Werewolf Series 1 - Episode 06 - The Claudius Show

"Remind me again: how did we end up here?" I asked, bewildered by the mysterious surroundings.

There Jamie and I were, stood outside the lair of the Callous Warlock Claudius with no knowledge of what was in store for us. Anything malicious could remain behind those doors and we weren't prepared for the surprise: vampire Mormons, ninja squirrels, angry feminist protestors; anything! But we were on a rescue mission to save Hannah, and no wand-yielding, camp warlock could destroy our friendship.

"We've only just arrived! This is the generic Haunted Castle that Claudius gave me directions to, remember?" Jamie answered, but failed to jog my memory.
"Let me just run through what happened in the past hour then," I proposed.

Jamie: Fancy a frolic in the park, ole chap?
Zach: Nay, Sir Jamiford. We have our dame to rescue first!
Jamie: Ah, yes squire. Our damsel in distress is the main priority.
Zach: But where could she be? I daresay she's grasped in the hands of the flounderous C'ock himself: Claudius!
Jamie: Oh Claudius, that scoundrel pauper!
Zach: Indeed.

Jamie: What is the plan, Lord Zachington?
Zach: I say we sleuth this warty villain out and storm his castle!
Jamie: ...and we shall knock on his front door and ask nicely for our dame to be relinquished?
Zach: Nay, sir! We must sneakily take him from behind! He must not know that we are surprising him via his back-passage, if we can find such an entrance to his caste. It will be dirty and devious, but it's the only route we can take as noble men.
Jamie: A great plan! I daresay he might even enjoy the encounter.

Zach: Oh, Sir Jamiford! My spare tyre appears to require a massage.
Jamie: Come, let me give you a non-homoerotic back rub.
Zach: Yes, do be a dear and address it whilst I contemplate this conundrum.

Zach: (Thinking) Now where would a suspiciously camp male take an endearing blonde female to?
Jamie: A Dolche and Gabana sale?
Zach: Quiet whilst you caress my back fat, peasant! Caress harder!
Jamie: I'm fondling, sire! I'm fondling!
Zach: Ah ha! He will be at the abandoned castle! Come, Jamiford, we must depart to the generic hilltop castle that she is being held hostage in!
Jamie: Brilliant idea, sire.

Zach: Yield the reins, Jamiford! Take us to the hideout!
Jamie: But sire, where is the hideout? You just randomly mentioned an "abandoned castle" and expected me to know where it is.
Zach: Act on your instincts, bumpkin!
Jamie: ...What?
Zach: (Sighing) Ask the SatNav for directions.
Jamie: What postcode do I enter?
Zach: You aren't very good at fantasy flashbacks, are you Jamiford?

Zach: I shan't be intimidated by a flamboyant, green shirt-lifter. It is an outrage that anybody would steal Madame Hannabell from us.
Jamie: I say, once we rescue her, will she be offer herself as a reward to us?
Zach: To me, yes. I shall be planting my stem into her fertile grass later tonight, old chum.
Jamie: My, Lord Zachington, this is turning out to be one random expedition.
Zach: I concur, Jamiford. We'll give this C'ock a sound thrashing!

Horse: Ooh arr! Did you get a load of that jibber jabber? I do hope no leather pickles get harmed in the process.
T'other Horse: Oh my God, a talking horse!
Horse: ...Yes, quite.

"That isn't how we got here, Zach," Jamie hollered, snapping me out of my daydream. "Will you please focus on the rescue mission?"

Jamie had soon changed his tune, from terrified chicken liver back to annoying know-it-all. Being an avid scientist, he's scared of anything supernatural and everything that can't be worked out with formulae and numbers. It's no surprise that a witch hunt would creep him out. It was only a few minutes ago that he was whimpering about how soiled his boxers were becoming, yet now he's putting on a remarkably brave face...

"If you can remember correctly, things followed their usual suit: I'd be the one to take control of the situation, whilst you idled about on your handheld console!" Jamie grumbled, giving a kick to my memory.

Jamie: Claudius drew me a map with directions to his hideout, but he hasn't labelled which way is north. I assume I can find my way to the Haunted Castle without his notes. Right, if I recall correctly, we should take a left at the eerie abandoned carnival, right at the spooky graveyard, head two blocks past Elm Street, continue a few miles south of Transylvania to go past Camp Crystal Lake, and end up round the corner from that East-European Hostel that a bunch of American and East Asian travellers vanished from last week. Did you get all of that, Zach?

