Werewolf Series 1 - Episode 02 - Bloodlust

October sun. How relaxing it truly is when you're soaking up the rays on a lazy day, with no work playing on your mind.

"Don't you two have term papers to write?" Hannah said, interrupting the serenity of a lazy, sun-blessed afternoon, with her constant nagging. "The dean seems eager to put people on academic probation this year, so you'd better keep up with your work!"

I absent-mindedly grunted to dismiss the comment, but she only persisted.

"Blah blah blah work, blah blah blahh killer robots," she said.
I merely snorted.
"Blah blah!"
"Killer robots didn't break your laptop! I don't know how it happened! Stop hassling me about it!" I muttered.
"Are you even listening?" Hannah nagged, naggingly. "Wait, how did you know my laptop was broken? I haven't even told anyone about it yet-!"
"Nobody mentioned anything about a broken laptop, Zach. Sounded like a Freudian slip to me!" Jamie added.
"Humph!"

I had dropped myself right in that stinker. There was a broken laptop, and I was the one who broke it. But it had a simple explanation. Since my transformation after the party yesterday, I'd been having some serious mood swings and personality changes. More than just my hair-to-skin ratio was adjusting...

Zach: Arrgghhh!!

Zach: (Thrashing arms) Aaarrggghhhh!!!!!!! Aaarggghhh!!!!!!!!!!

(Zach crashes his arms into a laptop and breaks it)
Zach: (Gasping) $#?&! Oh no, oh no, oh no! What do I do, what do I do?

Zach: (Camply) Ooops, well deary me! Tut. I'll go fetch you a dustpan and brush, Zachary darling. (Giggle)

Jamie and I were on bad terms this morning, due to me standing him up last night, but we quickly made up over a cup of herbal tea and a re-run of Desperate Housewives this lunchtime. Again, I blaming the mood swings. That, and rubbish daytime TV scheduling.

"Man, I am bored. (Yawn) I mean REALLY bored," I complained, succumbing to the sandman and drifting off into a light snooze, "I feel like I should be doing something... Maybe some activity involving a pen... and a piece of paper... and maybe some cheese. Mmm... cheese..."

Believe me. Student life in Academie Le Tour is hardly the most taxing.

Jamie confirmed this: "Listen, you know you're bored when you've resorted to Google-ing the word 'bored', clicking on random games sites and playing countless hours of Bejewelled and other games where you have to blast pixelised aliens by clicking on them repeatedly. You get addicted and reach a point where you can't quite click enough times to move on to the next level, and you sit there getting frustrated until you realise you're even more bored than when you started playing the game..."

"Yeah, well I'm experiencing that destructive type of bored, where you just feel like gnawing your own leg," I murmured, dreamily.
"Oh, did you hear about Cassandra?" asked Jamie, sounding alarmed at some bad news he seemed to remember.
"No, what about her?"

Cassandra Meredith is a socially reclusive geek, known only to herself and her closest of friends. All one of them. She displays some very odd behaviours from time to time. She's lived in accommodation with us for over a year, and lives across the hall from me now, yet even to this day I have difficulty trying to figure her and her bizarre behaviour patterns out.

"Hey! What about my laptop?" cried Hannah in the background.
"Shush, I told you, killer robots destroyed it."

For a start, she rarely delves outdoors. Even when she does, she's usually wearing a hefty black trench coat. I'm pretty sure she's not a fan of The Matrix or is in to Slipknot, so I can only put it down to some skin condition. I don't know, maybe she just doesn't like what the sunlight does to her freckles.

Cassandra: Ahhh, it burrnnns! Motives... decreasing...!

Secondly, she has some strange aversion to sprinklers. If her instant meals ever spontaneously catch fire, as they naturally do in a microwave, she flees the room quicker than you can say 'adolescent hydrophobe with no dress sense'.

She always avoids garlic dishes in the canteen at dinner time, yet never cooks on the stove because she hates fire. Hmm...

And lastly, as if it wasn't already hard enough to put her weird behaviours together, I've noticed she always turns down invitations for a water-balloon fight. I mean, what student in their right mind does that?!

Jamie: Gotcha! (Laughing) Hey Cassandra, do you want to play?

Cassandra: (Muffled) No, I think I'll pass!

Jamie began with the news: "Well, she was rushed into hospital after fainting last night. The doctors said she was hypovolaemic, but-"
"Hypo-whatamataz?"
"It means low blood volume - but they couldn't find any lesions or internal bleeding. Peculiar, huh?" Jamie finished, raising some intriguing issues. "They gave her a transfusion this morning, and suddenly she's all better."

