mr Hope: [Laughs] You’ll regret that bet!
Mrs. Hope: [Laughs] Oh, will I, now?

Mrs. Hope: I love you.
Mr Hope: I love you, too.

Mr Hope: [Sighs]

Girl: I want sweets, Daddy!
Dad: I gave you sweets!
Girl: Well, I want more! Give me more sweets or I’ll tell mummy you felt the woman in the shop up!
Dad: Oh yeah? You do that and I’ll tell mummy you felt your friend Vicky’s bottom – then she’ll think you’re a great big lesbian!
Girl: Okay! Okay! We don’t have to get sweets!
Dad: Yes, finally!

Susie: God, I hate Christmas, I’ve hated it ever since that Santa Claus made a pass at me two years ago. Asked me if I wanted to see his big sack… No, I don’t!

Sally: Whoa! Watch it! You nearly bumped into me then!
Susie: You?
Sally: That’s right, me, your sister.
Susie: The illustrious Sally Sisco, with her glamorous column. Why would you have any time for lowlifes like me?
Sally: I’ve never thought that you’re a lowlife!
Susie: Well, mum and I obviously weren’t good enough for you, because you went and abandoned us to go to New York with your fancy boy, right in the middle of the night, leaving only a letter to explain! God, I remember it as if it were only last Christmas…
Sally: It was only last Christmas.
Susie: Oh, shut up.

Sally: Look, I was in a bad place, I’d dropped out of university, I had a dead-end job, my friends had all moved on and mum had no time for me, every time I tried to talk to her she suddenly had to do something else. I knew I was in for yet another crap Christmas with a family who hardly cared. You, a sister who spent her entire life arguing with me and mum, who I knew would just give me another female condom for Christmas and say “use it well”.

Sally: Then I met Mike-
Susie: Met him? You went under the wrong pile of coats at the Christmas party and shagged him instead of your date!
Sally: Anyway, from the minute we set eyes upon each other-
Susie: Eyes weren’t the first thing you set upon each other, I can tell you…
Sally: Shut up! I knew that there was something special between us. Anyway, he said to me that he had great contacts in the media business and that I could follow my dream of writing, so we got married quietly and we went to New York, to follow my dream and to escape the life of hopelessness I was leading, a life that neither of you bothered to ask me about.

Susie: That is such a lie! I did ask you about your life!
Sally: No you didn’t! The only question you ever asked me was: “So… have you put your female condom to good use yet?”
Susie: Well, it was a question, wasn’t it?
Sally: A stupid question! I must’ve been the biggest slag our side of town!
Susie: Oh, easily. You slept with seven men in one hour once. At that Christmas party, you couldn’t find your actual date, so you just shagged whoever was under each of the coat piles until you found him.

Sally: Anyway, now you know why I ran away, okay? I was unhappy and I didn’t want to be any more!
Susie: I… never knew any of this.
Sally: Well, now you do.
Susie: I… I’m sorry… come here.
Sally: I’m glad you understand.
Susie: Course I do. I love you, sis.
Sally: I love you too.

Mr. Blankford’s Mother: So, what was it you wanted to tell us, dear?
Mr. Blankford: I- I er- I’m-
Mr. Blankford’s Father: We don’t have all year. [Laughs]
Mr. Blankford: I’m… Hispanic!
Mr. Blankford’s Father: No you’re not.
Mr. Blankford: I’m sorry, I’m er… oh, god… I’m… I’m… gay.
Mr. Blankford’s Mother: You are?
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Really?
Mrs. Blankford: Well, I can’t say I didn’t guess.
Mr. Blankford: You guessed?
Mrs. Blankford: Well, yeah. I mean, the last time I got my vulva out; you passed out and didn’t wake up for three days.

Mr. Blankford: Look, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I can’t hide it.
Mr. Blankford’s Mother: Well, I can’t say I’m jumping for joy, but it’s alright.
Mrs. Blankford: Actually, I have a confession to make, myself.
Mr. Blankford’s Father: What, you aren’t a lesbian, are you?
Mrs. Blankford: No, god no. What would I do with a face full of forest?
Mr. Blankford: I could ask myself that.
Mrs. Blankford: What I was going to say is that I’ve been seeing Mr. Walden.
Mr. Blankford: Mr. Walden’s ninety-two!
Mrs. Blankford: And he goes at it like a rabid rabbit when he’s got a drink in him!
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Yeah, he does.
Mrs. Blankford: How would you know that?
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Well, I’ve stuck a pick in Mr. Walden’s cave myself.

Mrs. Blankford: What?
Mr. Blankford: What?
Mr. Blankford’s Mother: What?
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Oh, crap.

Mr. Blankford’s Father: Well, look at the time, I’ve gotta be going!
Mr. Blankford’s Mother: You come back here; I want a word with you!
Mr. Blankford’s Father: Aargh, get away from me, you mad woman!

Mr. Campton: Excuse me a minute, guys, I’m gonna get some fresh air.
Mrs. Blankford: [Pauses] So, do you like that Simon?
Mr. Blankford: How did you know?
Mrs. Blankford: Erm…


Mr. Campton: Do you mind? Your husband was in the middle of shagging my face off. You’ll have to wait until afterwards!


Mrs. Blankford: I erm… noticed certain signs.

Vicar Lorraine: Let the church say Amen!
Congregation: Amen.
Vicar Lorraine: I will be taking your midnight mass tonight because Vicar Laverne is… currently unavailable.

Vicar Laverne: Let me out of here! Satan!

Mr. Blankford: Lovely night isn’t it, snow falling all over the neighbourhood, everything covered with white.
Mr. Campton: Yeah, puts me in mind of a dirty weekend in bed.
Mr. Blankford: Simon!
Mr. Campton: Sorry. So, did you tell them?
Mr. Blankford: Yeah, my wife understands and she wants me to be happy… and she’s shagging Mr. Walden.
Mr. Campton: Eww…

Mr. Blankford: Basically, I’m yours, if you still want me.
Mr. Campton: Of course I do, I-
Mr. Blankford: But, I’m gonna do this properly, so, Simon, will you go out with me?
Mr. Campton: Of course I will.
Mr. Blankford: Come here, you.

[Bell chimes]
Mr. Blankford: That’s the stroke of midnight on the village church bell, it’s Christmas Day.
Mr. Campton: And I’m yours, finally.
Mr. Blankford: Merry Christmas, Si.
Mr. Campton: Merry Christmas… sir.