Jamie: Zach?
Zach: (Aside) Yeah, yeah, haunted castle and whatever.
Jamie: Honestly. You have an attention span shorter than a housewife in a shoe sale!
Zach: (To self) What kind of a name is 'Luvdisc' for a Pokemon? They're really pulling ideas out of their arses now...

"Actually, I've had a change of heart. What if there are vampires or demons behind that door?" Jamie asked, announcing yet another volatile change in his attitude.

Despite having been a werewolf for over a week, I didn't know what to expect from the supernatural world. I didn't know if I could be physically hurt or even killed. Yet I did know that I had an athletic stamina and certain ravenous urges I was holding back on.

"It's not like you to believe in monsters, Jamie," I replied sympathetically, although I wasn't sure why I said that when a monstrous fur-ball was standing right in front of him.
"I'm just worried, that's all," he said.
"Oh, don't be such a pussy! You're being as pathetic as two rich guys fighting in the rain over who has the bigger mansion!"

Young Man: You call this a mansion? Pfft! Even a homeless person wouldn't choose to shelter under your awnings!
Old Guy: Do you think you can match my stately home with your contemporary cesspool, huh? I bet your hovel doesn't have a Facebook fan page that gets over a thousand hits per day!
Young Man: The fact that my estate has its own website that generates thousands of simoleons from Google Ads each day easily wins!
Old Guy: Yeah? Well my stately home has its own billboard down the road, advertising the hourly tours around the mansion!

Tour Guide: This is one of the six lounges in the mansion. As with all other rooms, this one comes with its own built-in weather information utility. You'll always know if it's sunny, raining or snowing, and you'll even get a round estimation of the temperature outside.

Man: What is this contraption?
Tour Guide: A window.
Man: Oooh, I ain't got none of them in me farm shack!

Lady: I say, this is a marvellous advance in technology. It stops wind getting in, but still lets light through. Brilliant!
Tour Guide: Now we have no need for the Microsoft Vista sidebar weather gadget, which tells you what the current climate is.

Young Man: Sheesh, that's nothing. I get more visitors than the Playboy mansion during spring break in America.
Old Guy: My mansion is so famous that SimTV Comedy even paid me thousands to use it as a set location for the Bob and Betty pilot!

Henry: Where on earth is she, Paige? The taxi has been here for ages!
Paige: It arrived thirty seconds ago, Henry. Don't be silly.
Henry: I don't know how long they wait, do I? I've never used one in my life!
Director: Aaand cut!
Henry: Wow, this is a beautiful mansion, isn't it?

Young Man: Pah! You made that last bit up.
Old Guy: I'll bet you ten thousand simoleons that I didn't!
Young Man: You're on! Your garden is puny though. I can ride a yacht in the moat around my estate!
Old Guy: My lake is still big enough to attract the local chavs to come fish in it! Look behind you.

Chav: Well aye! I caught myself a boot for dinner. Eeyaah!

Young Man: I bet your poor excuse for a mansion doesn't have as many bathrooms as my estate. Even my bathrooms have their own en-suites!
Old Guy: Well, each bathroom in my house has its own toilet attendant! You can't beat that, can you?
Young Man: No way! That's absolute tosh.

Attendant: Are you ready yet, sir?
Old Man: Hold on, give me a minute to squeeze the last bit out. And this time, when you're down there, don't miss out the dirty bit on my chode.

Old Guy: (Farts) Urrh!
[Plop]

So Jamie and I proceeded through the doors of the Haunted Castle, unaware of the potential horrors on the other side. Nothing could throw me off this mission, for as long as Hannah was in danger.

"What if I get hurt?" Jamie snivelled. "I could die!"
"You're right. I might be an immortal werewolf, but at the end of the day you're just a pasty, vulnerable, ginger-haired coward. We should be careful!" I advised, sarcastically. "Come on, let's go! There are only knight statues here. How could things possibly get any worse?"

I might have been too quick to dismiss these immobile displays of armour. There was something rather shifty about them, as if they were watching us with their invisible eyes. Nevertheless, I still proceed onwards.

