Like Minded - Series 3 - Episode 10 - Cinderella...Sort Of

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the University pantomime, written and performed by students and staff for students and staff; Cinderella!

Jessie: What do you mean she’s not here?
Julie: Like I said, we couldn’t find her anywhere.
Jessie: You couldn’t find her in her room? Or taking a walk somewhere?
Julie: We tried everything! We looked everywhere she might be, even the places she might not! We rang her mobile countless times but she has it switched off...

Jessie: But what am I going to do?! The play starts in 10 minutes!
Darien: Well firstly we need to calm down. Melody might have just gotten nervous and ran off somewhere.
Julie: Darien, that’s a horrible thing to say!
Darien: But it’s true! You know how self conscious she can be; her nerves might have gotten the better of her.

Julie: Well I’m going to get ready; we still have a performance to do.
Jessie: Julie’s right, all these people are counting on us...
Darien: What are we going to do? We can’t find someone else to fit in in 10 minutes!
Jessie: Unless...maybe...

Jessie: Nurmel...
Nurmel: No.
Jessie: Damn! How’d you know?!
Nurmel: I overheard you guys.
Jessie: Nurmel please, you know Melody more than I do and you probably know all her lines, right?

Nurmel: Yeah but I can’t just fill in just like that!
Jessie: Nurmel. I’m asking you this as a friend and as a director. I am begging you to consider.
Nurmel: I’m sorry, Jessie, but my word is final! I am not performing as Cinderella!

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Cinderella who lived as a servant for her evil stepmother and ugly stepsisters.
Nurmel: (under breath) I can’t believe I’m performing as Cinderella.

Narrator: Her ugly stepsisters treated her like a lowly peasant and would force her to do horrible chores.
Bianca: Hey! Wash my dresses Cinderella!
Julie: And while you’re at it, change my bed sheets!
Bianca: And make our breakfast!
Julie: And paint my house!
Narrator: Isn’t that a bit much?
Julie: Course not. The yellow’s starting to fade.

Narrator: Their mother, Cinderella’s evil stepmother, wasn’t any better.
Stepmother: Girls! Girls! Stop complaining about the fading yellow, it makes the house look more antique therefore worth more!
Bianca: But mom, we were gonna get Cinderella to do it.
Stepmother: Oh, well then, get a move on Cinders.
Nurmel: What?!

Jake: By the way, girls, there’s a ball tonight being held by the prince and he wants all the eligible bachelorettes to attend!
Bianca: Holy shizzle! That prince is one fine G!
Julie: God, stop talking gangster, it does my head in.

Bianca: Come on, sister! Let’s go buy new dresses!
Jake: But you bought new dresses yesterday!
Julie: But we need new ones!

Narrator: Cinderella watched the girls enviously, wishing she could buy a new dress and go to the ball and meet the prince.

Nurmel: Hey-
Jake: Hell no are you going.
Nurmel: I was only asking!
Jake: Do you know what you’d do to my reputation?! You missy can stay at home and give my cat a sponge bath.
Nurmel: Oh joy...

Bianca: Come on! Shopping awaits us!
Julie: Ooh goody!
Jake: I want a pink one!

Vera: Jessie, if you don’t mind my asking...who’s going to fill in for Nurmel?
Jessie: Oh bugger, I forgot she was the fairy godmother...
Vera: And she’s on in five!
Jessie: Don’t worry, I have a plan...

Narrator: Cinderella wished she could go to the ball.
Cinderella: I wish I could go to the ball.
Narrator: Yes that’s what I said.

Jessie: Never fear, for I, the Fairy Godmother, is here!

Nurmel: AAH! I mean...FAIRY GODMOTHER! What are you doing here!
Jessie: Fixing a flat tyre.
Nurmel: Oh, really? Need some help?
Jessie: Cinderella, do you understand sarcasm?

Jessie: Anyway, shut up for a sec. You want to go to the ball and get it on with the prince right?
Nurmel: Well I-
Jessie: Sure you do! All the cool kids do. So I’ll just wave my magic wand and work my stuff!
Nurmel: Sounds cool!

Jessie: And while you go get changed here’s a dancer to distract the audience.

Vera: Ta-da! One magic princess coming right up!
Nurmel: This dress is magnificent! Thank you so much fairy godmother! How can I repay you?

Jessie: Quite simple, at midnight your clothes will magically disappear so make sure you’re with the prince in his chambers at that time and then make sure he uses contraception.
Nurmel: Erm...
Jessie: Now go out and get laid!

Narrator: At the party, everyone was already having a good time.
Vera: Yeah! I magically appeared right here!
Bianca: Hooray for unexplained plot devices!
Everyone: YAY!!!

Narrator: However the prince was not very amused.
Darien: Curse all this 5cm- between other people’s hips rule!

Nurmel: Still no answer.
Jessie: Seems like she has done a runner.
Nurmel: But I don’t understand it. I rang her five minutes before getting here and she was really excited about it all!
Jessie: She was obviously pretending just so she wouldn’t worry you. She could’ve been miles away at the time.

Jessie: Come on, you’re on next.
Nurmel: Something just doesn’t add up…

Bianca: (whisper) How much longer are we doing this for?
Vera: Beats me.

Nurmel: Oh my, everyone’s dancing so formally.
Narrator: Cinderella entered and saw the prince, who also saw her. As you do.

Darien: Heeeey, baby. All those saddos over there want to take things easy, but I need someone to get close to…know what I’m saying?
Nurmel: Er…I guess.
Darien: Let’s slow dance it, sweetheart!

Darien: So…are you doing anything tonight?
Nurmel: Erm…no, not really.
Darien: Perfect. Hey look, it’s getting close to midnight. Let’s go schmooze in my private chambers.

Nurmel: I have to go!
Darien: What, why?!
Nurmel: I’m sorry, I’m not ready yet!

Darien: All I wanted was to play Chess with her. (sigh) I’ll never find the perfect board game partner...hey wait? What’s this business card doing on the floor? "Cinderella, servant to evil stepfamily, please help me"?
Julie: Can we stop dancing now…

Narrator: The next day, the ugly stepsisters and stepmother were discussing the ball.
Bianca: Did anyone see that girl in a huge dress come and dance with the prince then run away?
Julie: Yeah I think I saw her.
Bianca: I think she’s a ho.

Darien: Hello there.
Jake: Girls, it’s the prince, look busy!
Bianca: O-M-G!
Darien: I’m doing a routine inspection. You wouldn’t know who Cinderella is or where she lives, would you?

Nurmel: Yeah that would be me.
Bianca: Yikes, it’s that girl from last night!
Julie: Holy- Cinderella, that was you?!
Darien: At last, now I’ve found my perfect Chess partner!

Nurmel: Chess?! You said he’d want to rock the casbah with me!
Jessie: He might have meant it in an innuendo-ish sense. Anyway why are you still wearing that dress?!
Nurmel: Guess your magic sucks.
Jessie: Damn!

Darien: My darling!
Nurmel: Erm, yes.
Darien: Let’s go play Checkers right now!
Nurmel: Sounds good to me!
Narrator: And with that Cinderella and her prince played board games until they were old and arthritis had set in so their fingers wouldn’t work anymore. The end!

Jessie: Team bow everyone!
(applause)
Nurmel: Wow, they actually liked it?....

Doctor: What is your report?
Man: Ma’am. The suspect has been caught. I repeat, thesuspect has been caught.
Doctor: Well done. Arrange for her to be brought over to HQ for testing and examination.
Man: Understood.

Doctor: Finally I might be able to start making progress on this accursed Project Like Minded…