How could she have lost blood if she wasn't bleeding? Maybe it was just that time of the month again, and nobody had thought to mention it.

"And before you make some snide comment, you can't become that hypovolaemic from a period," informed Jamie.

Oh. There goes my theory. Ninth grade biology teaches you diddly-squat.

My procrastination for starting work was perpetuated when we had an early dinner. It was the chef's specialty: hamburgers.

"Y'know, I've been feeling a bit insecure around campus lately. I think somebody might be following me," Hannah said, slightly concerned at the thought of a potential stalker.
"Ooh, so you have a secret admirer then?" chuckled Jamie.
"Use your karate on them if they ambush you," I said, in an attempt to give some helpful advice.
"I don't know karate. I only know tai-chi and qigong. What would that do? Grace someone to death with tranquillity?" retorted Hannah with her valid point. "Neither of them are martial arts."
"Oh, anyone can do karate. Just make it up as you go along," I said confidently, but Hannah was quick to dismiss it with a roll of the eyes.
"Zach does have a point. You could easily pretend to know a martial art in order to deter an assailant," Jamie pronounced, with his initiative prevailing again. "Besides, an attack on a defenceless female in the middle of the night is highly unlikely within campus."
"I could just buy some pepper spray and aim a kick for the family jewels instead," Hannah said, ending the topic of discussion.

Speaking of late night attacks, I was itching at that moment to shed some light on the incident two nights ago to Hannah and Jamie.

"Listen, anyway, I've been meaning to tell you guys something about the other night-"
Jamie interrupted without haste, "About that, I've been in touch with the district council, and they haven't had any sightings of malicious creatures about the campus. No other suspicious behaviours had been reported to the grounds man that night. And unless you have some anonymous male attention, I don't think you should be worrying about Hannah's stalker."
"The bite," I started, until Hannah jumped in to correct me.
"But there was no bite. Your hands were untainted," she said.
"And perhaps it was so painful due to the trauma of the fall," Jamie suggested, but he was totally naive to the actual events of that night.

"You're lucky you weren't actually attacked, Zach. I'd be heartbroken if something happened to you. I wouldn't want anything to change between us," Hannah said, her words rousing me.

That's when it finally dawned on me. I couldn't tell my secret to Hannah! I fancied her badly and valued our friendship, and I didn't want to ruin it all with a beast of a problem. My heart sunk. Another realisation sprang into my mind. I couldn't be with her at all if I was to keep her out of danger. That, and she probably doesn't find dog collars and leashes particularly attractive on her boyfriends. (Well...) Believe me, relationships between people and canines really do not work out.

A dog walks into the room.

Man: (Indifferently) Oh. Hey, Rover...
Rover: Rrrrufff! Rrrufff! (Splutters and clears throat) I mean, good day to you too, Richard. It's a delightful afternoon, isn't it?
Man: (Grunts)
Rover: Oh, why so despondent, ole chap?

Man: (Grumpily) Nothing.
Rover: Come on, old friend, something appears to be bothering you.
Man: Sigh. You're peeing on the toilet seat again.
Rover: Er... (Hesitating) No, don't be silly. That surely could not have been me.
Man: You are! Don't lie to me, pal. Why can't you just put the seat up? I caught you doing it early this morning, but I was too irate to bring it up in bed...
Rover: Er, well... What have you got for luncheon, dear friend?
Man: This relationship is all take take take for you! When are you ever going to give something back?

Man: You wouldn't like it if I made you be an outside dog, would you?
Rover: Not before I leave a steaming log under your duvet first...!
Man: (Scowling) Aye, well - well -
Rover: Well what, tough guy?
Man: Well, you'd better watch out in case I accidentally sneak chocolate in your doggy chow!

Rover: (Gasping in horror) Richard...! TOO far. I am frankly shocked and disappointed.
Man: Humph.
Rover: You might be mad with me, but seriously? Chocolate? You know that would kill me!
Man: Maybe I would want that.
Rover: Oh stop your childishness. You can go roll around in faecal matter for all I care. Actually, that sounds like an attractive idea. I bid you farewell.

Night time sprang quickly upon me, and I was in for a surprise when the sun retreated beyond the horizon. I transformed again! Yet there was no full moon in the clear night sky. The Harvest Moon was in fact yesterday, so what was going on?

I hadn't divulged my hairy little secret with anybody, so I had no choice but to camp outside alone. This was depressing for me. I guess it was almost as depressing as a post-apocalyptic weather report would be.