As I headed towards the next door, the statue in white armour suddenly animated itself and held out its arms to stop me in my tracks!

"Back up, butt-sniff!" the white knight bellowed loudly, with its voice reverberating between the stone walls. "You shall not pass!"

The whole room started to rouse itself, as the previously frozen statues sprang to life. This made me feel as though we'd walked straight into a trap. The other five knights in black armour began to form a circle, enclosing Jamie and I, but they moved in a jittery, sluggish way.

"What the-?" I began, before the white knight pushed me back into the encompassing ring of knights.
"You're not getting past without a duel, mortal!" the knight cried.

I spied through its helmet and saw peeling blue flesh hanging off its face. These guys were zombie knights!

"Oh yeah, or else what are you going to do? Eat us?" I taunted foolishly.
"Erm... maybe, yeah," the knight retorted, trying to instil a bit of fear in me. "Although I did eat a Brownie earlier. She was absolutely delicious."
I didn't have any choice but to accept the challenge. "What sort of duel?"

Out of nowhere, the ringleader broke out into a random fit of break dancing, and busted a few moves in front of us. Amongst the jackhammers and the windmills, he executed the spins and swipes like a professional. It was a surprising amount of action from an animated corpse!

"Your turn," the knight said smugly.

"I think I can manage a few of your easy moves," I boasted.
The zombie knight wasn't going to have any of my moves owning his arse on the floor. "Not you, fur-face. The ginger mortal must duel."

Then all of my hopes of ever rescuing Hannah crashed through the floor, with the impact of a skydiving whale whose parachute was sabotaged by an evil geisha. As far as I knew, Jamie had the dance moves of a stiff manikin!

"Me?" Jamie asked, appearing rather puzzled.
"Him?" I said. "You can't force us to duel and ask him to partake! That's just as unfair as that time we encountered that sinister cartoon artist!"

Cartoonist: And now, I encapsulate your personalities in a single drawing! Mwhahaha!

Cartoonist: Accurate, yes?

We didn't have any choice in the matter; Jamie had to accept the challenge to progress further. I could feel a disaster coming on before they'd even started. But to my huge surprise, Jamie busted some rather impressive moves!

I was expecting him to break out into a burst of the "Smustle", but I was astounded when he even got a head-spin into his routine!

"Where did you learn to move like that?" I asked, with no attempt to hide the awe and surprise in my voice.
"What do think we do in chess club for hours each week?" he replied.

He was robot-ing his way to victory!

Well, he was until the white knight started mirroring his pro moves, Sim-stylee.

"You're just copying my moves!" Jamie snapped.
"That will make it impossible for you to win, mortal," the white knight replied arrogantly. "You have to impress me more with an irreproducible talent."

"Yeah? Then copy this!" Jamie yelled, before leaping into a scissor kick.

"Let me see your crusty bones and rotting flesh make these moves!"

"Touche, my worthy adversary," the knight exclaimed. "You may progress further into the castle."

"Hey guys, what about this for some irreproducible dance talent?"

Okay, this expedition was turning out to be insanely random. It was about as random as the huge death count in Sunset Valley resulting from bored and restless Sims. News flash!

Anchorman: Yesterday was a very unfortunate day for many of the town's residents, as the number of deaths from murders and suicides reached double figures last night.

Anchorwoman: Indeed, people are speculating over whether a higher being is to blame for these increasingly creative deaths in Sunset Valley. Many citizens and out-of-town commuters have been seen by neighbours to be acting very strangely, often leading to fatal accidents and malicious attacks on other Sims.

Anchorman: In our first story, pharmacies have noted record sales in sleeping pills and insomnia-related medicine. It is believed that residents are taking said drugs during the day to escape from the reality of boring Sunset Valley life.

Anchorman: We have some exclusive footage of what seems to be an innocent carpool journey on a sunny Monday morning. However, things soon turn sour and culminate in a devastating accident.

Anchorman: Yes, both Sims involved in the accident were indeed asleep.
Anchorwoman: "Sleep-e-Sim" pills were found in the driver's glove box, amongst a leather glove and a old rusty dagger. Psychiatrists suspect that negative moodlets may be to blame for causing the unfortunate tragedy.

Anchorman: Another popular trend, common amongst bored housewives, is the taking of sleeping pills before leisurely swims, as in the case shown here. Luckily, there was an observant bystander at hand... to film the incident with his camera phone. Thanks go to Cycl0n3 Sw0rd for taking the footage of his neighbour drowning.

Anchorwoman: Psychiatrists have noticed an alarming trend amongst the traits of many of yesterday's victims. Most were discovered to have either the "Evil" trait or the "Moron" trait. Existing Sims with these traits are currently being offered free psychiatric treatment from doctors.

Anchorman: In other news, there has been a rise in the number of depressed clowns trying to drown themselves in the valley's waterfall over the past week. This has warranted a permanent "Clown Watch" surveillance team around the area.

Anchorman: I thought clowns traditionally hung themselves. (Laughs)
Anchorwoman:
A depressed clown is no laughing matter, Bill.

Anchorman: Speaking of hangings, there has been a stark rise in the number of decapitated bodies around Sunset Valley this week. Officials are wary that there may be a serial killer storing the heads as trophies, somewhere in the town. If you observe any neighbours acting suspicious with head-shaped swag bags, please contact the authorities at the earliest convenience.

Anchorwoman: Officials from City Hall have acknowledged the recent rise in deaths around Sunset Valley, and have issued a statement, saying, "The Department of Recreation and Culture recognises the current peak in boredom around the city and advises all Sims to refrain from committing murder. Instead, the board suggests that Sims find an alternate method of unleashing murderous instincts."

Anchorman: In compliance with the official statement, the Sunset Valley News team have compiled a few suggestions, sent in by viewers, on how to kill your boredom.

Anchorman: Our most popular submission was continuously playing StarCraft for at least 50 hours straight, with no rest periods or naps.

Anchorman: This may inevitably exhaust your brain and will likely kill you. But on the up-side, it's an activity that everybody can enjoy!

Anchorwoman: Another trendy pastime is challenging an obese friend to eat as many tubs of orange ice-cream as they can.

Anchorwoman: Then you and your sadistic friends can then secretly place bets on how long it takes for your chubby friend to suffer a brain-freeze, or even a mild stroke!

Anchorman: Staying with the food-related activities, you could challenge yourself to eat as many spicy curries as you can in an hour. But be warned for what might follow, ranging from freak skin discolouration...

Anchorman: To a nasty trip to the toilet...

[Farts]

Anchorman: ...to gross deflagration of your lot.

Try and beat that for a random venture!

"Have you been living a closet life as a break dancing legend all this time, Jamie?" I asked.
"Just as much as you've been living a closet life as a werewolf."

I didn't know where we were heading, but we just decided to follow whichever doors and corridors we came across. If I thought that previous encounter was downright weird, then I wasn't going to be prepared for what laid ahead...

"Come out, Claudius, or this big bad wolf will blow your little castle down!"

"What the-?!" I spluttered.
"It seems as though someone has been rather self-indulgent lately," Jamie commented, as his eyes met the disturbing array of Claudius-centred portraits on the wall.
"What is this? The Claudius Show?" I mocked.

Announcer: Filmed in front of a live studio audience - well, actually living-dead - it's now time for a debate with the chat show Queen herself. Please give a round of applause for Claudius the Callous Warlock!

(Applause)
Claudius:
Hey there, everybody! Welcome along to The Claudius Show, where I delve deep into the social lives of troubled couples and close friends, and turf out the miscreants to expose them for who they really are. Dirty, arrogant sleazebags - usually! Anyway, let's meet today's first guest.

Announcer: Hannah comes from Academie Le Tour University and is in her sophomore year of study. She has come on the show today to discuss her on/off relationship with her transient partner, and seeks answers to her recent dating problems.

(Hannah waddles on stage)

Claudius: Greetings Hannah! Take a seat.
Hannah: Uhh uh.

Claudius: So Hannah, tell us why you're here today.
Hannah: Uhhhh uhhh uhhhh...
Claudius: You were stood up on a date with your new boyfriend last night? Yikes, that is harsh! Tell us about how the evening went.
Hannah: Uhhh uhhh uhhh uhhh, uhh uhh! Uhhhhhh...
Claudius: Controversial! And tell me, what love sounds did he make in bed?
Hannah: UHHH! UHHH! UHHH!
Claudius: Oh, that's right. The date didn't get that far. Never mind.