Martian Anchorman: In other news, homicidal gnomes attack in their droves. First they befriend you, then they decapitate you in your sleep. Government advice is to confiscate all miniature fishing rods on sight. But first, a quick word from our humanoid weatherman.

Weatherman: The outlook for the week is looking bright, with highs of 65 degrees Celsius along the coast, and 71 further south. Expect a drizzle of acid rain - predicted composition being mainly sulphuric acid - and the odd fireball and meteorite. Now, over to Pollination Technician #7 for a briefing on tomorrows weather safety.

Weathergirl: Thank you, Bill. Well, with soaring temperatures and blistering suns, it would be the ideal day for catching a tan. But whoa-ho-ho! Don't forget your lead umbrellas and SPF 150 sun cream, ladies and gents! Safety first.

Weathergirl: The UV index for tomorrow is 19, indicating blistering, mutagenic solar radiation.

Alien Viewer: Hmm. A little below average for the current season.

Weathergirl: For you hay fever sufferers out there, pollen levels are minimal today. However, toxic spores pose a high risk today, hence our general advice to not go outdoors. That's all from me for today.

Anchorman: Thank you. Before we resume our news bulletin, we have some breaking news to announce. I have just been informed that there has been a sudden infestation of gypsies in the local area. With this news, I cannot stress the dangers enough. Direct contact is likely to be fatal. The current advice is to avoid bringing any heather into your homes, and to repent any superstitious qualities for which they may use to poach money from you.

Anchorman: I regret to say that caravan sites have been spotted nearby already...
Alien: (Gasping) A gypsy be at my door!
Gypsy: You have fortune to be told, my son! Come to the door and all shall be revealed... for $15 per reading.

Anchorman: We recommend that if a gypsy persists at your door, beat them away with a big stick.

Gnome: My fishing rod should do the trick.
Alien: Ah, much appreciated, my friend.

Gnome: (Sinister laugh)

I was only outside for twenty minutes when I saw Hannah walking away from the dormitory, presumably going into the campus to sort out her broken laptop. Following behind her was Cassandra, stalking slowly up the path. She was behaving suspiciously odd, creeping along rather surreptitiously. That's when the idea hit me!

I was sat in the lounge with the gang one day, talking away, when I noticed Cassandra's gazing eyes transfixed within the background. Her deathly stare was aimed right at Hannah.

Either my dirty adolescent mind was a bit hyperactive that day, or she must have been checking Hannah out!

There was nothing innocent about her stare at all. Filthy girl!

But that wasn't the last piece of the puzzle. The final piece came when, right in front of my eyes, she transformed into a vampire bat! Finally, it all began to make sense.

"She's... a lesbian vampire!"

Whether or not I got the lesbian part correct, she was definitely after Hannah. Cassandra was Hannah's stalker!

I was about to pursue her, but somebody stopped me in my tracks. My only choice was to remain concealed amongst the bushes to avoid being sent to the Dog Pound.

"Hannah! Hannah!" Jamie hollered into the distance with worrying urgency. It had baffled me as to why he sounded flustered and so desperate to find Hannah. What was the emergency?

Whatever his reason, there was a potential crisis at hand and one of us had to find Hannah before Lezzie McBloodsuck got to her first. The summation of all the clues pointed towards Hannah's life being in danger and I had to prevent it.

"Blood! Blood!"

But by the time Jamie had scarpered, I had lost sight of the winged beast. My only other option was to phone Hannah and warn her, but she was clueless about what was going on and so my idea would be very lame. But it was worth a shot. Besides, it wouldn't end up being as lame as that time Jamie dubbed over an episode of Sim Brother.

Davina: Sim Bruva house, dis iz Davina. Ur live on SimTV, so STFU. Derek, Rita n Carl, teh n00b evictd 2nite iz... Derek!
Derek: WTF?!
Rita: W00t! Pure pwnage!
Derek: Omgz, I cnt believe it!
Vanessa: Derek iz teh suxxor.
Derek: Quiet or b b&, llama! U askin 4 flame wars eh?
Vanessa: 5/\/\311 da ph34r, nub! Imma torch yor a$$!

Derek: R4\/\/rz!

Davina: Derek, u'v bin pwned. GTFO.
Rita: U no match 4 my 1337ness.
Derek: STFU troll.

Derek: Dis iz a mega fail.

Carl: Coinbird just horked his rep. Jajajajaja!

Naomi: Imma well sad Derek woz kicked. I heart him.
Vanessa: O rly?
Naomi: Ya rly! He hakxored thru ma firewall lasnite. Gave me a trojan.
Stacey: Omfg, u nid 2 run a virus scan, bitch.
Naomi: Kthanxbye.