Jamie: Oh my... What has he done to Hannah? She's a... zombie.
Zombie Knight: Shhh! Quiet in the front!

Claudius: Do you know what the problem is, Hannah?
Hannah: Uhh. (Drools)
Claudius: Your boyfriend is a douchebag. Plain and simple. But let's judge the heartbreaking Lothario for ourselves first. Everybody, it's Zachary!

(Crowd boos and somebody throws a dead rat at Zach)

Claudius: This is Zachary Hall, a sophomore werewolf who has a nasty compulsion to walk out of dates with girls - Hannah being his latest victim. So this begs a simple question, Zach: why are you such a sleaze-ball?
Zach: I ain't no sleaze-ball, like. Who do ya fink you are, talkin' to me like that, eh?
Claudius: Do you do this with all your girlfriends?
Zach: I ain't not knowing what you're on about, like. We weren't even goin' out an' that.
Claudius: You weren't dating her, yet you took her out for a romantic meal? That's just messed up, matey. What have you got to say about this, Hannah?
Hannah: Uhhhh uhhhh...

Claudius: It looks like we have a question in the audience. (Points) Yep, you. What have you got to say?
Knight: Yeah, hi. My question goes to the werewolf. Do you have issues with your sexuality that might be getting in the way of your relationships? This chick looks like a real catch, yet you ran out on her?

Claudius: Ooh, good question there. So Zach, he's basically asking if you're a closet 'friend of Dorothy'. Well, are you?
Zach: Shat ap. I ain't saying anythin' or nuffink. That ain't even true. Are you try'na start me like?
Claudius: Indeed, as our surprise guest is about to reveal to Hannah and the audience here how sleazy you really are. Everybody, please welcome Trixie!

Claudius: I can also unveil a saucy video of you with this working girl. Take a look at this.

Zach: Before we start, I wanna know what STIs ya'v got?
Hooker: None.
Zach: Oh.

Zach: Well, I have gonorrhoea, Chlamydia and crabs. Do you mind?

Claudius: We have a bit of a domestic breaking out here! Security!
Hannah: Uhhhh uhhh uhhhhhhh!
Zach: But darling, I'd ain't ever not seen her in ma life. Like, ever.
Hannah: Uhhhhhh!
Zach: Baby, of course you'll always love me!
Hannah: Uhhh uhh uhhhhh!
Zach: What?! It's over between us? But-!

Claudius had gotten exactly what he wanted from today's ordeals, although he had to do it in his characteristically roundabout ways. Through faking some moronic chat show, and pretending that I was a cheating jerk, he probably destroyed any romantic interests between Hannah and I.

"YA-HAHA-HA-HAA!" chortled Claudius. "Time for this fantasy to come to an end!"

He was just toying with us all along.

A green sparkle oozed out of the end of Claudius' wand, as a reversal spell was cast on Hannah to eliminate her zombieness.

Presumably from the exhaustion of transforming between living-dead and just plain old living, Hannah fell to the floor and all memories of the evening were knocked out of her with a thud.

"You'll be seeing me around, Zachary. And my friends," he cryptically announced. "YA-HA-HA-UHH (splutters & coughs) - HA-HA-HAA!"

And his friends? This could only spell more trouble ahead.

Things finally got back to normal and we managed to return to the dorms, carrying an unconscious Hannah between Jamie and myself.

We lifted her into bed, and simply hoped that she would sleep off the living nightmare of the past day.

"Do you think she will remember anything in the morning?" I asked Jamie, worried about my werewolf secret becoming part of her knowledge.
"She hit her head pretty bad. Besides, she has been half-dead for most of the day. Zombies don't really use their brains, so memories aren't expected," Jamie replied.
"Jamie... We can't tell her about my hairy problem," I informed, "because she'll only freak out. She doesn't need to know about it."

But Hannah will have to find out some day. Claudius isn't going to leave me alone any time soon, and his summoned minions will haunt me until I finally conform to his reign. Until then, this was a brave battle to be fought.

Disclaimer: We understand that the sheer randomness of this episode may have offended some readers. If you feel affected by the events on this page, please contact your GP or psychiatrist and ask for your medication dose to be increased. Thank you.