Carl: GG, Rita. U uber roxxorz Derek in da pollz!
Rita: I completely fragged his a$$! He had major ping goin 0n!

Darren: J0, wubu2?
Joel: Nm. J00?
Darren: W8 1 sec, brb.
Joel: Huh?
Darren: ...
Joel: Dnt b a chode, nublar.
Darren: ...
Joel: Rawr?
Darren: Bk. Soz, afk.
Joel: Wb. Wna g0 in teh h0ttu8?

Darren: So... U up 4 cyber?

It was that time of the month again for Cassandra, concerning blood, but it's not quite what you're thinking of (you dirty adolescents!). Cassandra was lacking blood and, being a vampire, needed to find a fresh young neck to pilfer her ambrosia from. Unfortunately she chose to target my best friend. Big mistake when I'm on guard.

A phone call to Hannah was the only option I had remaining.

"Hey Zach!"
"Hannah, I need you to listen to me very carefully! You're in great danger!" I warned her, trying not to sound too out of breath over the phone, from sprinting.
"(Laughs) Zach, if you're trying to freak me out about the stalker-" she began.
"I'm not joking! I spotted a dubious figure following you as you left the dorms. This is serious! You need to reach somewhere safe, preferably crowded with people. If you see anyone suspicious, then look as if you have a black belt in karate," I advised, but I feared I might be too late. Karate wouldn't fend off a supernatural being such as a vampire. "Do you still carry that miniature perfume Jamie got for you last Christmas? Odeur d'Garlic?"
"Maybe, why?"
"Use it as a pepper spray. Trust me, it'll work. Please, stay safe Hannah," I said.

In my current shaggy form, I could only help from a distance, but I remained out of sight to watch upon my girl.

"Dum de dum... Time for a primp."

I hadn't realised how close Cassandra was to achieving her bloody goal, until I saw her sneaking up from the rear. Thankfully, Hannah was stark scared of bats, and upon seeing one...

"(Screaming) BAAAATTS!"

...she would easily run a mile to avoid it. And indeed she did, much to Cassandra's dismay.

When tonight's commotion had subsided, I decided to head back to the dorms. Unfortunately, I couldn't casually roll through the front doors and risk anybody seeing me, so I had to get to my room via the fire escape.

Pretty good idea? Well, it was, until I was confronted by a creaking door and a restless body.

"Come on! It's past midnight! Who's up at this hour?" I muttered, forgetting that I live in a dorm full of nocturnal, insensible students.
"Oi! Hold it! Who are you?" the voice said, with an air of authority. I recognised the voice immediately.

It was Jamie.

"Turn around, or I'll call the police!" he ordered. This would have been the perfect opportunity to reveal my secret to him, but I was too chicken to seize it. "I said turn around now!" I sensed a nervous quiver in his voice.

I panicked, so I ran as fast as my furry legs could take me. This was a close shave, but at least Jamie didn't catch me. Secretly I wanted to be caught, but maybe I wasn't comfortable enough with who I had become to tell him. To be fair, the consequences of this near-miss can't be as bad as that time I tried to change the weather.

#Generic maniacal music#

Zach: And now, to change the sunny skies into torrential rain!

Zach: Mwhahaha! It's working!

Zach: What the-?
Unsavoury Charlatan: Ha ha! Good day, young fellow!
Zach: Where did you-?
Unsavoury Charlatan: (Touching Zach in inappropriate places) Ha ha! What devilish act are you committing on this fine afternoon?
Zach: I'm trying to change the weather - look, who are you?
Unsavoury Charlatan: (Becoming rather too intimate for an acquaintance) I must say, that is a fetching jacket you are sporting there. Ha ha!
Zach: Er-
Unsavoury Charlatan: May I interest you in another distracting compliment whilst I manoeuvre my hand into your jacket pocket?
Zach: What-?
Unsavoury Charlatan: Ha ha!

Zach: (Squirming) Please, leave me alone! Why are you doing this to me?
Unsavoury Charlatan: You will encounter serious misfortune if you play with the weather, child. Ha ha!
Zach: Okay, please. I'll stop! Anything but this...!
Unsavoury Charlatan: It is a pity that youth is wasted on the young, ha ha!
Zach: What have I done to deserve this?

Meanwhile, Cassandra had finally found herself a victim outside the library.

I'd probably better cut if off there, in case it gets a bit saucy...

Despite such an eventful day, nothing had changed for me. I was in exactly the same situation as I was in this morning: confused, angry and isolated about my long-haired secret. When was I ever going to tell anyone about it?